This week we meet Jennifer. A tomboy from Tampa, Florida. She's been with her goofy looking boyfriend for over a year now, and her family hates them because he's too old for her. But...now she's pregnant!!!
With twins!!!
Oh, snap. This shit's bout to get real.
So, the goofy looking dude and Jennifer go out. And she's all like, "I wish you'd have used a condom." And he's all like, "But it's awkward to go in and buy condoms." And she's like, "it's awkward for me to walk around with this big ol' belly. Oh snap! Game, set, match Jennifer!
The twins are gonna be fraternal twins. One of them is gonna be named Noah, despite the baby in the season premiere being named Noah. That's just poor planning. The other one is gonna be called Goofy Looking Boyfriend, Jr. The family's not happy that they're naming one of them after the goofy looking dad, but wait, there's more. THE DUDE WANTS THEM TO HAVE HIS LAST NAME!!! And she's too young to realize that's dumb.
She's all telling him that the family doesn't like that, and complains that she doesn't like that him and her family can't get along. So, what's this douche do? Of course, he says he'll try to get along with them and compromise, right? That's what a normal person would do, isn't it? Not this goofy looking fucker!!! He tells her she has to pick!! He tells his 16 year old pregnant girlfriend (with twins) with a super close family that she has to pick between him and his family!!!
This chick is a freak of nature. In real life, she has this really grating voice. Really squeeky and dumb. But when she's doing her voiceovers, she sounds like a normal human person. What the fuck's going on here? These kids are fucked. That's gonna get confusing and shit.
Shit's all crazy, because Jennifer's family doesn't want to have a baby shower. They're anti her having babies. Not that they want them back alley-ed, they're just not a fan of the whole situation. So goofy looking dude's family decides to throw one for them. They invite her parents, and they get all pissed. They refuse to go to the one the Goofys are throwing, and say they wanna throw one of their own, but that Goofy Looking Dude isn't allowed to come.
Mind you, this girl is 16. And pregnant. With fucking twins!! Why is everybody in her life so fucking stubborn and selfish? Everybody in this episode is a fucking villain, except poor little Jennifer and her two voices.
Then there's a part in the episode where like 5-10 minutes goes by where absolutely nothing happens worth talking about.
Oh shit!!! Until Goofy Looking Dude proposes at dinner!! Shit's bout to get real!! Her parents gonna be trippin!!
Sidenote: Her mom is actually very pretty.
Goofy Looking Dude waits in the car while Jennifer goes in to tell her mom they're now engaged. She doesn't change her expression at all, and asks for Goofy to come in. He tries to sell her his story, she ain't buying it. Then the mom tells her that the family does not accept it and that she can not say 'congratulations.' And she said it all mob like. Like, she seemed about ready to whack this dude.
Goofy Looking Dude is an idiot. He makes it clear he doesn't want to make things work with her family. She says, "how can you want to marry somebody but not want to be accepted by her family?", and this goofy motherfuckers response is "do I have to be in a relationship with them to be in a relationship with you?" Ummm, kinda. Douche.
It's c-section time. Let's get those babies out and get this party started. Judging by what's happened so far this episode, I don't think things are going to go well between the family and Goofy.
Now realizing I should have started referring to Goofy Looking Dude as GLD a long time ago. Instead I just got tired of typing it and shortened it to Goofy.
Anyways, back to the business at hand. These baby's be fucking ugly.
Wow. So, Jennifer calls her mom to see if Goofy is allowed to come home with her and the babies. Her mom says she has doubts and that she's tired of him disrespecting her, then he starts yelling at her over the phone. Dude, you're not really helping your case. He was a douche the entire episode, but he just turned the douche nozzle up to 11. Nobody seems to care that this girl is only 16.
Then Jennifer's mom and dad decide to act like adults for the first time and accept that Jennifer needs them and Josh, so they allow him to come home with them. She gets home and her friends start coming over to meet the twins. Things seem to be going well.
But, guess what the douche's next move is? He complains that there's too many people there and that it's making him uncomfortable, so he tells her she needs to consider moving herself and the twins into his parents' house. Then he leaves! Not only does he leave, but he texts her to tell her he's not coming back over as long as her parents are around. Uh, douche, it's their house. They're gonna be around. So he just doesn't come over to see his twins at all. Because he's a giant fucking selfish douche.
Holy shit. Then he ups the fucking douche. He comes over to see them, insists they leave, then immediately turns into a giant fucking asshole. She finally wises up and tells him to take her home, and that it's over. He starts driving all fast, then kicks her out of the car, and drives off with the kids in the fucking car!!
Congrats Goofy Looking Dude. Despite Adam, Ryan, and countless others being worthless fathers on this show, you just topped them all. You are the biggest waste of life to ever appear on the show. You make Janelle look like an amazing person. You should take notes from Farrah's baby daddy.
He ends up coming back, and she tries to get the kids out of the car, and he fucking picks her up violently and pulls her away from the car. FIVE DAYS AFTER GETTING A C SECTION!!! He then takes the kids out of the car and just sets their car seats on the grass in the rain. The mom shows up, and he starts cussing her out. The cops show up shortly after and haul him off in handcuffs. He only spends a night in jail, then has the fucking nerve to try calling her the next day. For some reason she decides not to press charges, but declares that she will never talk to him again.
Jennifer, kudos to you for being wise enough at 16 to never let that motherfucker see his kids again. Please keep it up. Twins are difficult, but they'll be better off without him.
Holy shit. That was some intense shit.
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