Two Friends Chatting on Facebook w/Jimmy and Zane

Zane
I can only think of one thing worse than that. Bruising your gandreisel gland oppus connection fatty acid molecular compound. That shit sting like a mother!

Jimmy
It's a dangerous world out there. The other day I fell into an open manhole. Now the man's hole I fell into is threatening to sue.

Zane
Fuck this world that's bullshit! If you need a lawyer I know a guy who's brother specializes in open manhole falling incidents. He's good too. He was telling me about this one case where the guy was completely at fault, the manhole had a sign posted and there were cones all around it and the guy (who was high on weed) still fell in. The case went to court and this lawyer ended up getting him a lifetime supply of ice cream sandwiches and $14 worth of coupons! Pretty good deal in my opinion.

Jimmy
Ice cream sandwiches are my favorite kind of sandwiches. I like em with tomato and extra mayo.

Zane
Gross! Ice cream and mayo!? I've never heard of anything that crazy since my aunt Pat said she wanted white roses on her sisters head stone! Am I crazy for thinking we should all pack ten tons of dookie up the nearest dogs asshole? Call me "Mr. Butt Brains" or even "Mr. Brains-a-doodle" if you'd like. But to tell you the true Jimmy, I'm drunk and just typing nonsense.

Zane
Hey, Poop Face. I'm sitting here thinking how silly it would be if twelve tons of shoe strings would have shot out of your neighbors vagina and fucked up yesterdays news broadcast.

Jimmy
That happens more often than people realize. It's a scary world we live in

Zane
I think its smart the way you let everyone know exactly where you are through facebook. If someone wanted to kill you or rob your home you'd really save them a lot of time.

Jimmy
I spend so much time stalking others, I thought it was only fair to give them the chance to stalk me

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Two Friends Conversing w/Jimmy and Zane

Zane
That is harsh but I understand. You always were the only one who would tell it to me straight. You and one other person that is. Mr. Franky Whistlemyerstain. He was the assistant coach of my youth t-ball team. I remember I struck out once and started crying and he came right up to me and put his hands on my shoulders and just shook me Really hard. Probably too hard. My neck broke and three of my ribs shattered. I'll never forget that guy.

Jimmy
He broke your neck? That's a real douche move. Did you live?


Zane
Barely. They had to rush me into emergency surgery and they ended up putting about a hundred screws, a couple of bolts, three titanium rods, and a full truck load of concrete into me. Luckily they put all that shit into my asshole and not my neck or I would have died.


Jimmy
Well I'm glad to hear you survived. I was afraid that you died and that the Bill Cosby movie Ghost Dad was loosely based on your life.


Zane
Thanks for the well-wishes. You just don't hear enough well-wishes now-a-days do you? In my professional opinion everyone should wish everyone else well or at the very least not go out of their way to kill them. Maybe that's just the crazy hippie in me coming out but that's how I feel.


Jimmy
That does sound a little hippy-dippy. Although to be honest I don't really know what the fuck hippy dippy means. But I heard a guy say it one time.


Zane
Hippy dippy is what you call something that's far out or totally in the spirit of loving Mother Earth. For instance, if you were to crash a motor bike into a tree and then french kiss that tree, that would be hippie dippy.


Jimmy
Got it, hippy dippy means tree fucking. If that's the case, I guess you could say my uncle Earl is "hippy dippy". Except instead of trees it was me.


Zane
That's gross but I suppose you're right.
Too bad we couldn't have captured the type of magic we create here in these messages on our podcast. I think I'm funnier when I communicate in complete sentences and give myself a couple of seconds to actually come up with a thought before I speak.


Jimmy
Well we could type out our podcasts. Although anyone who's interested in our podcasts probably aren't big readers.


Zane
A typed podcast you say...that might just be crazy enough to work. We could be pioneers of the typed podcast sensation that surely coming. There'll be website upon website filled with nothing but people rabble about anything and everything. I don't think we should call it a "typed podcast" though. We need something simpler. Shorter. How about we call it a "Flog".


Jimmy
Flog eh? Reminds me of something I once heard of called a blog. But I think that has something to do with sticking a log up your butt.

Zane
Blogs are for pussies is what my great-great-grandpa used to say. Flogs are for real men with strong arms and squared jaws and My Little Pony tattoos on their rear ends.


Jimmy
Well if having my little pony tattooed on your ass makes you manly, then consider me Burt Reynolds.

Zane
Alright then Burt. How's about you and me (Shirley Temple) get started on Flogging!

