Two Friends Talking About Chainsaws and Breathing Air and Hector w/Jimmy and Zane

Zane
That is true. I never thought about it but goddammit if it ain't true. Kids (infants and toddlers) just don't make good trolley operators. I've been riding infant driven trolleys for years and I've never put two and two together before. I wonder what other potentially dangerous situations I'm needlessly putting myself into? There's that blind man that I let practice his sword choppin' in my bedroom while I'm sleeping. That one could maybe use a little rethinking. I know, I'll move him into my son's room. It's much roomier.

Jimmy
Speaking of dangerous, how bout those chainsaws? Great for chopping down trees, yeah, but put them into the hands of a maniac and you've got a real bloodbath on your hands. I don't know why scientists keep making chainsaws. Just asking for trouble in my opinion.

Zane
Chainsaws are nothing but a fly in your soup compared to some of the real dangers in this world. Air? Ever try breathing this stuff? Me either and I won't start now just because a couple of ding-bat science types want me to. Fuck'em. What about that stuff that falls out of your butt every now and then? Ever eat that stuff? I do. I love it. Had a couple of guys from the lodge tell me that they were thinking of cancelling my membership because I eat it. Fuck them too. If they think I'm going to stop eating my ass candy surprises just to stay a member of some shitty lodge that doesn't even have the common courtesy to post the pictures I took of my dog giving birth in their silly newsletter, then they clearly have no idea who the fuck they're dealing with. Harold, the Lodge Master, says the picture where too "graphic" and that the pictures of the mom eating the afterbirth were "gross". Fuck him too. Fuck him hard in his ass.

Jimmy
Well that was quite a rant but I have to say I agree with you 100 percent. If you ask me, any lodge, cult, or clan should make very clearly their policy regarding the eating of anal leavings. Cause other wise, how would you know? Do they think you're psychic? And if so, what would make them think that? Was it the time you won the office Oscar pool? Cause that ain't psychic ability, that was all luck.

Zane
That was quite a rant. I had to go back and read it again because I think I was in some sort of rant trance when I originally wrote it. I've been going in and out of trances a lot lately. They usually kick in Monday through Friday starting at about 7 a.m. and end sometime after 5 p.m. It's like I'm in some sort of zombie state where I don't really care what's happening and I'm just going through the motions of life. I just can't imagine that that's good for a person but I don't know what to do about it. I've asked a couple of my lodge brothers what I should do about it and they all said "Ew! Gross! Get away from me you shit eating scumbag!"

Jimmy
Sorry it's taken me a while to write back. I was in a coma for a few years. To make matters worse, while I was out my long lost evil twin Hector returned from the Bermuda Triangle. Posing as me, he managed to take over the family business which was rightfully meant to be mine. The worst part is, all of this could have been avoided if only I had taken that fortune cookie more seriously.

Zane
Fucking Hector. He never was nothing but trouble. I thought you said that as long as you held the Amulet of Sarsaparilla and drank that potion with the lumpy green stuff in it Hector couldn't escape the Triangles power. What gives mi amigo?

Jimmy
I left the amulet on the bus one day. I was gonna call lost and found, but there was a documentary on PBS about candle making and I got wrapped up in it.

Zane
That was a real bone head thing to do. That amulet was worth about a hundred bucks. Eh, whatcha gonna do? I got caught up in that same show and forgot to give my dog's puppies their heart worm medication so they all got a nasty case of heart worms now. Heart worms sound cool and all but they are not. Did you know they kill puppies? Gross isn't it.





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Happy Thanksgiving!

When I was six years old my father told me that we only eat turkey on Thanksgiving because turkeys are poisonous any other time of the year. He said it had something to do with the first frost of the year and how the cold weather killed this deadly bacteria that lived in turkey blood and how if you ate a turkey before this bacteria was dead you'd shit your insides out and die on the toilet. Of course now I know this is total bullshit and that my dad's an asshole for telling that. Turkeys are safe to eat year round and actually do taste better if killed and eaten in late summer.

I hope everyone has a great Thanksgiving. It's unrealistic to ask God to not kill anyone this Thanksgiving but I know he will.

Koreans don't celebrate Thanksgiving and I bet they were secretly rooting for the Indians all those years ago.

Buying the biggest turkey in the store, for me, is a huge thrill. I love walking up to the counter with a massive, steroid injected, freak of a bird, throwing it on the belt driven counter breaking it, having security called on me because I'm now screaming "You ruined my bird!", getting thrown in prison, meeting a nice Muslim man who teaches me all about his crazy religion, getting released on good behavior, and then going home and eating some of that juicy bird.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Love,

Zane

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Happy Birthday David!

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Two Friends Talking About Their Uncle Chester and Breakfast Nooks and Balls w/Jimmy and Zane

Zane
Alright, that's great. Thanks for sharing that. I know it can be difficult sometimes for people to discuss Columbus Day but you fought through the hurt and came out on the other side with a pair of "clean jeans" as my great uncle Chester used to say. Uncle Chester was an idiot of course but I think that goes without saying.

Jimmy
I understand, I have an Uncle Chester of my own. Only we call him Uncle Earl because his name's Earl and he's my mom's brother. Anyway, one day ol Uncle Earl flops his ball sack out onto the breakfast nook and says to me, "This do anything for ya?" That was a birthday party I'll never forget.

Zane
You'll never forget? It's a birthday that haunts me to this very day! If you remember it was my head that Uncle Earl grabbed onto to balance himself right before he hiked his nasty leg up on that breakfast nook and whipped his balls out. I remember thinking "this ain't right," but before I could protest your Aunt Earlma grabbed me and put me in a headlock and threatened to "twist my head off" if I went to the police. It was right around that time the police did come in and started shooting the place all to pieces. I took two to the chest and your head was blown clean off. I thought for certain that the cops were going to turn their pistols on Uncle Earl next but instead they all just went to admiring his balls and I overheard one of them say something like "those balls are really doing it for me" and another one say "I'm getting all worked up staring at them there balls." Those cops were NOT doing things by the book and that's why I've always wanted to be a rouge cops who bursts into birthday parties and shoots people.

Jimmy
Oh that was you. I'll be honest with you, I'm a clone. I don't remember every detail about who I was cloned from, just what I'm told or programmed to remember. I hope you can understand my embarrassment and I ask that you please not tell anyone about my cloning situation.

Zane
I'm beginning to think that you've been fucking with me this entire time. I don't believe you're a clone, I don't believe that you're Miss Tuesday, and I certainly don't believe you're name is James (Jimmy) Cole. Who the hell is this and what have you done with my friend Jimmy? I need to speak with him ASAP. I need to tell him about this one time I thought I saw a bunch of kids planning a bank robbery. If you see him before I do, tell him that the kids weren't really planning a bank robbery, they were just fucking around with a pointed stick.

Jimmy
Well, kids will be kids. But then again, what else would they be? Trolley conductors? Cause I'll tell ya right now, I'll be damned if I'm gonna ride on a trolley with some toddler behind the wheel. Little bastard has to sit in a booster seat cause he can't see over the trolley dashboard. And you just know he's not concentrating on steering the darned thing. No sir, all he's thinking about is a shiny new rattle, or, I dunno, Shrinky Dinks or whatever the hell kids are into nowadays.

A kid just wouldn't be a good fit as a trolley conductor is all I'm trying to say.

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