My Work

My work requires I visit all buildings within my jurisdiction to ensure the fools inside aren't poisening the fresh water supply, which believe it or not, happens quite regularly. I usually go in unannounced to catch folks off gaurd.

"Who's in charge around here?" That's such a great open. It really sets the tone for good social interaction. No one will answer you immediately that's for sure. Starting off with that one is sure to followed by a good old fashion stare down. Some have that 'deer in the headlights' stare others will have the 'who the fuck are you' look on their face. The poor sap in the following story was a deer in the headlights sort of fella.

"I said who's in charge here." More stares. "What the fuck is your problem? I'm going to be looking around your building and I don't want any problems. I have the authority to send you to federal prison for the crimes you're commiting in here so I'd advise you to snap out of it." My authority to send people to federal prison was revoked last November. It was major headlines in the paper.

A quick side-step around this fool and I was going about my duty. I thought that I'd be able to go about this unmolested but he was right behind me. "What is this all about?" he farted into the back of my head. I refused to turn around and had a strong urge to run. This guy was a monster. I wasn't prepared. "I can't remember. Leave me alone!" I said and changed directions.

The damage to the building was spectacular. Just as I began to scribble my first few notes on the paper "Are you from the Water Company? Because we've been calling about a....". I couldn't listen. This guy was just too stupid to listen to and his breath smelled like he'd just licked an armpit or two. I had to put a stop to it so I turn and shout "I can't take it! Get the fuck away from me!".

I drove back to my office to find my manager waiting in the parking lot for me. "Were you just over at the Cass building? Because we've been getting phone calls of someone cussing at the workers over there."

"That place if filled with public masterbaters! You can't believe a word they say."

None of the charges I filled stuck. I didn't give myself enough time to collect the proper amount of evidence and the judge wouldn't accept my "nonsense" as admissible. Fuck it. I'll get'em next time around.