Poems

I started reading Where the Sidewalk Ends to my six year old and it's inspired him to write some poetry. Not really write it as much as speak it. I did all of the writing down. These are all Zane's original poems. I didn't bother naming them.

there once was a cell phone that did not ring
jimmy said this is weird,
what to do,
what to do,
the cell phone could only meow
the cell phone could only talk to a cat
meow, meow

there once was a dart board that had some luck
but he had some bad problems
he only moved, he only mooed
he only talked to a cat and a mouse
but they did not answer
they were like hmmmmmm
he tried talking to a cow
the cow answered
the dart board now has a friend

there once was an eraser that had no pencil
but the eraser had no luck finding a pencil
he looked inside a book at the library
but this book is about hooks
hmmmmm why is this in here, i do not know
then the eraser got out of the book and the
librarian was surprised it could walk
the eraser had luck now
he found a pencil, they were friends

the key and the lock went to a door
they couldn't reach up
they had no luck reaching up
they tried a ladder but they were too small
to hold the ladder but then they stacked a bunch
of books but books tumbled on them
ahhhhhh the lock said
watch out! the key said
they build the ladder of legos

one book sat alone
he was by his self
he tried walking but the librarian was
watching the only book
but then the librarian fell asleep
and the book got out and found some friends
they were a bunch of books that had many colors
red, indigo and violet
the book was happy
they went back to the library and there were
finally a couple of books
the librarian woke up and was like
hmmmmm how did those books get there
but then she found out the books could move
when she found out she was not mad
the lonely book turned into a happy book
he finally had some friends Read more!

My Work

My work requires I visit all buildings within my jurisdiction to ensure the fools inside aren't poisening the fresh water supply, which believe it or not, happens quite regularly. I usually go in unannounced to catch folks off gaurd.

"Who's in charge around here?" That's such a great open. It really sets the tone for good social interaction. No one will answer you immediately that's for sure. Starting off with that one is sure to followed by a good old fashion stare down. Some have that 'deer in the headlights' stare others will have the 'who the fuck are you' look on their face. The poor sap in the following story was a deer in the headlights sort of fella.

"I said who's in charge here." More stares. "What the fuck is your problem? I'm going to be looking around your building and I don't want any problems. I have the authority to send you to federal prison for the crimes you're commiting in here so I'd advise you to snap out of it." My authority to send people to federal prison was revoked last November. It was major headlines in the paper.

A quick side-step around this fool and I was going about my duty. I thought that I'd be able to go about this unmolested but he was right behind me. "What is this all about?" he farted into the back of my head. I refused to turn around and had a strong urge to run. This guy was a monster. I wasn't prepared. "I can't remember. Leave me alone!" I said and changed directions.

The damage to the building was spectacular. Just as I began to scribble my first few notes on the paper "Are you from the Water Company? Because we've been calling about a....". I couldn't listen. This guy was just too stupid to listen to and his breath smelled like he'd just licked an armpit or two. I had to put a stop to it so I turn and shout "I can't take it! Get the fuck away from me!".

I drove back to my office to find my manager waiting in the parking lot for me. "Were you just over at the Cass building? Because we've been getting phone calls of someone cussing at the workers over there."

"That place if filled with public masterbaters! You can't believe a word they say."

None of the charges I filled stuck. I didn't give myself enough time to collect the proper amount of evidence and the judge wouldn't accept my "nonsense" as admissible. Fuck it. I'll get'em next time around. Read more!