Jimmy
Yeah people think cow drowning is easy. They think it's all water and cows. But there's actually a lot of science to it. My great grand pappy is scientific. Scientific like a sumbitch.
Zane
Dr. Science is what we used to call him. Did you know he's the one who figured out that the optimal pH for drowning cows is 37.5? That man was a true genius.
Jimmy
He also loved them sheep. I mean he really loved them sheep. In fact, my great granny was a sheep. That's why my pubic hair is so white and fluffy, in case you were wondering.
Zane
Well I'll be darned. No, can't say I was wondering, but that don't mean it ain't something worth being known, now does it? Shit, as long as were telling such strange and wonderful things about ourselves, I'll let you in on a tasty little nugget of gossip: dogs are scared of fire.
Jimmy
They are only scared of fire because they don't make the effort to get to know it. I used to be scared of the creepy old guy across the street til I got to know him. Now every Wednesday I go to his house and pose nude while he sculpts me using his own shit as clay.
Zane
This guy sounds wonderful. And resourceful. I know I get sick and tired of running out of clay and not having a suitable replacement handy. It'd be nice to see one of these shit nude sculptures. Any chance he's have an exhibit any time soon?
Jimmy
He says he'll have one, but it's in his basement. I'm like dude, there's no lights down there and it smells like corpses. He's just all like whatever.
Zane
It doesn't sound like an ideal place for an exhibit, but what the hell. I'm coming. I'll also attend the exhibit.
Jimmy
Whoa buddy, TMI! (Tame My Iguana)
Zane
Tame My Iguana? How am I suppose to do that? You and I both know that Iguana of yours cannot be tamed. It's a wild animal for fucks sake! Remember last year at your Arbor Day party when he flushed everyone's coin purse's down the toilet? TMI indeed!
Jimmy
Yeah that was embarrassing. I'm still paying off all the change that was flushed that day. That's why I can't afford my placebo medication anymore.
Zane
Are you buying the name brand placebo or the generics? I usually go with the name brand because they cost more which means they're better. That goes for double when talking about placebos. I tried the generic placebos once and it just didn't feel like they were doing anything.
Jimmy
Did I say placebo? I meant gazebo. I'm such an idiot.
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