Jimmy
As they used to say in the old country, flog me up you bastard!
August 5

Zane
We need to make sure we stretch out really well before we start this flogging. Heavens knows the last thing we need is a pulled bithoyiod mastonomous tissue muscle tendon.
August 5

Jimmy
True. There's nothing worse than a.....one of those.

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Two Friends Talking w/Jimmy and Zane

Zane
Well, I made it back to that one place one the other side of the world. This place is just as sucky as ever. Maybe even a little suckier. I just found out that my new neighbors are a couple of goddamn bleeding heart democrats. Man-O-man, what's a man to do?
So, what's your favorite beverage to have with breakfast?

Jimmy
Pancake batter is my fav breakfast beverage. It combines food and liquid in one convenient form.

Zane
Never tried it. I'll have to order that the next time I'm at the Breakfast Shack. That's this quaint little breakfast hole over hear in Korea. They'll serve you anything you want. Once I accidentally said I wanted some "shit" on my salad and wouldn't you know what they put on there? You guessed it, pee.

Jimmy
That's a language barrier problem. I went to France for lunch today and ordered some French toast. The waiter misunderstood me and nailed my wife. Then he untied my shoe.

Zane
That sucks. Thanks for the invite by the way (sarcasm). I would have hated going to France with you for breakfast (more sarcasm). As a matter of fact, France can I aren't even talking anymore (truth. I overheard France say that I was "full of it" one time and I've never forgiven France.)

Jimmy
France needs to understand that words can hurt. Ripping out a handful of pubic hair hurts too.

Zane
That sure does and I probably know better than most. They used to call me Mr. Pubies down at the local skinny dipping pond. Yep, that is until this handsie old gal named Sally "Iron Grip" McKinny got a hold of my bush. For some reason or another she just went to town with the pulling and the ripping and the terrible pain to my pelvic region.
It'll be a long time before someone mentions pulling out a handful of pubic hair to me and that story doesn't come to mind.

Jimmy
I've thought long and hard about how to respond to that, and the only thing I can come up with is: octopus scrotum. I'm sorry if that seems harsh, but it's just how I feel.



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Two Friends Chatting w/Jimmy and Zane

Zane
Hey Crazy Face! I have some ideas for cartoons that I think will be funny that I want to run by you. All the ideas are pure gold. The only thing is that all the humor comes from very low brow jokes. I'm talking extremely juveline shit. Dick jokes, fart joke, shit jokes, dicks farting on shit jokes, you name it. If any of this offends you then let me know right now and i wont waste your time.
January 20, 2012

8:02am
James Cole
As long as it's funny, it doesn't matter if it's low brow or high brow or whatever level the brow is at.
February 28

Zane
what's going down in Atl? I hope you're not joining one of those rap groups.

11:12am
James Cole
I just like the mix of hillbillies and black people down here

Zane
that wouldn't be a bad rapping group. "The Blacks & Billy's" or the "Black'a'billies" I'd dance to that music.

11:18am
James Cole
I would too. Though I'm white and would just make a spectacle of myself by dancing, according to black comedians

Zane
i've seen a lot of white people dancing and it's not that bad. I even saw this white guy do a dippity dip dipper one time. He then went right into a twist and shout. Take that black comedians

11:26am
James Cole
Those colored folk think they're somethin' else, with their vertical leaps and long wieners

Zane
That don't come natural either. When a black dude hit's puberty the jump/dong fairy comes to visit and bestows these wonderful gifts upon them. Unlike us white fella's who just get some fucking fairy that wants to steal our god damn teeth for some sick sexual fetish.

11:34am
James Cole
That's affirmative action for ya

Zane
so what's up hotlanta for reals? are you dating a Hawks cheerleader?

11:39am
James Cole
Visiting relatives. They're not cheerleaders but I am dating them

Zane
well sounds like you'll fit in down there. Im visiting my folks up in Peru this July. we'll have to hang out. i have an eight yr old son. we could pick on him and make him cry. it's sooo much fun.

11:48am
James Cole
Awesome!

Zane
yeah, it's been three years since i stepped foot on american soil. i better come back or they'll make me korean for good. fuck that! i ain't no kung-fu master!

11:52am
James Cole
Have u ever heard of beer? We should consume some when u get here

Zane
i think i've heard people mention it. is that the stuff thats made from barley and hops? i like me some barley. we will definately drink a beer or two. we should record or make something too. have you listened to zanezane?

11:56am
James Cole
I heard the first one, need to catch up on the rest

Zane
it's still a work in progress. we have an actually website now www.zanezane.libsyn.com i'm working on the one of them now. it'll be a different format. instead of just hitting record and putting everything in, i've edited everthing into small segments and i'm using a bunch of sound fx and shit. i'm probably going overboard with all the sound distortion but i think its kind of funny

Zane
what are you doing now? waiting for baggage?

