Two Friends Talking About Geraldo Deep-Throating A Double Sided Dildo w/Jimmy and Zane

Jimmy
You are correct. I remember one time he and Geraldo went to town on a double donger. It was strange because the episode was supposed to be about troubled teens. So, needless to say, they went way off topic. That was a weird episode.

Zane
Isn't that the episode that Geraldo broke his nose? He was trying to out deep-throat ol' Phildo on the dildo and smashed his face into the top of his silver head. Weird episode indeed.

Jimmy
That was a good one. Or a "good 'un", as the youngsters say. Kids have slang for all kinds of phrases. For example, instead of saying, "fuck you!", they'll say, "up your nose with a rubber hose!". Or in stead of saying, "bite me, dickhead!", they'll say, "Hey, step on it, wisenheimer!" You gotta keep up with the lingo if you wanna be down with the teens.

Zane
I'll be damned. I didn't realize you were hip to the scene. Maybe you can help me out with something. The other day this kid comes up to me and asks if I know where the "restroom" is. I just assumed he wanted drugs so I shot him up with a bunch of dirty brown. Then of course when the kid pissed and shit all over himself I automatically assumed he just couldn't handle his junk. What the hell did this kid really want?

Jimmy
I don't think he was asking for drugs. Sounds to me like some sort of Gypsy curse or a hex. Possibly voodoo. I'd be careful if I were you pal.

Zane
You just confirmed my worst suspicions. I'm more than likely going to have to do the unthinkable and squirt some of that medicine up my rectum. That'll clear out any Gypsy curse that little fucker slipped in me.

Jimmy
I usually keep a syringe full of Gypsy curse vaccination up my ass at all times. Some would say I'm being overly cautious. To them I say, "It's clobberin' time!" If they get the fantastic four reference we have a good laugh, if they don't we just go our separate ways.

Zane
I love it when someone uses a fantastic four reference to answer my ridicule of what they have or have not put up there ass. Really lightens the mood. Them singing a Christmas carol or twerking also works.




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Opening Paragraph

Below is the opening paragraph to a novel that I just started, and in all likelihood, will not finish.   

    Since the age of nine, Jacob Colby could not watch a raccoon and a dog play checkers without two things; his lucky hat and exactly forty-seven dollars in change in his right front pocket which needed to be mostly nickles and dimes. As I'm sure you can imagine, this has caused poor Jacob more than his fair share of heart ache over the past twenty six and three-quarters years. The worst example of this being when he was forced to strangle the love of his life, Sarah Nikelholm, in a Toronto alley-way after she insisted on giving a vagrant one of Jacobs quarters, even though this would have left him exactly ten cents shy of his necessary amount, which the man claimed was needed in order to save his life. It was later confirmed that the man did indeed need the twenty five cents, and that it did in fact save the man's life. This was of no consequence to poor Sarah who lay bloated and dead in a rat infested Canadian sewer, her face so swollen and bruised that the coroner was forced to confirm her identity by swabbing some DNA off of her rarely used, but by no mean virgin, vagina. 

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Two Friends Talking About Day-Time Television and Double Sided Dildos w/Jimmy and Zane

Zane
Some smart-ass tried to rope me into that whole "who came first, the children or the egg" bullshit yesterday. I was all like "don't go their girlfriend" and then I put my hand on my hip and put my other hand right in his fucking face. It was probably the coolest thing I've ever done in my life.

Jimmy
Wow I bet you looked pretty tough. The toughest thing I ever did was when I was finally able to pin my grandma in wrestling. Who's the pussy now, grandma?!

Zane
Thanks, I did look tough as nails. I don't want to call you an all-out liar but I've seen your grandma, naked, and there's no way you pinned her. Not her when she's sober anyways.

Jimmy
True, she is a tough old gal when she's full of whiskey, but I'm an even tougher old gal when I'm full of gummi bears.

Zane
I never considered you being all hopped up on gummi bears, so I suppose you could be telling the truth. Sorry for doubting you. It's just that I've seen your grandma, butt ass nude, take down some pretty mean characters without ever breaking a sweat.

Jimmy (answering a completely separate message)
Just don't post any of my funny 'jokes" about picking up a hitchhiker and chopping him up. Behind every joke is a kernel of truth.

Zane
Just so I'm clear, you want me to take funny pictures of you chopping up a hitchhiker and put that on facebook. Got it.

Jimmy
Yes. Wait...no. Aw fuck! Looks like it's back to prison for me.

Zane
I'm afraid so. Too bad too. I always liked you, but I'll be damned if I'm not going to love watching you rot in a Mexican prison for the rest of your miserable life you piece of shit mother fucker! Whoa! Hold on a second there! I'm sorry about that. I got to thinking about something else and lost control of what I was typing. You're not going to prison for something as trivial as chopping up a hitchhiker.

Jimmy
Oh thank God. I hate getting raped by guys I'm not that attracted to. And it's hard for me to tell them I just like them as friends.

Zane
They just did a thing about that on that show the Dr's.

Jimmy
I don't pay attention to daytime tv since Sally Jesse Raphael isn't on. No SJR...no thank you!

Zane
I was always partial to the "Silver Fox" aka Phil Donahue. That man knew how to work a crowd. He knew how to work a double sided dildo too if I'm not mistaken.


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Two Friends Talking About Dogshit Casserole w/Jimmy and Zane

Jimmy
Yeah most babies like to party. The ones I hang out with do anyway.

Zane
Speaking of parties, do you want to come to my facebook message party? It's going to be a lot of fun. I mean a whole hella lotta fun. Hella fun.
By "party" you realize I mean "just sending messages back and forth" and by "hella fun" I mean "fun fun dum dum with some rum and a bum eating chum".
I hope you don't think I'm insulting your intelligence by explaining that to you. You're a hip cat and is all downs with the local lingo. I know that.

Jimmy
Sounds swell. Should I bring a casserole?

Zane
Holy shit. Did you read the entire message? This party will take place entirely on facebook! Of course I want you to bring a casserole!

Jimmy
Ok I'll email you some green bean casserole. It's a large casserole file, so you may have to reheat.

Zane
That's fine. Put it in a zip lock file before you email it. Also, don't add any extra "nonsense" to the casserole this time. I thought you overdid the "funny" ingredients the last time we did this. Pepper? Really? Corn? C'mon!? Little rubber stamps in the shape of Florida with the saying 'It's always cooler in the Panhandle' written undernearth!!?? I don't need that type of shit in my casserole.

Jimmy
Ok I'll leave that stuff out but I don't think you'll like it as much. Without all those extra ingredients it's not really a casserole, it's just dogshit. Delicious dogshit.

Zane
I like eating dogshit. I even put dogshit on my eggs. Some people think that's gross but I don't care. One time, I was at this little piece of shit restaurant in the middle of nowhere, eating my dogshit covered eggs and this little girl walks up to me and says "Ewww gross! Mommy, that guy is eating eggs!"

Jimmy
Kids hate eggs. Which is ironic because they hatch from eggs.



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