Juggalohio Opening

Juggalohio, the webseries Dave has co-wrote and co-stars in, premieres on the internet on Wednesday 4/20. This is the opening animation drawn by Jimmy. It's pretty awesome. Read more!

16 & Pregnant Episode Recap: Jordan

The new season of Pregnant Teens kicked off on MTV tonight with a Pregnant Twin episode. Now, when I heard there were gonna be twins on Pregnant Teen, I was really hoping they'd both be pregnant. By the same dude!!

But nope. Just one of them was preggers, and that one was Jordan.

Jordan and Jessica have been twins their whole lives. They did everything together, even drop out of school at 15 to become professional models, despite not being even the least bit hot. Their parents didn't love them, so they were raised by their grandparents and still live with them.

So Jordan gets knocked up by this Brian dude, and Jessica gets all sad because she feels like Brian is making Jordan force Jessica out of Jordan's life and replacing Jessica with Brian.

I'm not sure if there's an equivalent of the Oedipus Rex syndrome as far as twins are concerned, but if there is, Jessica totally has it. She totally wants to fuck Jordan.

So, Brian gets all whiny and complains to Jordan that he doesn't want Jessica in the room when that baby is shooting out her cooch. Jordan passes this decision on to Jessica, who be all pissed about it. Then like five minutes later in the episode they talked about it and it turns out Jessica is gonna be in the room afterall. But let me tell you, those five minutes were fucking intense.

Jessica and Brian claim they don't like each other, but when they fight it seems rather innocent for as much hate as they're supposed to have for each other. It's very obvious they've masturbated to the thought of each other.

When it's time for the baby to pop out, Jessica's in the room taking pictures and shit. Like, the whole time. Jordan's all crying and pushing, and her sister's there snapping away. The baby comes out all bloody, everybody's crying and avoiding seeing the afterbirth get pushed out, but this bitch still be snapping away. That set of pictures has to be the most horrific Facebook photo album ever. Dislike.

Anyways, this baby pops out and it looks exactly like Steve Buscemi. They named it Noah. He was 7 lbs 5 oz or some shit. Who gives a fuck about the specifics?

Then there was the obligatory scene that's in every episode of Pregnant Teens where a nurse shows the teen how to breast feed. It's never as hot as one would imagine.

Cut to montage of the baby waking up every half hour through the night after they get home. Now this bitch realizes how hard this shit is.

Jordan tries to teach Jessica how to change diapers, but Jessica's hands are too cold, so she gets fired midchanging. Then the drama fireworks start going off!! She be all crying, like, "I'm not a part of her picture anymore!!" and "she doesn't need me in her life anymore!!" Those aren't direct quotes, as I've mastered the art of tuning out the sound of crying females. But you get the picture. Like having a baby wasn't enough, now Jordan has to deal with her whiny ass sister as well.

Ya know, Jessica, I was on your side up until now. But shut the fuck up. It's only logical to go get fucked and get yourself pregnant right now to balance it out. That's. How. Twins. Work.

Then Jordan gets all sad that her tits aren't shooting out enough milk to feed this baby, but Jessica is there to console her and help with the baby. Good job, Jess. I'm back on your side.

After Jessica starts going back to school and Brian starts going back to work, Jordan starts to fear that something is wrong with Noah. Like that movie Orphan, whose tagline was "Something Is Wrong With Esther." Turns out what was wrong with her was she was like a 40 year old dwarf hooker that looked like a little kid. This helped her with her love of being adopted by different families and then killing them. The same thing wasn't wrong with Noah, it was just acid reflux. Which is still pretty shitty.

Then they kinda talk for a few more minutes about god knows what and the episode ends.

Solid season opener.

Read more!