12:07pm
James Cole
I'm on a shuttle

Zane
to the moon? sweet! if you stop at that russian space station get me a bottle of russian volka. i hear its duty free

12:14pm
James Cole
I think the guy driving is too fat for us to get very far off the ground
March 2

Zane
What this horse shit about you sending messages from Lithonia, GA? You said Atlanta. If you're just going to fucking lie then you can just go to hell!!
Anyhoo, what'd you think about taking a trip up to Cleveland with me and my son when I come up in July? I was thinking of meeting up with David and going to a ballgame or a whore house or something.

9:31pm
James Cole
Yeah I could probably do that. Just depends if I can get off work, but it shouldn't be a problem

Zane
i was thinking of heading up there for a couple days. maybe going to the zoo with all the kids one day and going to a ballgame and some other shit the other day. i think it'd be fun if we all got a chance to hang out

10:00pm
James Cole
Sounds good
March 16

Zane
Dear Jimmy,
I have an idea for a animation short. Let me know what you think....
SETTING: Coffee Shop-Day
You see a bunch of people in a coffee shop but don't see their face. Only from the shoulders down like in the old Tom & Jerry cartoons. There only audio is "Blah, blah, blah". Just gibberish because what the people are saying is unimportant. Two people sit at a table with their coffee and we close in on the coffee cups. The cups have mouths and they start talking to each other.
COFFEE 1: Hey buddy
COFFEE 2: Hey, what's new?
COFFEE 1: Eh, same old shit. This mother fucker right here is a real winner. Did you know that his car is in the shop? (annoyingly)WHO CARES!
COFFEE 2: Oh boy. I have no idea what this ding dong is doing except SQUEEZING THE FUCK OUT OF ME! (talking to the guy) Take it easy pal, I'm not going anywhere.
COFFEE 1: At least were not still on the beat. Those were some crazy times.
(scene cut to inside of police car. the two coffee cups are police officers. the one in the passenger seat is talking into the camera like he's on the show COPS)
COFFEE COP 1: We're responding to a 768. Could be dangerous. I'm going to go ahead and blow my partner.
(you see the coffee cop lean down towards the driver like he's going to blow him)
(scene cut back to coffee shop)
COFFEE 2: How about the war?
(scene cut to a WWI battle field. both coffee cups are in a fox hole. bomb are exploding everywhere.)
COFFEE ARMY GUY 1: This might be it! I'm going to go ahead and blow you!
(coffee army guy goes in for the blow)
(scene cut back to coffee shop)
COFFEE 1: Remember when we were kindergarten teachers?
(scene cut to kindergarten classroom)
COFFEE 1: Settle down kids. Today we have a special guest. This is Special Agent Washington and he'd like to talk to you about fire safety.
AGENT WASHINGTON: Hello class. Would anyone like to tell me what they should do if I set them on fire? Anyone?
LITTLE KID: My dad said that if anyone set's me on fire I should call the police.
LITTLE KID 2: I don't have a dad. Mommy said he ran away with a biker gang.
LITTLE KID 3: My biker gang is full of crazy folk!
AGENT WASHINGTON: That's great! You all win a prize. (hands the little kids some guns and grenades)
CONT'D: Those are real grenades now so don't go blowing your fucking hands off.
(back to coffee house. the coffee cups are being thrown away. they're in the trash now.)
COFFEE 1: Suppose we could make out a bit.
COFFEE 2: Yep.
END

4:54pm
James Cole
I like it. I think u should work in a third blowjob. Comedy rule of threes

Zane
yeah, that's why i changed it. when the scene changes to the kindergarten you're expecting a blowjob but something else totally random happens. i do not like the ending. i just threw that in there bc i had nothing
why aren't you at some bar drinking shitty green beer?

6:55pm
James Cole
Cause my friends are old and married and have to look after their damn families. Losers. Why can't they just be singles and live alone like me?

Zane
if you killed their families then they would be. I'm not saying do that, but....

7:03pm
James Cole
I tried that years ago. They just remarried and had more kids. It's too exhausting to kill all over again. I don't know how serial killers do it, but I admire them.

