Dumbass Pays A Shitload For Cereal

Two Virginia sisters are living the highlife as some dumb motherfucker paid them close to $1400 for a corn flake shaped as Illinois.

The dumbass, who isn't even from Illinois, shelled out the money via an ebay auction.

"I really enjoy corn flakes, and the state of Illinois," the dumbass said at a press conference.

The two sisters, one way hotter than the other, were both ecstatic and surprised by the success of their ebay auction.

"We were just fucking around," the hot one said. "We really didn't think there was anybody fucking stupid enough to buy it. Luckily this dipshit exists though. What a fucko."

Since the sale of the corn flake, ebay has been flooded with coat-tail riding douche bags trying to sell state shaped food items, ranging anywhere from edible condoms shaped as florida to brussel sprouts shaped like Reno, Nevada. The most plentiful and popular item being McDonald's chicken nuggets shaped as Ohio, Indiana and Illinois going for upwards of $7,000 a piece.

"I'm gonna buy a pony!" the non-hot sister said, not realizing that ponies cost way more than her share of the $1400. Sucks for her the parents gave her sister the looks and the brains. This chick's fucked.

Lucky for the dumb motherfucker who bought the $1400 Illinois shaped corn flake, it is also a part of his perfectly balanced breakfast. Read more!

Dude Digs Old Chicks

Peter Cupis of Mesa, AZ was arrested on Saturday for digging old chicks a little too much.

The 28 year old Cupis is being held without bond for breaking into a 93 year old woman's house and raping her.

"Hey man, pussy's pussy," Cupis told reporters. "Old chicks need dickin too."

The sexy party was broken up by a relative responding to the old lady pressing her medical emergency button.

"Help, I've fallen and I can't get up because some dude is on top of me raping me," the old lady was screaming as the relative arrived.

The old lady was treated for minor injuries and released from a local hospital. She's still alive. For now. Read more!

Always Pracitce Safe Text

A recent study by a group of London scientists has concluded that people are fucking morons while text messaging.

The research was spawned after the mind boggling number of text message related injuries in 2007. London alone had over 6.5 billion accidents that resulted in bodily harm while texting.

The incidents range anywhere from people walking into poles, tripping in potholes, bumping into the wrong people, walking into cars and being shot by people who hate text messagers.

"It's very dangerous," one scientist said. "Hopefully these numbers will make people start paying attention while they're texting and stop being such fucking bloody tampons."

One neighborhood in London has taken precautionary actions, going as far as padding all the lamp posts along their busiest street.

"Apparently our residents are dumber than most," said the mayor. "These bastards can't stop walking in to shit."

Some personal precautions the scientists advise are making sure you pay attention if texting while walking and to stop being such fucking bloody tampons. Read more!

Goat To Hell, Doggie!!

A Boston dog has been sentenced to death by the city council after brutally raping and murdering a goat.

Niko, a six-year old black lab of sorts, viciously ripped the fuck out of Miss Daisy, the goat next door.

Animal rights activists think the death penalty may be a little too harsh, but the city council feels it's more than a just punishment. Miss Daisy's owner, Richard Circlesquare, strongly disagrees.

"Fuck those animal rights cocksuckers!" Circlesquare exclaimed. "Miss Daisy never harmed a soul, and all she got in return was violently raped and murdered. That motherfucker tore the fuck out of my goat. He deserves to die! He deserves to burn in hell!!"

The city council released a statement saying their decision was made after following the advice of local animal control specialist, Bob Barker.

"We make a decision, and anybody who disagrees with it can go fuck themselves," the council says in the statement.

Niko has refused to speak to the media, but his owner/lawyer Mike Pissanti has his own theories.

"Everybody seems happy with this verdict," he stated. "But the real killer is still out there. I would bet my life that Miss Daisy was bastardly raped by a coyote. And that coyote knows there's a dog right next door to take the fall. They got the wrong dog. The real killer is stalking his next victim as we speak, and he's very wiley."

Niko's past doesn't help support his owner/lawyer's claim, as he has a record longer than a horse's cock.

That dog's gonna die. Read more!

NY dentist arrested for laughing

SMITHTOWN, N.Y. - A Long Island dentist was arrested after one of his patients called the police and ratted him out for inhaling nitrous oxide or "laughing gas" as it's more commonly known.


Dr. Jip Cocksuckinston says he's been "partying" on the job for years.

"I work on peoples teeth for fucks sake. It's not like I'm cutting their heart out or something. Cut me some slack yo!"

The state of NY did not see this as a "laughing" matter.

"We feel that doctors should not be abusing anything while working. If they want to get all fucked up after work then that's cool but as long as they have their hands all up on someone then they have to be sober."

Dr. Cocksuckingston is currently free on a 4 billion dollar bail. He said he sucked on an old ladies boobs and butt to raise that much money.

Read more!

