Dumb Bitch's Night Ends Well

A Pennsylvania dumb bitch wrecked her car early Friday morning while drving home completely intoxicated.


Police say this dumb bitch hit a fence and concrete pad. Then as she drunkenly stumbled out of her car, she fell down a 30 foot well.

The dumb bitch was in the well for over 30 minutes before rescue efforts were made. All in all, she suffered a sprained wrist and several bruises. She will also be facing DUI charges.

What a dumb bitch. Read more!

Dude Builds Robot, Fights Crime

Some dude in Atlanta, GA has turned an old BBQ smoker into a magical robot armed with a spotlight, loud speaker, infrared lazer and a super duper water cannon in an effort to defer crime near a local daycare center.


The dude calls his creation Bum-Bot, while locals go for the more homeless friendly name of Robocop.

Bum-Bot Robocop is used nightly to patrol the area near a local daycare where hookers, drug dealers, homeless people, Lindsay Lohan, murderers, kid touchers and accountants gather when the sun goes down.

The daycare happens to also be within a block of the local homeless shelter, which loclas claim leads to a lot of the riff-raff. First off, what a shitty location for a day care. When I need my kids wathced, drug dealer hotspot isn't the first part of the neighborhood I'm going to. Secondly, how does the homeless shelter feel about this? Not happy, that's how.

"He thinks he's attacking only criminals with his super duper water cannon, but what he's not realizing is he's using it on a lot of our innocent patrons," said some uptight bitch from the homeless shelter.

The need for Bum-Bot Robocop came about after the area outside the daycare was corroded every morning with used needles, condoms, crack pipes and leftover drugs. That's when the dude who built this thing decided it was time to take action.

"I don't want the kids every morning playing with used needles, condoms, crack pipes and leftover drugs. Those aren't good toys," said the dude who built this thing.

On a side note, the dude happens to own a bar in the immediate area and has had problems with breakins in the past. But this crime fighting robot has nothing to do with his troubles. It's all for the kids.

"Creating this robot has nothing to do with my troubles," he added. "It's all for the kids."

So, if you're in need of a new daycare, Beacon of Light in downtown Atlanta is always looking for new clients. They're easy to find, located right between a bar, a homeless shelter and the best crack dealer safehaven in town.

Read more!

CDC issues warning to old people

WASHINGTON - The U.S. Center for Disease Control recently released the findings of their 2006 report on old people falling down. It states that one in six Americans over the age of 65 have a 80% chance of seriously injuring themselves when they fall down the stairs.

This outraged many senior citizens who feel this is just a ploy by the CDC to ultimately limit seniors privileges.

Eighty year old Wilma Rogers had this to say, "First they say we fall down too much and next they'll be saying I can't drive! I hate the CDC!"

The CDC was not immediately available for a response but did send this memo later in the week.

"We at the CDC think old folk are crazy and they fall down too much. In an effort to reduce the cost associated with treating old broken bones we are suggesting that once an individual reaches the age of 65 they can't walk anymore. Wheelchairs will also be unacceptable means of moving about. Anyone over the age of 65 will need to just lay down and roll to where ever it is they think they need to be."

This did nothing but piss the fuck out of some oldies.



"If they think I'm about to start rolling around in dog shit, they're out of their minds! I can't remember how to roll anyway."

Others had this to say.

"I'm so fucking old, I can't roll. I'm scared to roll."



The American Health Center estimates that it cost 2.9 zillion dollars annually to glue old people bones together.


Read more!

Drunk Driver's Ed

A Massachusetts man was charged with a DUI while teaching a driver's ed class after blowing a .233, nearly three times the legal limit. The .233 was just short of the current Massachusetts record (.241) for blood alcohol level while teaching high school.



"I could tell he was feeling good," said 16 year old Alyson Langham. "He gets very handsy when he's that drunk, and he was touching me the entire lesson.

Although he wasn't technically driving, since driver's ed teachers have a brake on their side of the car it makes them eligible for getting a DUI.

"He was sipping out of a cough syrup bottle ever since we left the school," 15 year old Kevin Beakman added. "It's cool he's getting the DUI and all, but had we not got pulled over for a few more minutes, he totally would have got the record. You could just tell it was supposed to be a special day." Read more!

Teeage Boy 'Just Says NO' to Cursing

Little Sammy Hendricks, 14, CA somewhere, has had enough of all the cursing and wants to ban cursing all together in his community.

"My parents told me that every time someones curses God takes a little piece of their soul away. They also told me that poison will come out of my pee pee if I touch it before I'm 25."

"We're so proud of our son", Joanne Hendricks says, "He's becoming our little clone just like we always hoped he would."

When asked how his friends reacted to his proposal he had this to say,
"What are friends?"

Little Sammy is planning on a career in politics when he grows up. He would also like to find a cure for pee pee poison. Read more!

For Crying Out Loud!

This is a prank call of mine that was beautifully illustrated by Jimmy.

Phone Call by: Zane
Illustrated by: Jimmy
Put Together by: Zane Read more!

I have some questions

Zane was reading this Chinese restaraunt's menu and had some questions he needed answered.

Read more!

