What's in a name?

A list of the most popular baby names of the last century is finally out. Underneath the title of the list is says 'discover which American names have become more or less common'. Of course I read the entire list like I'm going to be surprised. Do you know who would be surprised by a list like this? Someone who died in 1920 and magically appears in 2008. "What do you mean Mildred is a funny name? I'm from 1920. Just wait till President Harding hears about this!" (he knew the president).



I bet girls named Mildred had this mean little ditty sang to them a lot on the playground

Mildred, Mildred
you're so stupid

Mildred, Mildred
she eats her boogers

Mildred, Mildred
her vagina was installed backwards

Just thinking about that makes me cry.

Of course Zane was nowhere to be found on the list. They never have Zane pencils or small license plates at the store. This has never bothered me though. I like my name. My name could have been Dr. Fart Sniffer. If someone ever came up with a least popular baby name list I bet Dr. Fart Sniffer would be near the top. I think if your parents name you Doctor then you should be able to practice medicine.



Forgetting someones name is a real bitch. When I have to ask someone for their name again I always tell them that I'm a face person. "I never forget a face, but names just don't stick with me for some reason." That's what I always say but it's complete bullshit. I'm too self absorbed to look someone in the face long enough to remember it. Why take up valuable brain space remembering someones ugly puss? Most people are really ugly. Read more!

Top 5 Zane Quotes of the Morning

Here's the top 5 things my three years old has said to me just this morning.
It's only been 30 minutes.




#5 Good morning dad. Let's play Jedi's! I'm General Grievous!

This was seconds one through five of my morning. There's nothing like waking up and immediately being challenged to a light saber battle. Now I know what kept Yoda going for 900 years.

#4 I'm turning into cereal.

This one's a bit abstract. I'm pouring myself a bowl of cereal and Zane asks what I'm doing. I tell him I'm pouring a bowl of cereal and that's when he says "I'm turning into cereal." I asked what the hell that means and he just stood there. Apparently transforming yourself into cereal doesn't require much motion.

#3 I have to pee

Not that surprising by itself but this is what he tells me right after asking me to put him into his Darth Vader outfit (Jedi clothes). It takes nearly 10 minutes just to wrestle the little fucker into to the clothes and nearly as long to get him out so before they go on I need to make sure they're staying on. So I ask, "Do you have to pee?" Of course he says no. Ten minutes later, he's Darth Vader and he has to pee.



#2 Your hair is messy, so you don't need a hat

His logic seems a little skewed on this on.

#1 It's a real train, like Darth Vader.

This gem was just laid on me 2 seconds ago. He comes into the room playing with his wooden train and I ask if that was a passenger train and if there were any whores on board. No, it's a real train, like Darth Vader. Read more!

Robot dog brings joys to crazy old folk

Some mad scientists did a study recently to find out just how lonely and crazy old people in nursing homes are. They took three groups of crazy and lonely old people and one group was visited each week by "Slur pie" a beagle puppy, the next group got a robot dog, and the last group (my favorite group) they got shit. No one came to see the last group except these scientists who only came to see just how much crazier and lonelier this group was than the others.




I'm just picturing four to seven starved for attention men and women in their 90's strapped to a wheelchair in a empty room with 10 to 12 guys in lab coats standing around them with clipboards. The old folk are trying to wheel to them with an outstretched hand desperately hoping for some human contact and these scientists just keep writing. They make notes like this



The results of this mess was that the robot dog group seemed just as happy being visited by a the robot as the real dog group. What does all this prove? That a robot dog is just as nice to be around as a real dog? I think this all started out as a "my grandma is crazier than yours" argument. One guys like "My grandma is so crazy she thinks it's still 1967." and the other ones like "Oh yeah, my grandpa is so crazy he fishes in the bathtub. And he thinks he catches fish!" the last guys goes "I gave my grandma one of those crappy robot dogs and she likes it so much I don't have to visit her as often." All the other jackass science guys thought that was great and wanted to see it their elders would react the same way because they hate visiting them too. Next thing you know they have a grant and they're studying old folk.

I wish I was one of those science guys. I would have peed on the old people.. Read more!

Through the eyes of a child

My three year old insisted on taking some pictures yesterday. I thought I would be nice to be able to catch a glimpse of what it's like to view his world at his level. What I thought I'd get and what I got were two different things.



Here's a couple of plastic men. I know they look dead but I know for a fact they're just pretending so my son won't play with them.



The more I look at this one the more it scares me. It reminds me of the time I sat on the toilet backwards and I sprained my neck looking for the toilet paper.



Anyone could identify this one as garbage.

After looking at these pictures I can't help but wonder if my son is a complete moron. I hope he doesn't grow up to be on of those thirty years old fat guys you see riding their bikes to Wendy's for a job interview. . Read more!

Who's On First?

in honor of our first post here on Random Stain, Zane and Dave reenacted the famed 'Who's On First?' comedy routine and put it to pictures.
Read more!