Two Friends Chatting with Each Other w/Jimmy and Zane

Zane
You're an equal opportunity stalker and that's great. More people should follow your lead on this. Take me for example. I love stealing infants social security numbers and ruining their credit before their even old enough to drive. It's my go to crime. My calling card it you will. Well, it'd only be fair if instead of simply taking their social security numbers I traded social security numbers with them. Sure, the odds of an infant knowing how to steal an identity is slim to none but it still seems like the right thing to do.

Jimmy
That's like when I purposely knock old people over. I help them up when I'm done laughing at them. I'm not some kind of asshole

Zane
Of course you're not. My only question is, before you knock these old people over, do you say anything? For example, "Fuck you!" or "Eat shit grandma!".

Jimmy
I'll usually say something sarcastic like "have a nice trip" or "walk much?" I think deep down they appreciate the humor

Zane
I always liked "What's your favorite season? Fall?"

Jimmy
Once I said "hey, winters a' comin". I think that just confused both if us.

Zane
Maybe if you were wearing a leather jacket and eating a hot dog it wouldn't have been so confusing.

Jimmy
Yeah but where am I gonna get a hot dog this time of night?

Zane
If you were in Hotlanta then you could get one anywhere. What do you think the "hot" in Hotlanta stands for? I'll give you a hint, it's not hot girls in rap videos butts. (it's hot dogs)

Jimmy
Hmm that makes sense. I never thought of that. Never was much for thinking. They used to call me joe no brains McGee. That was back before I legally changed my name from joe no brains McGee to jimmy cole.

Zane
Talk about not thinking, I used to have a prison pen pal named joe no brains McGee. In our last correspondence Joe No Brains (that's what I called him for short) simply said "I'm getting out on a technicality and I'm changing my name. I can't tell you what I'm changing it to but my new initials will be J.C." I just assumed he opened up a chain of now struggling retail stores but after you told me that they used to call you joe no brains McGee it got me thinking, do you know joe? If so, how's he doing?

Jimmy
I know him. He and I have become one. I don't mean that in a weird way, I mean sexually

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Two Friends Chatting on Facebook w/Jimmy and Zane

Zane
I can only think of one thing worse than that. Bruising your gandreisel gland oppus connection fatty acid molecular compound. That shit sting like a mother!

Jimmy
It's a dangerous world out there. The other day I fell into an open manhole. Now the man's hole I fell into is threatening to sue.

Zane
Fuck this world that's bullshit! If you need a lawyer I know a guy who's brother specializes in open manhole falling incidents. He's good too. He was telling me about this one case where the guy was completely at fault, the manhole had a sign posted and there were cones all around it and the guy (who was high on weed) still fell in. The case went to court and this lawyer ended up getting him a lifetime supply of ice cream sandwiches and $14 worth of coupons! Pretty good deal in my opinion.

Jimmy
Ice cream sandwiches are my favorite kind of sandwiches. I like em with tomato and extra mayo.

Zane
Gross! Ice cream and mayo!? I've never heard of anything that crazy since my aunt Pat said she wanted white roses on her sisters head stone! Am I crazy for thinking we should all pack ten tons of dookie up the nearest dogs asshole? Call me "Mr. Butt Brains" or even "Mr. Brains-a-doodle" if you'd like. But to tell you the true Jimmy, I'm drunk and just typing nonsense.

Zane
Hey, Poop Face. I'm sitting here thinking how silly it would be if twelve tons of shoe strings would have shot out of your neighbors vagina and fucked up yesterdays news broadcast.

Jimmy
That happens more often than people realize. It's a scary world we live in

Zane
I think its smart the way you let everyone know exactly where you are through facebook. If someone wanted to kill you or rob your home you'd really save them a lot of time.

Jimmy
I spend so much time stalking others, I thought it was only fair to give them the chance to stalk me

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Two Friends Conversing w/Jimmy and Zane

Zane
That is harsh but I understand. You always were the only one who would tell it to me straight. You and one other person that is. Mr. Franky Whistlemyerstain. He was the assistant coach of my youth t-ball team. I remember I struck out once and started crying and he came right up to me and put his hands on my shoulders and just shook me Really hard. Probably too hard. My neck broke and three of my ribs shattered. I'll never forget that guy.

Jimmy
He broke your neck? That's a real douche move. Did you live?


Zane
Barely. They had to rush me into emergency surgery and they ended up putting about a hundred screws, a couple of bolts, three titanium rods, and a full truck load of concrete into me. Luckily they put all that shit into my asshole and not my neck or I would have died.


Jimmy
Well I'm glad to hear you survived. I was afraid that you died and that the Bill Cosby movie Ghost Dad was loosely based on your life.


Zane
Thanks for the well-wishes. You just don't hear enough well-wishes now-a-days do you? In my professional opinion everyone should wish everyone else well or at the very least not go out of their way to kill them. Maybe that's just the crazy hippie in me coming out but that's how I feel.


Jimmy
That does sound a little hippy-dippy. Although to be honest I don't really know what the fuck hippy dippy means. But I heard a guy say it one time.


Zane
Hippy dippy is what you call something that's far out or totally in the spirit of loving Mother Earth. For instance, if you were to crash a motor bike into a tree and then french kiss that tree, that would be hippie dippy.


Jimmy
Got it, hippy dippy means tree fucking. If that's the case, I guess you could say my uncle Earl is "hippy dippy". Except instead of trees it was me.


Zane
That's gross but I suppose you're right.
Too bad we couldn't have captured the type of magic we create here in these messages on our podcast. I think I'm funnier when I communicate in complete sentences and give myself a couple of seconds to actually come up with a thought before I speak.


Jimmy
Well we could type out our podcasts. Although anyone who's interested in our podcasts probably aren't big readers.


Zane
A typed podcast you say...that might just be crazy enough to work. We could be pioneers of the typed podcast sensation that surely coming. There'll be website upon website filled with nothing but people rabble about anything and everything. I don't think we should call it a "typed podcast" though. We need something simpler. Shorter. How about we call it a "Flog".


Jimmy
Flog eh? Reminds me of something I once heard of called a blog. But I think that has something to do with sticking a log up your butt.

Zane
Blogs are for pussies is what my great-great-grandpa used to say. Flogs are for real men with strong arms and squared jaws and My Little Pony tattoos on their rear ends.


Jimmy
Well if having my little pony tattooed on your ass makes you manly, then consider me Burt Reynolds.

Zane
Alright then Burt. How's about you and me (Shirley Temple) get started on Flogging!

Jimmy
As they used to say in the old country, flog me up you bastard!
August 5

Zane
We need to make sure we stretch out really well before we start this flogging. Heavens knows the last thing we need is a pulled bithoyiod mastonomous tissue muscle tendon.
August 5

Jimmy
True. There's nothing worse than a.....one of those.

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