In My Opinion

In my opinion guys shouldn't slam their dicks in the door. It not good for the donger or the door. Door hinges are specifically designed to swing freely and if there is a hunk of wiener in the way when it's trying to close, unnecessay force is applied that could damage or ruin the door's natural open/close operation. If it's one of those really heavy wooden doors then it may just slam shut and take that wang-wang clean off. I would never do it.

I also think people need to pay more attention while driving in parking lots. I was forced to call an old lady a "stupid bitch who's driving around with her nasty wrinkled head up her nasty wrinkled ass." That was someone's grandma and I bet she was really nice. She more than likely gives her grandchildren hard candy when they visit. She probably even has an old milk crate filled with ancient wooden toys from the 30's for the kids to play with. When her six year old great-grandson visits she get's all excited, "Oh my, I have just the think for you little man!" Then she drags this box of shit out from the back porch and completely misreads the poor kids face as being excited. "Look how happy his is!" He's pissing on your stupid toys you dumb cunt. He hates them and he hates you because you're old as fuck and you can't fucking find a parking space without endangering the lives of everyone in the parking lot. Someone needs to put you in a home.

Bats shouldn't swoop down and get tangled in womens hair. What a dick move this is.

Dog's shouldn't be allowed look humans in the eye. This is a sign that they think they're better than you. There's enough folk out there with self esteem issues. We don't need anyone else going off the deep end simply because Fido thinks he's Mr. Big Shot. And here is the rest of it. Read more!

How to Wipe Your Butt

Here is the beginning of my post. An

d here is the rest of it. Read more!

Didn't Even Get a Hand-Job Offer

I had just finished stuffing my fucking face with an exorbitant amount of Korea's finest fried chicken when my son decided he wanted to try his luck at the "over and up poke'em game" across the way. These piece of shit money traps are on every street corner and outside of every convenient store in this tiny country. They're better than those claw grabbing horse shits where you couldn't pick up a feather wrapped in double sided tape with magnets all over the fucker even if it was tied to the end of the claw. Some little prick would pop his head around the corner and shake the machine and the feather would drop like a heavy handed bowler scooping up mash potatoes at an all-you-can-eat dick sucking party.

Ahem.

So my son's playing this game at a dollar a play. It's going to cost him about five bucks to make the ding-dong light-up flower he's aiming for fall and I don't give a shit. He'll owe me the money and pay up by the end of the week. If not I throw his favorite toys out the window. So, I just keep shoveling dollars at the little bastard while I try and finish a cigarette. After about the third dollar I notice this fat dirty looking Korean guy sitting on a bench behind us. Nothing out of the ordinary. He didn't seem like the normal rabble that hung around though. He seemed a little less dirty and not quite old enough to be at that rock-bottom beg-for-your-beer stage in life but what the fuck do I know. I barely looked at the guy. Until he stands up and gets right behind my son. So I give the guy a look. Just a quick "let's make sure you're not a dangerous dirt-bag" look. The guy gives me the quick head-nod as if he was passing me some secret fucking code that only him and I would understand. Unfortunately I didn't and looked away real fast. I realized that he might have just passed me the "I'm homeless and will jack you off for a couple of bucks" nod. Man-o-man, I sure can pick'em. The one homeless guy that wants to jack me off and he's fat.

Well, I didn't really want to be jacked off anyway, I had jacked off earlier in the day. I watch my son lose another one of my dollars, hand him another, and just to be sure I glace over my shoulder again. Big fat smelly dirty rotten tooth guy is still there and he gives me the same quick head-nod signal! I'm thinking, how do I say in Korean "sorry, but you can't twist my crank shaft because I have a stomach full of fried chicken. And another thing, my son's playing this game." I just about gave him the universal sign for "no playing with my dick-O" when he started speaking some piss poor broken English. I get the gist of it though. He just wants money. I give the guy five bucks, didn't get jacked-off, didn't even get offered to get jacked-off.

Would it hurt these begging bastards to at least offer to put their hands on the private parts of the beggees? What's the world coming to? I think they should show those starving children in Africa making the universal "I'll jack you off for food" sign into the camera. I bet they get more donations. I'd donate more just because I'd love seeing the commercial. A bunch of blister bellied orphans with flies walking right across their fucking eyeballs pointing into the camera, then pointing to themselves, then making the "jack-off" hand signal. I'm not saying it's funny that they're hungry. Fuck that shit. Hungry isn't funny. Before I crammed six days worth of fried chicken meat in my mouth I was a grumpy shit bag. Now I'm doing okay.

Read more!

Smelling the Flowers

When trying to decide between two evils I think it's best to just flip a coin. As a matter of fact, I think the coin flip is probably the best way of going about making any decision. Should I shower today? Coin says no. What about brushing my teeth? Nope. How about wiping my butt? Yes.

Of course you just can't walk around flipping a goddamn coin every time you need to make a decision like you're a fucking Batman villain. You'll look like a jackass and people will stop taking you serious. Being taken serious by everyone is very important. I know because the coin told me so. That's not entirely true. You only need to be taken serous by people you want to be like or are scared of. This could be any number of people depending where you're located on the social ladder, but generally this would be your boss, teachers, lawyers, members of the opposite sex, dogs, lions, and all large meat eating semi-aquatic mammals.

Instead of flipping a stupid mother fucking coin, try picking a color. For instance, you are standing in line at Starbucks and you're trying to decide whether to fart or continue to hold it in. You look over your shoulder and see there's this smoking hot Russian ballerina doing the splits behind you and behind her is the West Virginia State Cheer Leading Squad and they're all bragging about how well their noses work. Seems like the fart or no fart question is pretty obvious doesn't it? Well, not so fucking fast. If you continue to hold in your fart it's liable to work it's way up into your throat creating a dreaded fart burp. Blowing a fart burp into a Starbucks employees face is like begging the Pope to let you finger bang his butt-hole--not recommended. So you decide that if the next thing you pull out of your pocket is red, blue, green, or purple you will fart, if it's black, tan, brown, or light brown you'll fart burp. It's so fucking easy to do.

Get with the program. This isn't rocket science we're talking about here. I don't even know how many times I get asked shit like "What if my dad says, no?" or "Should I go dancing?" These things DO NOT matter. The only decisions that truly matter are the ones that get you money or sex or compliments. Compliments are so fucking important that it doesn't make sense. And for fucking sake, get your compliments in front of other people! If some low-life tells you that you look cool when you walk and no ones around to hear it, it didn't happen. Think of it like this, would you believe that someone walked up to another person and said "Hey pal, you walk cool." Of course you wouldn't. No one talks like that.

Lastly, take the time to smell some flowers. It's not an accident that they smell nice. If they wanted you to go around sniffing sewage recycling plants then guess what? They'd smell nice, but they don't.

Love,

Zane

And here is the rest of it. Read more!