Zane
I know what you mean. I'd love to just sit down with a serial killer and pick his brain

7:08pm
James Cole
Do you know what dates you'll be here in June? I wanna try to get some of those days off

Zane
not june. july
i'm coming on the 8th and will be there the entire month

7:16pm
James Cole
Oh july, ok. Well I can't get the whole month but maybe I can get a few days, didn't know if you were gonna be here a weekend or a week or what. That's cool that you'll be here that long

Zane
yeah, i haven't been back to the good ol US of A in over 3 yrs so they decided to give me 30 days
we'll have to get together and drink beer and write stuff. my son will be with me but it'll be cool because he doesn't drink that much

7:19pm
James Cole
Good, he can be our designated driver. I assume he has a drivers license, foreign kids are usually a lot smarter than American kids.

Zane
yep, he's 8 and is certified to drive all major forms of transportation except bulldozer

7:22pm
James Cole
Well if we need something bulldozed we can just google it.

Zane
he could bulldoze it but we'd just have to make sure the fuzz didn't show up.

7:27pm
James Cole
And if they do..........we'll bulldoze the pants right off em!

Zane
it's been so long since I've been to the mother land. do the cops still wear pants?

7:33pm
James Cole
cut off jean shorts. but only in the summer.

Zane
so their jean shorts that are cut off? what's left? the waist band?

7:37pm
James Cole
a waistband and a big ol danglin' wiener. or "nightstick" as they call it

Zane
that's quite a bit different then from korean cops. their "nightstick" isn't big at all

7:42pm
James Cole
Hmmmm...I wonder if maybe i'm Korean then.
March 17

Zane
Are you also a horrible driver, eat strange looking food, and spit when you talk? Then you might be a Korean man.
If I sent you an audio file of something would you want to animate it?
How about the coffee guy thing? Any ideas?

3:31pm
James Cole
Yeah send it to me, I'll give it the ol' ear job. (that means I'll listen to it)
I think the coffee skit would be easy enough to animate. It's short...which is good.
June 13

Zane
Hey there Jimmy Jim Jimster! I'm flying in on the 7th of July and gone on the 25th. Hopefully you'll have at least one day that you can hang out. Maybe we could go to a movie together. Like a real date! No hand holding because my son will be with me and I don't want him to see me being all gay and shit.

7:27pm
James Cole
Awesome! I'm sure I can spare a day...maybe even two! I make no promises about concealing my queerness however.

Zane
Two days!? Well slap me silly and call me a dirty butthole! That sounds swell. I really looking forward to eating a bunch of fast food and going to an American movie theater. I haven't been back in the good'ol US of A in almost 4 years! Do they still sell hamburgers? I hope so.

7:34pm
James Cole
They do still sell hamburgers, but there's very little actual meat in them. But fuck my ass if they ain't tasty!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Zane
But fuck your ass? Man, you really are full of the queerness. It doesn't bother me. My neighbors cousin likes dudes and me and him go out and play pool every Weds. He sure can stroke a stick. I watched him stroke one so good that two balls went right into the hole. Can you believe that?

7:40pm
James Cole
I can believe it. Gay dudes are skilled at anything that involves sticks and balls.

Zane
Pacific Rim is coming out while I'm there. Unless someone has already asked you, which is cool if they have, will you go to see Pacific Rim with me? I heard it's about giant robot that fight monsters or aliens or an earthquake or something.

7:43pm
James Cole
I'd be delighted to see it with you. I'm seeing superman tomorrow. I hope it doesn't suck, but I'm afraid it will.

Zane
I think that movie looks good. All I read is people talking shit about it though. It playing here too. I think I might go see it too. I'm not a huge fan of going to the Korean movie theaters though. Did you know that they assign your seat? Like we were at a ballgame or some shit. I'm not used to that which means I don't like it.

7:47pm
James Cole
Are movies expensive there? It's ten damn dollars here!

Zane
Yeah, tickets to a 3D movie are about $15. The theaters are nice though. Always super crowed which I hate. The older I get the more and more I dislike being around people.

7:52pm
James Cole
I hear that. I don't go to the movies much. It wouldn't be so bad if there werent' people.

Zane
Do you play video games at all? I bought my son an XBox (I said it for him) and I've been playing the dog shit out of it. I fucking play that mother fucker all the fucking time.

7:55pm
James Cole
I have an xbox 360 but I rarely play it. I mostly bought it for the batman arkham games and that ghostbusters game that came out a few years ago. I also have a Wii but I mostly just download old school NES games onto it.

Zane
I've been playing the hell out of Arkham City. Great game. If you have a Live account, look me up. My username is Steen Kingfart. We can be XBox Live friends!

10:15pm
James Cole
Theres a new arkham game coming out in October. Not sure if it'll come out the same time in your neck of the woods.

Zane
yeah, arkham origins. the map on that game is suppose to be twice the size of arkham city which it fucking crazy. I'll definately be getting that one

10:27pm
James Cole
U ever gonna move back to the U.S. permanently?

