Dirty Underwear

INT. LAUNDRY MAT - DAY

It's a slow day at the Wash'N Pay. FAN FACE is mopping the floor while TRACY is finishing her laundry. The two have never met before.

Fan Face starts mopping down Tracy's isle when he notices something special about Tracy.

FAN FACE
I couldn't help but notice how dirty your underwear are.

TRACY
I know. I've been shitting my pants a lot lately.


FAN FACE
Could I make a suggestion?

TRACY
Please do.

FAN FACE
Don't bring those shitting things in here ever again. You're stinking up the joint.

TRACY
I guess I could have hosed them down or something.

FAN FACE
No kidding. I mean, there's still clumps in the back end of those things.

TRACY
The fronts no picnic either.

FAN FACE
Let me show you something.

He starts riding his mop around like it was motorcycle.

FAN FACE (CONT)
VROOOOM! VROOOOOOM!

Tracy is starting to panic because he's not wearing a helmet. She picks up a washing machine and throws it at his ass. It's a direct hit.

TRACY
I know how to skateboard.

She puts a can of soda on the floor and tries to do a kick flip 360 over it. She can't land the trick and has to call the hospital. NURSE EMPTY GLASS answers the phone.

INT. HOSPITAL - DAY

NURSE EMPTY GLASS
Emergency room. How can I help you? Press two if you've just wiped out on an imaginary skateboard.

Tracy presses two.

NURSE EMPTY GLASS (CONT)
Dear God!

All the alarms go off in the building. Nurse Empty Glass gets on the loud speaker.

NURSE EMPTY GLASS (CONT)
I need a God Damn Doctor! People are dying!

A young med student named COMPUTER SPEAKER just happens to be walking by.

COMPUTER SPEAKER
If it's a number two then you can just go fuck yourself. I'm not ready for that kind of shit!

NURSE EMPTY GLASS
You're all we have!

She slaps the shit out of his face.

NURSE EMPTY GLASS (CONT)
You have to do it!

She stabs him in the stomache.

NURSE EMPTY GLASS (CONT)
I can't live like this!

She fills out some early retirement paperwork.

INT. LAUNDRY MAT - DAY

Fan Face just pulled off a really long wheelie and Tracy has been dead for hours. Fan Face notices that she's still holding her cell phone. Someone is talking on the other end. He picks up the phone.

FAN FACE
Mom?

It's his mom.

FAN FACE'S MOM
Don't you even think about wearing that pour girls underwear on you head.

FAN FACE
But mom! I need a helmet!

Some gangsters bust in the joint and shoot the place up. Fan Face is killed instantly.

Or is he...?
Read more!

Queef and the City

INT. RESTROOM - NIGHT

There's a bunch of guys waiting to use the urinal in this dirty restroom. The place is a wreck. Someone needs to clean this shit hole.

TOOTH MAN and some other GANG MEMBERS are in the restroom selling drugs to little kids. KYLE is a nine year old boy and addicted to Queef. Queef is this new bad ass drug that really fucks you up.


TOOTH MAN
Kyle my boy. I knew you'd come begging for more of this Queef. You know's where the best Queef in town lives don't you?

Kyle
C'mon Tooth Man! If I don't get a little Queef in me I'll die!

TOOTH MAN
Hold on little man. First things first.

KYLE
Please Tooth Man. Anything but that. I'll pay double! I swear!

TOOTH MAN
No way doo doo lips!

KYLE
OK.

Kyle pulls a shower curtain out of his nose and starts singing the blues.

All of the guys who were waiting to use the urinal start break dancing to Kyle's singing. One guy was pretty good at doing the robot.

TOOTH MAN
That's enough!

Tooth Man pulls out an envelope and hands it to a gang member.

TOOTH MAN (Cont)
Take this to City Hall. I want the Mayor to see this.

Gang Member
(crying)
Can I take my clothes off?

KYLE
Queef! Queef! Queeeeeeefff!

TOOTH MAN
Get the kid his Queef and for you Mr. Can I Take My Clothes Off, the answer is I don't know. Can you take your clothes off? How about, May I take my clothes off?

Some girls walk into the room. One has a gun and another has some sort of chemical that she could throw on someone if shit gets out of hand. GOOF NUTS is one of the girls and she has the power to knock shit off walls.

Tooth Man knows this means war and he does a bunch of Queef. Too much Queef. He's so high and he freaks out.

Goof Nuts pulls out a police badge.

GOOF NUTS
You're all under arrest!

KYLE
(he's swimming in some pee)
I can't swim!

Goof Nuts hates crime and she decides it's time to bring the boys downtown for good. She starts throwing make up and bombs at everyone. Some of the bombs explode and half the city is killed.

