Two Friends With Immature Senses of Humor w/Jimmy and Zane

Jimmy
I wanted to invite you but word on the net (what the youngster call the internet) is that when you attend a tea party, you don't stick out your pinky while sipping tea. I'm a classy motherfucker and I can't have non classy people fucking up my classy ass.

Zane
Well fortunately for me the word on the NET was CORRECT! And there's not a damn THING that could make the truth more RING! Oh fuck, it's happening again...I'm speaking in rhyme...must fight...this is not right...not tonight..... Whoa! I think it passed. That was a close one. Happens every time I'm not invited to tea party.

Jimmy
Whoa just take it easy there. You can come to the tea party, just settle down with the rhyme talk.

Zane
Thanks. You've made a lot of people happy today. Not by inviting me to that imaginary tea party. That would be silly. You've made all those people happy because you used the "Phrase That Pays!" Every time someone says "down with the rhyme talk" a whole football field of people get a $5 coupon redeemable at any Token Savers arcade! Way to go pal!

Jimmy
Thanks! I'm gonna go off topic here for a bit. Last night I was abducted by the Martians. Again. They anal probed the stuffing out of me! I know this isn't your problem, but it just feels good to talk to someone about it.

Zane
Yep, them Martians'll do that to you. I got so sick and tired of having my stuffing crammed tight that I went to sewing my butt hole closed. That worked for all of two seconds. Guess who's really good at
un-stitching butt holes? You guessed it, Martians.

...still Zane
Was my last comment not good enough for a reply? What's the deal? I thought we had a thing going here. Fine with me. Since I haven't had to send you a message in a couple days, I've had literally dozens of extra seconds to share and I've been putting them to good use. Yesterday after threw something in the trash I double checked to see if it was getting too full. Who knows what I'll accomplish tomorrow if I get that sort of time to do whatever.

Jimmy
Sorry. I was abducted again. All their advanced alien technology and they don't have internet. Not even dial up.

Zane
At least you're okay. I had this crazy thought that maybe you were given a pet boa constrictor for your birthday and that boa constrictor just happened to be one of them mutant boa constrictors that could talk and tap dance and it convinced you to convert to a radical Islamic religion and you moved to Rochester.

Jimmy
No that didn't happen thank goodness. I really dodged a bullet there. Seriously I'm being shot at. If you could call 911 when you get this message, I'd really appreciate it.

And here is the rest of it. Read more!

Two Friends Talking About Exclamation Points w/Jimmy and Zane

Zane
In all seriousness Jimmy, that was too many exclamation points. I get that you were writing a silly little message about your grandpa shitting on you but c'mon. I tried to count how many exclamation points there were and had to stop at 100. Do know what would have happened if I counted over 100? Huh, do you!? Well let me tell you bud it wouldn't have been pretty. I have a curse on me that if I count to over 100 my dick grows huge and super hot girls will try and touch it. After that they'll all try and show me their huge boobs and great asses! And if all that isn't bad enough I'll start getting these checks in the mail for hundreds of thousands of dollars and I won't even have to do any work for them! Terrible things my friend. Think next time before you go slapping over 100 exclamation points all over the place.

Jimmy
You're right. I'm sorry about the exclamation points. Sometimes I cant tell when I've gone too far. I dunno, I guess it's a cry for help. I guess I'm just not handling the pressures of life very well. My boss is always on my ass to bring him more pictures of Spiderman, and last week I caught my wife having sex with our gardener. I'm sorry to hear about your curse. I wouldn't wish that horror on my worst enemy. My worst enemy being my gardener who's nailing my wife.

Zane
Apology accepted. I know a guy who might be able to help you out with your gardening problem. He's an ex CIA guy that goes by the name of Look Out Below! When you talk to him you have to say it just like you're really telling someone to "look out below" which is sort of weird. He's not the first guy I've ever met that has an exclamation for a name though. My old dentist was named Please God, stop hurting me! and the manager of the gas station I go to all the time is named Whoa There Mister!

Jimmy
Sounds like a good group of guys. Do they like to party? If so, I'm having a tea party with all my dolls. They are more than welcome to attend.

Zane
Sure, I'll send them right over. You know who else likes to party? Me. But I guess I'm not invited. No big deal. I'll have my own bad ass party with some pickle men I just made out of pickles and tooth picks. "Hello there Mr Bumpy. Oh no! Don't jump!" Well FUCK! Mr Bumpy just jumped off the fridge and some strange animal is organizing a rescue party...well, that didn't work. They're all dead now. Thanks for the invite by the way.