Zane
I'm due to leave here in Feb 2014. I don't know where I'm going yet. I'd like to go to the UK for a couple of years before heading back to the states. I've been in the goddamn military for 14 years now. I'm already starting to think about what I'm going to do when I retire which makes me feel old as fuck.

10:48pm
James Cole
It's good to get out there and see the world. I went to Logansport once. Traveling is fun.

Zane
Did you remember your passport? I hear the port authorities there in Logansport can be real assholes. Do you speak the language? I don't speak much Korean which makes traveling around here a bit of a pain in the arse. On the plus side, I can cuss them out and they don't even realize it.

11:04pm
James Cole
I'm sure learning Korean isn't easy. And if you move to England you'll have to learn whatever language it is they speak there.

Zane
I haven't tried very hard to learn Korean. Who the fuck speaks Korean outside of Korean? It's not one of those languages you can impress someone with. "Oh, by the way, I speak fluent Korean". "Wow! can you come with me to the nail salon and tell me what the girls are saying?" (Seinfeld 1994)

11:15pm
James Cole
I like the one where the gang makes a bet on who can go the longest without whacking off.

Zane
I'm still in a bet with some weird-o's to see who can go the longest without cramming a watermelon up their nose. It's been 26 yrs 9 months 18 days and counting. Whoever cracks first has to pay everyone $3.

11:28pm
James Cole
Well hang in there. I know how tempting it can be to stick a watermelon up your nose. I've been banned from many Krogers for giving in to that temptation.

Zane
Thanks man. It's been hard but I really need that $3. When I win I'm going to get one of those tree shaped air fresheners that everyones been talking about. Notice I said "when i win", that's how confident I am.
FUCK!! Bet's off! All this talk about watermelons going up my nose got me going and then the fucking watermelon truck drives by playing that song and one thing leads to another and wouldn't you know it! Here i am with 5lbs of watermelon mashed next to my brain!
July 1

Less than a week till I'm home. You can go ahead and start shitting your pants now.

7:13pm
James Cole
Consider my pants shit.
July 6

Zane
Less than 48 hrs to go! What do you have planned for the next couple of weeks? I need details. I'm going to need to know where exactly you'll be, when you'll be there, and for how long. I was thinking we could record some shit and throw it on the old internet. I've been tooling around with a bit about two guys talking about a horse the jumps around a lot. "He's one of them jumpin' horses ain't he". I also thought we could do a one-off podcast called "Two Friends Catching Up". It's a snappy name for sure. Just let me know what the fuck it is you'll be doing for fucks sake. My dad's number is 472-4996. You can call or you could give me your goddamn number.
July 6

10:08am
James Cole
You can usually find me in my Y2K bunker. I'll send you the coordinates via carrier pigeon. I'll be coded, so you'll need an indian code breaker. I'll start researching jumping horses, I don't wanna sound like an un educated dipshit on the internet!!!!!!!!! My digits are 480-8431
July 6

Zane
I'll be on the look out for your carrier pigeon. Remind me what a carrier pigeon is? Is that the one with inside-out anus? I hope not. Those freak me out.
Well, we're leaving in about 12 hrs and I flip on the news to find out a plane went down. I'm taking this as a good sign. Whens the last time 2 planes went down within 48 hrs of each other? Probably never. Maybe that means that that's due to happen. Maybe your carrier pigeon will become president of my kitchen and veto pot roast Thursdays. Who knows?

5:14pm
James Cole
I saw that on the news I'd say your odds are pretty good.
July 8

Zane
We made it alive. It was a close on though. There were these goddamn snakes on the motherfucking airplane that were fucking shit up. Luckily I know how to deal with that sort of shit. When do want to get together and create some comedic gold?
July 10

3:54pm
James Cole
I just now noticed you sent me a message. Fucking facebook. I can get together whenever.
I have class tomorrow afternoon but im free after that. Or I'm off Saturday if you're still wanting to see pacific rim. I think that opens this weekend.
July 11

Zane
I just figured you were being an asshole. Fucking facebook indeed.
Pacific Rim this weekend fo sho. I also want to record some stuff. I'll have all next week to do that whenever you have time. We'll hammer out all the finer details while we're watching Pacific Rim. I truly believe there's no better time to discuss crap like that then during a summer blockbuster. Hopefully they'll be people surrounding us being annoyed by all our blabber.
July 11

9:21am
James Cole
I'll bring my camcorder so we can record parts of the movie we may miss while we're talking. And here is the rest of it. Read more!