Dirty Underwear

INT. LAUNDRY MAT - DAY

It's a slow day at the Wash'N Pay. FAN FACE is mopping the floor while TRACY is finishing her laundry. The two have never met before.

Fan Face starts mopping down Tracy's isle when he notices something special about Tracy.

FAN FACE
I couldn't help but notice how dirty your underwear are.

TRACY
I know. I've been shitting my pants a lot lately.


FAN FACE
Could I make a suggestion?

TRACY
Please do.

FAN FACE
Don't bring those shitting things in here ever again. You're stinking up the joint.

TRACY
I guess I could have hosed them down or something.

FAN FACE
No kidding. I mean, there's still clumps in the back end of those things.

TRACY
The fronts no picnic either.

FAN FACE
Let me show you something.

He starts riding his mop around like it was motorcycle.

FAN FACE (CONT)
VROOOOM! VROOOOOOM!

Tracy is starting to panic because he's not wearing a helmet. She picks up a washing machine and throws it at his ass. It's a direct hit.

TRACY
I know how to skateboard.

She puts a can of soda on the floor and tries to do a kick flip 360 over it. She can't land the trick and has to call the hospital. NURSE EMPTY GLASS answers the phone.

INT. HOSPITAL - DAY

NURSE EMPTY GLASS
Emergency room. How can I help you? Press two if you've just wiped out on an imaginary skateboard.

Tracy presses two.

NURSE EMPTY GLASS (CONT)
Dear God!

All the alarms go off in the building. Nurse Empty Glass gets on the loud speaker.

NURSE EMPTY GLASS (CONT)
I need a God Damn Doctor! People are dying!

A young med student named COMPUTER SPEAKER just happens to be walking by.

COMPUTER SPEAKER
If it's a number two then you can just go fuck yourself. I'm not ready for that kind of shit!

NURSE EMPTY GLASS
You're all we have!

She slaps the shit out of his face.

NURSE EMPTY GLASS (CONT)
You have to do it!

She stabs him in the stomache.

NURSE EMPTY GLASS (CONT)
I can't live like this!

She fills out some early retirement paperwork.

INT. LAUNDRY MAT - DAY

Fan Face just pulled off a really long wheelie and Tracy has been dead for hours. Fan Face notices that she's still holding her cell phone. Someone is talking on the other end. He picks up the phone.

FAN FACE
Mom?

It's his mom.

FAN FACE'S MOM
Don't you even think about wearing that pour girls underwear on you head.

FAN FACE
But mom! I need a helmet!

Some gangsters bust in the joint and shoot the place up. Fan Face is killed instantly.

Or is he...?