Cat Suvives Twister and Fire

CLINTON, Ark. - Charlie Brown was a happy go lucky baby cat until mother nature came screaming through her world last February. Charlie was picked up by the 70 mph winds and flung over 200 yds to what her owners thought was her death.

"We thought little Charlie Brown was a goner. I stopped putting out her food dish and two days later that little fucker found it's way home."

Just 2 short weeks after the twister Charlie Brown had her next brush with death.

"We was burning trash and I just tossed ol' Charlie right in the fire."

This cruel act was a blessing in disguise for Charlie. The neighbors just happened to be watching.

"I saw them throwing stuff in the fire and that's when I saw the unthinkable. They were burning old Reader's Digest magazines. I couldn't believe what I was seeing. I ran right out and told them to put that fire out immediately."

Charlie survived the fire also but didn't fair so lucky with a bullet. Bill Hookey was there when it happened.

"I was standing there and this guy shows up with a gun and I'm all like 'Shoot that fucking cat' and he's all like 'I ain't got no bullets' and I knew for a fact that he had just bought a box of shells so I'm like 'God Dammit, I'll give you one of my bullets when we get back to the car!' He shot the fuck out of that cat."



Charlie Brown was a brave little cat and she will be missed.

Read more!

There's no lights in the chicken coop!

Jimmy kicked ass on all the pictures for this.

Phone Call by: Zane
Illustrated by: Jimmy
Put Together by: Zane Read more!

Soap Fans Want More Gay

Fans of the long running "As The World Turns" are outraged at a storyline involving two of the show's characters in a gay romance. For once, this isn't homophobic outrage though. It's the opposite of that. Homoloveic? I'm really not sure if there's an anonym for phobia.

Anyways, the outrage isn't that there's a gay relationship on their beloved show, but rather that the gay relationship isn't gay enough. Lonely women throughout America have started letter writing campaigns and online petitions to show their disgust in the fact the two dudes haven't kissed onscreen since September. The september kiss was only their second, the first one being in August, which is believed to be the first time two dudes have kissed on a daytime soap. Believed to be? You'd think there'd be somebody out there keeping better stats than that.

Basically, what this all comes down to, is that next time you're wondering if raving soap fans have anything better to do with their lives, stop wondering. The answer is clearly no.

On the flip side, the Homophobic Alliance National Branch (H.A.N.D.) gives mad props to "As The World Turns" for making the story homophobe friendly.

"It's nice to see them handling this story so gently. They're pleasing us without sacrificing their gay storyline," says H.A.N.D. President Norman Fabulous. "It's excellent to finally have a love story between two young men that we can really get behind."

Producers of the show react to the entire thing by patting themselves on their backs. They remain confident in the fact that their storyline is groundbreaking and would love it if their lonely female viewers would concentrate more on what they are showing, as opposed to what they aren't.

"We're telling an excellent, engaging story," one producer said. "There's really no reason we can't have it both ways, just like our characters."

Read more!

Happy Free Crack Addict Day!!!!

A decision made in December by some federal agency to make retroactive reduced sentences for some crack related convictions could lead to the potential release of up to 20,000 crackheads back into the streets. The first batch of overturned convictions is scheduled to happen as early as today.

I personally say this is an excellent first step to reducing the amount of crack running wild in the streets. The more addicts set free, the more crack that makes it's way off the streets and into crackhouses.

So go hug a crack addict today. In a matter of no time they'll be rejoined by their friends and you won't mean anything to them anymore. At least not until all their friends are sent back to the slammer in a few months. .

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Cabbie Loves Helping, Hates Babies

Earlier this week a New York cab driver was hailed as a hero after dropping a six month old baby at a firehouse after claiming it was left in his cab.

First off, I've never driven a cab before, but I would imagine allowing a customer to 'forget' a baby in the backseat isn't a sign of a very good cabbie. But that's beside the point. Yay for him for taking the baby to the firehouse. Firefighters love babies. It's known fact. Especially when they're adorable.

Turns out there's slightly more to the story though. Here's a summary. The mommy is 14, the daddy is 27. The daddy's sister is 21 and happens to be dating the cab driver, who is 44. To show off some mad math skills, the average male age in these relationships is 35.5 years old, while the average female age clocks in at 17.5. Fantastic. And perfectly normal.

Anyways, the baby daddy and and the baby momma get in a fight and the baby momma runs away. Now, it's never good news when a 14 year old girl runs away from home, but it's somehow worse news when she's not even running away from her parents, but rather her 27 year old boyfriend. The baby daddy can't handle the baby on his own, so he asks his sister to convince her cabbie boyfriend into concocting the ridiculous 'baby left in cab' story. That's what families do, they help each other out.

The baby is now in custody of a foster home. When reached for a comment, the baby's 15 year old boyfriend said, "I'm just glad she's safe. I was so scared for her safety. It was totally affecting my stick ball game."

The cab driver's Chief (it's safe to assume cab stations are ran in the same format as police stations) isn't too angry at his employee's ridiculous actions. "I am looking at a desperate man who was trying to help a desperate family," the Chief said.

As charges file in and arrests are made, it's the baby who gets the last adorable giggle and the most help. All offense intended toward the family, but it's hard to imagine a home that would be worse to grow up with than one with the turds who came up with this master plan.

Read more!