Boy forced to crap in lunchbox during class

ORLANDO, Fla. - Parents are outraged over what happened last Friday in an Orlando middle school. Gappy Faffer, 13, was forced to shit in his lunchbox then eat his own shit in front of the entire student body and faculty staff.



The incident began during Mrs. Rashballs social studies class when Gappy asked to use the rest room.

"I really needed to shit," Gappy said. "She said the I shit too much and that I was interrupting her class with all my requests to go shit."

According to several eyewitnesses, Gappy shits a lot.

"I watch Gappy shit seven, eight, sometimes twelve times a day. Sometimes I sneak in to his house and play with myself."

After pleading with Mrs. Rashballs for several hours the two finally reached an agreement.

"She said that I could either cut my legs off and eat them or I could shit in my lunchbox and eat that. I didn't like either option because my mom made me shitty legs for dinner just last night and I ate the fuck out of that. It was unbearable though. The urge to shit was stronger than a hookers dog who likes to eat mustard stains with big dicks."

So Gappy shit in his lunchbox and he ate it. Everyone laughed at him and called him 'Asshole' and 'President George Franklin'(the kids at this school think there was really a president named George Franklin who fingered his own fucking asshole)

The teachers union is doing nothing to stop the lawsuit currently being filed against Mrs. Rashballs. Of course the teachers union could not be reached for comment so we sword fought with our dicks for a while.

"We are not going to lift a fucking finger. Fuck! I woke up this morning, jacked off and punched a bird in the ass. What the fuck do you want from me!"

Gappy hopes that no one will ever have to go through the torture he has experienced.

"I just want girls to know that I'm open to anything. I'll let you slap me around or throw acid in my face. Whatever turns you on."


Read more!

Swan Stops Fucking Fake Swan, Starts Fucking Real Swan

It seems like there's not nearly enough hot swan action in the news nowadays. Until today.

Petra, a black German swan named after a shitty christian rock band, became a local celebrity years ago after starting an affair with a boat shaped as a giant white swan. Sadly, that love story is coming to an end.

Petra met somebody else over the winter, a white swan named Stryper. It wasn't until this week that Petra broke the news to the big fake swan.

"It's heartbreaking," the Swan shaped boat said. "You think you know somebody, then it turns out you don't know them at all."

Petra and Stryper are wasting no time starting their new life together. They've already moved in together into a brand new nest.

"We're so excited," Petra exclaimed with his new hussy by his side. "We don't see any need to wait. This part of our life was such a long time in the making."

The new relationship isn't the only news in Petra's life though.

"We're pregnant with our first of many children to come," Stryper said while smiling lovingly at Petra while holding wings. "And it's a boy!!"

"It's so wonderful," Petra added. "Just looking at her and knowing that little Jeremy Camp is growing inside her as we speak."

Things aren't as wonderful for the swan shaped boat, who plans on returning to it's abusive ex-lover by Thursday. Read more!

Heroic Chick Uses Brakes Heroically!!!

Remember that awesome movie Speed? You know, the one about the bus that wants to blow up but those good looking people won't let it? This story is kind of like the real life version of that, except instead of blowing up, this bus wanted to kill a lot of elementary school children.

That is until some 15 year old chick was heroic enough to step on the brakes, stopping the out of control bus and ruining a disaster potentially more awful than Speed 2.

The chick, who happened to be skipping school, was on the school bus with over 40 elementary school students. Now, it's obvious what you're thinking, and no it makes absolutely no sense that some chick skipping school was on a school bus. Apparently she needed a ride and figured a school bus was the best form of transportation, so she asked the driver for a ride home. Again, it's obvious that you're wondering what kind of school bus driver is picking up school aged hitchikers.

Clearly not very good ones. Ones that could possibly fall out of their seat and hit their heads after making a routine right turn, putting the lives of over 40 elementary school students and one chick skipping school in danger.

Lucky for those kids though that this chick is better at saving lives than playing hooky. She heroically jumped out of her seat and used her heroic feet to heroically step on the brake pedal, bringing the death trap of a bus to a heroic stop. Nobody was injured during the fiasco, but two parked cars got completely fucked up.

"I really don't think Speed 2 was as bad as people make it out to be," said former relevant actor Jason Patric. "I'd be down for making a third one if they called me. I have some awesome ideas to complete the trilogy."

Though the school and community are thankful that this chick prevented all those kids from becoming dead, they're not too happy about her skipping school. For her actions, this chick was handed a Saturday suspension.

"I'm stoked to meet her this weekend. I can't wait to see what kind of shenanigans we get into together," said former relevant actor Judd Nelson. Read more!

Testing on Animals

Have you ever wondered why PETA and all those other nuts get so uptight when they hear about a product being tested on animals? We haven't either but here's a video of what we think it might be like.



This was out first collaborated effort. We like it so get off our ass's already!

Written by: Zane
Illustrated by: Jimmy
Colored by: Zane
Voiced by: Jimmy & Dave
Edited and mixed by: Zane
Enjoyed by: Jimmy, Zane & Dave

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