And here is the rest of it. Read more!

Two Friends Talking About Mule Boners w/Jimmy and Zane

Jimmy
Speaking of shrink rays, the other day my whiskers were getting a little long, but I ran out of shave cream. So, long story short, I set my beard on fire. Then, as if that wasn't bad enough, some prankster put a kick me sign on my back.

Zane
Sorry about your luck pal but I got REAL problems over here. My foot got all itchy yesterday while I stood in line at the bank so of course I had to dry hump the security guard and poop my pants. Well Golly-Gee-Molly if that wasn't bad enough the lady in front of me got her period and started throwing goddamn fire crackers into the elephant cage!

Jimmy
Sounds like you got more troubles than a mule who can't get a date to the mule prom.

Zane
More like a mule who can't get an erection after the mule prom. But when you stop and think about it, how many mules really need to be running around with one of these so-called "erections", am I right?

Jimmy
You are correct sir. And that's exactly whats wrong with America..too many mule boners.

Zane
I've always told people that we get along so well because of our similar right-wing views on mule boners. Mule boners and the poor. You still think the poor should be forced to work in labor camps building fancy table and chair set for the super rich don't you?

Jimmy
Only if they're whipped hard and frequently.

Zane
You took the words right out of my mouth. Seems like a simple enough idea to a couple of intellectuals such as ourselves but, unfortunately there are them dummy do dos out there with a bunch of "Oh no, don't hit that poor old man!" and "How could you!?" or "Which hole is poop suppose to come out of?" Jeez, I'm not a doctor! Get a dictionary already!

Jimmy
My grand pappy used to sit me on his knee and he'd say, "Denise, there's only two things in this world you need to know; 1. Women folk have multiple holes, use them wisely. and 2. Hold this camcorder still while I nail your grand mammy." I still live by those words to this day.

Zane
Your grand pappy sounds like a wise wizard to me. I wish I could have met him and even possibly worked the boom mic during a filming of his love making sessions. My grand pap gave me some sound advice too. He said "Zane, you look just like a door" then I'm say "I'm over here grandpa. You're talking to the door again!"

Jimmy
consider yourself lucky. My gramps used to get me confused with an outhouse. That turned out to be unpleasant, I can guarantee you of that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!



And here is the rest of it. Read more!

Two Friends with Wood Chatting w/Jimmy and Zane

Zane
Nice. Next time you're sexing him up, tell him I said "Howdy Do Buck-A-Roo!" He'll know what I mean

Jimmy
I told him. He said to tell you "zippidy doo dah, mother humper!"

Zane
That crazy S.O.B. hasn't changed a bit! Was half of his nose still missing? He's been looking for it forever.

Jimmy
I've got the half of his nose. Son of a bitch will get it back when he pays me back the money I loaned him to get circumcised .

Zane
Fair enough. I heard the circumcision went poorly though. Instead of cutting his foreskin they cut his back-skin. Now his butt hole is two inches deeper.

Jimmy
That's why they need a stricter screening process for circucisers.

Zane
Agreed. Call me crazy but I don't think anyone diagnosed with Chopingston Disease (the disease that makes you want to chop a dick off) needs to be performing circumcisions.

Jimmy
Whenever I see one of those people coming at me with a scalpel and a crazy look in their eye, I have to say "no"! I feel bad, but at some point you have to put your foot down.

Zane
I usually just let them do it. I know I shouldn't but 'what the hay', it's not like I only have one dick that'll never grow back if it gets cut off, right? I've never counted them but I figure I have literally thousands of dicks growing out of the top of my head alone. Sure I'm not growing them as fast I used to but they'res still plenty of dicks to go around. Isn't it weird how some guys have a lot of dicks growing on their chest and some guys don't have any? I even have dicks growing out of my ears now-a-days!

Jimmy
It's funny, guys with lots of dicks wished they had less, guys with only one with they had more. It's like the old saying "the grass is always greener depending on your dick situations"

Zane
Yeppers, yep, and yep-a-reeno! I over heard a couple of old coots talking about when they used to eat dicks for breakfast the other day when I was crawling around the yard looking for some kids that I accidentally shrunk with my experimental shrink ray. Little fuckers nearly got eaten by a scorpion don't you know! Luckily I found them in time and shrank myself down to scorpion size and punched that son of a bitch right in his thorax. Everyone keeps asking my why I shrank myself down and I keep telling them it because I never grew a brain!

And here is the rest of it. Read more!