Coach

I gathered up all the stray dogs in my neighborhood this morning and had a little talk with them all. They're a great group but they don't focus. They're always washy wiggling around with their heads in outer space when they need to be focusing on the game.

"Listen, you're nice dogs and I like you. But you're going to have to get your shit together if you ever want to make it to the NBA," I said.

I could tell they weren't listening so I started picking on them one by one.

"You there, the one with the spots. You could be a pretty damn good rebounder but you don't block-out like you should. You have to know where your man is at all times and when that shot goes up, you put your ass right on him!"

That was Yogurt Face. They gave him that nickname because every time he eats yogurt he wipes a bunch on his cheeks to be funny. It was funny the first time then it just got old. He still fucking does it too.

Next I wanted to address the fact that these fucking animals didn't even seem to know how to play basketball.

"Just how in the fuuuuck do you think you're going to get drafted when you don't even play the fucking game!"

Time to switch gears on their asses. This next little speech I'd been saving in my back pocket for a rainy day.

"When the going gets tough, get fucking tough with it or you're going to have your little tushies broken the fuck off inside another man's mouth!"

Oh boy, that got'em going. One jumped right off the top of the washing machine and ran into the wall. He cracked his head pretty good and there was a fair amount of blood pouring from his mouth.

"That's what I'm talking about! Who's with me?"

It was my turn. I couldn't let the team think I wasn't man enough bash my own head into the wall. I stepped back about forty yards and ran as fast as I could with my pants around my ankles. In hindsight I shouldn't have pulled them down to begin with, but it was too late. By the time I got near the wall it was too dark to see and I couldn't hardly find my ass with both hands. I started crying and screaming for my mommy.

The dogs lost all respect for me that day. They fired me as their head coach. It was for the best though. I read in the papers today that everyone but Shaky got launched into space on some experimental rocket headed for Saturn. I always thought that Saturn was a big waste of time. But what do I know, I'm just a stupid ex coach who can't even ram his own head into a wall after getting a forty yard running start.



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