When the smoke clears Goof Nuts walks slowly from the wreckage.

GOOF NUTS
Maybe crime pays and maybe the good guys are really the bad guys sometimes. It's so hard to tell these days. All I know is that crime and me just had some hot sex and I made it use a rubber!
Read more!

April Fool's Sets Rick Roll'd Record

April Fool's Day sucks. It sucks even moreso when people aren't even creative enough to come up with pranks of their own. That was the case this year as the number of Rick Roll'ds worldwide more than doubled the previous world record of people getting Rick Roll'd in a single day.

For those who aren't familiar with the term Rick Roll'd, it is the practice of thinking you're getting one thing, when in actuality you get a version of the Rick Astley hit song, 'Never Gonna Give You Up.' There is a better definition of the term at the Rick Roll'd wikipedia page. Anyways, Rick Roll'd was the number one prank pulled this year for April Fool's Day.

Not only was it the number one prank pulled, it was the only prank pulled world wide.

"It was fucking whatcky!" said Bozo Poopenstein, prank historian. "There wasn't one single prank pulled worldwide that didn't include Rick Astley. How do you think that makes him feel."

With creativity nonexistent world wide, singing telegrams were sent doing the famous song and work email chains went out in high number all leading to the video. Even world famous site YouTube.com got in on the act by Rick Roll'ing all of it's April 1st visitors.

Some people fear that making such a giant joke of such a great song will make people forget just how kickass the song is.

But how does the Rick involved in Rick Roll's feel about it?

"I love the prank," said 80's music superstar Rick Astley. "I hope nobody ever gives it up, never let it down. Never turn around, and desert it." Read more!

Love and Fire Works

INT. FIRE WORKS STORE - DAY

JUDY and WILL are throwing unlit fire crackers at one another, laughing. Judy is running too fast and she knocks over a case of apple pies. MR. DOORSLAMMER bursts in from the back room and angrily shoots Judy with a 9mm pistol.





JUDY
(crying)
Hello Mr. Doorslammer. Thanks for shooting me.

MR. DOORSLAMMER
You're welcome.

Mr. Doorslammer starts jumping up and down on one leg.

WILL
Mr. Doorslammer please! It wasn't Judy's fault. It was mine.

JUDY
(crawling to the phone)
Oh Will! I'll die unless I get to that phone!

MR. DOORSLAMMER
Not so fast!

Mr. Doorslammer shoots Judy some more.

MR. DOORSLAMMER (cont)
It's your turn Will. I'm going to make you pay for what
you've done to me.

WILL
Please, I'm sure there's another way.

MR. DOORSLAMMER
Well, I guess you could help me get something heavy out of my
garage.

WILL
(pulls out a chainsaw)
The tables have turned haven't they!

MR. DOORSLAMMER
Fuck, that's a nice chainsaw.

WILL
(accidentally throws chainsaw into the lake)
I love you chainsaw!

MR. DOORSLAMMER
You're not so fucking tough without that chainsaw are you?

WILL
Maybe, maybe not. But just where do you think you're
going without this!

Will pulls a car engine out of his back pocket.

MR. DOORSLAMMER
You fool! That car engine will never join you! And the crank
shaft differential rod piston hammer spacer manifold block is
about to fall on your head!

WILL
I'm not falling for that old trick.

There is a loud explosion outside. Police rush in through the front door. CAPT. JOCKSTRAP starts to question the two.

CAPT. JOCKSTRAP
Who's this dead girl?

WILL
(crying)
That's my wife.

Will drops down to Judy's side. She's naked now.

WILL (CONT)
Who took all her cloths off?

CAPT. JOCKSTRAP
(sighs)
You weren't cut out for all this, were ya kid?
Get him out of here!
Read more!

The Apocalypse Is Taking Too Long

Members of a Russian cult who confined themselves to a cave to save themselves from the apocalypse have come out of the cave after growing tired of waiting for the end of the world.

The christian cult made a home in the cave in November of 1999, just in time for Y2K. Being christians, they knew that God does not enjoy caves, so hiding in one would keep them safe from his rapture.

Local authorities originally tried to persuade the group to leave the cave for safety reasons, but then forgot about them after a few months.

The cult consisted of 47 members orginally, including 11 children less than two years old. Thirty-four members made the trek out of the cave back into the real world, claiming the other 13 weren't ready to leave yet. When in reality, it's obvious that they ate them.

The cult's leader, who happens to have a nice 'apartment' in the local psychiatric hospital is glad to hear his followers are safe.

"What? They were still down there?" the cookoo said. "Fuck, I'd completely forgot about them. Man did I have my math wrong on that one."

The second coming of the Lord and imminent end of the world has been rescheduled for June, 23 2011.

Read more!