Pastor Loves Strippers

A New York pastor who has been missing since early last week was found outside an Ohio strip club this weekend.

The pastor was enjoying some drinks and titties when cops decided to run his plates and realize he had been reported missing.

When confronted by police outside the club he pulled the 'crazy old man' card by claiming he didn't know where he was or how he got there.

"I wanted to punch the fucker. I hate when people play that shit. We're not fucking idiots," the officer who found him said.

The strippers claim he was more than coherent inside the club, ordering drink after drink and using obsessive profanity.

"That dude totally loved titties," said dancer Candy Titties, better known by her stage name, 'Tasha.' "He kept screaming, 'I LOVE TITTIES!!!!!' And he kept thanking God for titties. That didn't make any sense. But I guess since he's a pastor it makes all sorts of sense. They have to thank God for things."

In his three hours spent inside the club, the pastor accumulated a tab with 24 shots and six lap dances. He also offered one of the strippers money to come back to his hotel with him and fuck him silly.

"It doesn't make any sense," the pastor's distraught wife said. "I show him my titties all the time. Sometimes I even let him touch them."

The pastor left his house early last week, claiming he was going to the local Best Buy to get some new porn. That was the last he was seen until the strip club incident.

His family was set to leave for a family vacation to Disney World the day after his trip to Best Buy. Friends and family allege this is the reason he took off.

"I didn't wanna fucking see Mickey and Minnie," the pastor said. "I wanted kitty and titties."

The pastor will return to work this Sunday with his sermon, "God Ain't Your Homeboy." Services begin at 11am with Sunday school starting at 9am. Read more!

Douche Cop Can't Take Ass Smack

A Denver area Douche of a cop has pissed off other less douchey cops after his doucheness has gotten a fellow officer suspended for 45 days.

The douche cop filed a complaint after a coworker innocently smacked him on the ass as he bent over to grab keys off of his desk.

"If you're going to stick it out, I'm going to hit it," the suspended cop stated. "It's like a dude rule. It's not like I pulled my dick out, pulled his pants down and then penetrated his ass until I shamed him by ejaculating inside him in front of all our coworkers. If that was the case, I'd understand the suspension."

The incident happened in August, and the higher powers knew it was a douchey complaint, so they had hoped it would go away. But it didn't, and they eventually had to do something just to shut the douche up.

"It's gross overkill. It's like executing somebody for blowing their nose and not washing their hands," said one of the people on the punishment committee. "It's not like he pulled his pants down, got down on his knees and proceeded to lick his asshole until he shamed him by causing him to ejaculate from anal stimulation in front of all of their coworkers. If that was the case, I'd understand the suspension."

The ass smack is a common bonding method among men. Many fear that the incident this douche has spawned will put a hamper on ass smacking across the country.

"It's human nature. Dude's smack other dude's asses," says ass smack historian Harry Hardy. "Now, dudes all over are going to be concerned that smacking another dude's ass will result in some sort of punishment, and that shouldn't be the case."

The timing of this story couldn't come at a worse time, with National Smack Another Dude On The Ass Day coming up on April 3. Read more!

At Least You're Not This Dude

A Connecticut man has been arrested and charged with worker's compensation fraud after a video surfaced of him participating in a race at the same time he claimed to be too injured to work.

Not only was the moron cheating workman's comp, but he was caught doing so in a dress and high heels.

The dipshit was taking part in a radio contest in an effort to win Hannah Montana tickets.

"I really wanna fuck that chick," the 41-year-old dude told co-workers before the incident.

Along with wearing a dress and heels, the participants also had to carry an egg on a spoon and do so with the latest Billy Ray Cyrus cd, Home At Last, shoved up their ass.

You'd think life can't get much worse after you get caught faking workman's comp while crossdressing in an attempt to win concert tickets for a girl in her early teens that you jerk off to regularly. But life got much worse for this douche: he didn't even finish top five in the race.

That's a lot of shame, embarassment and consequences all caused by the teen pop sensation.

"I really wanna fuck that chick," the dude said from the back of the police cruiser. "Out of hate." Read more!

Dude Pays Random High School Girl, Still Doesn't Get Laid

A Cincinnati man wished some random high school girl a Happy Easter by surprising her with a $500 tip, and still didn't get to poke that snatch.

The 18-year-old high school senior was selling newspapers at the hospital when a dude in his mid-20's gave her a wad of cash and told her to keep the change.

"At first I thought he just gave me four ones," the girl, who clearly isn't very intelligent, said. "Then I noticed it was far too big for that. Turns out it was $500 in 20 dollar bills. And four ones. So I was kinda right."

Who the fuck can mistake a wad of 29 bills for four bills? This girl clearly isn't good with her hands.

After realizing she had been given the money, the stupid girl went to thank the man, but couldn't find him anywhere. He was clearly offering money for some poking, but the ditzy chick missed the point, so he bailed.

Chances are the money is from a drug deal gone bad, or perhaps from sucking dick for coke. Either way, the dude didn't want it anymore.

The ditzy chick plans to use the money towards a prom dress, shoes and a limo for her upcoming senior prom. Her date will be getting laid. Read more!

Idiot Kills Wife

Some dumbass in Missouri killed his beloved wife while attempting to install a satellite television system for his family.

The dipshit put a shot from a .22 caliber handgun into his wife's chest after firing two shots inside the house in a brilliant attempt to put a hole in the wall.

After using many other various tools trying to poke a needed hole in his wall, the stupid motherfucker did what most logical people would do next.

"I needed a hole in the wall. Nothing else was working," the moron said. "I had no other ideas. Then I look over, and there's my gun. It was looking at me, and I could hear it saying, 'give me a chance. I'll get the job done.' Who am I not to give him a chance, ya know?"

Local law enforcement officials are currently investigating the incident to determine whether or not the fuckwad will face manslaughter charges.

"We've been sending officers over there nightly to interview him and retrieve a statement," the local sheriff said. "But they keep getting distracted by his more than 500 channels of digital quality picture."

The douche is sorry for his loss, but realizes accidents happen and that life needs to continue.

"Yeah, it sucks," the turd said. "But it worked, and now I'm able to mourn with the assistance of their highest quality package at a lower package's price for the first three months. This is how she would have wanted it." Read more!

Women Can't Drive

Police in Florida arrested a local woman and charged her with aggravated assault with a deadly weapon after chasing her husband around their lawn with the family minivan.

The husband walked away unharmed as his wife failed to run him over after more than 20 attempts.

"Thank god she's a woman," the husband said. "No way a man misses me with so many opportunities. I mean, fuck. It was in our goddamn yard. It's not like I had a lot of escape room. So fucking lucky I married an incompetent moron."

To make matters worse for the stupid bitch, she was also charged with child abuse because the couple's six month old daughter was in the van with her at the time of the attack. Luckily the baby was buckled up and walked away unharmed.

"I was like, 'what the fuck is mommy doing?' I couldn't figure out what the fuck daddy did wrong to warrant getting run over by a fucking van," the confused child told police. "I mean, shit dude. It's not like she was trying to throw a dirty diaper at him. This bitch went flat out crazy."

The husband failed in his attempt to stop the van by throwing a brick at the windshield. Seriously? That's the best he could come up with? Trying to throw a brick into a vehicle with your wife and young baby usually isn't the brightest idea. That baby's gonna grow up super stupid.

Police said the dispute started after the husband refused to pay the $300 he still owed his wife from 'Blowjob Tuesday.' Read more!