BOARD ROOM MEETING
A bunch of business executives are sitting around a large conference room table. Everyone is wearing business attire sitting quietly waiting for the BOSS to come in.
The Boss walks in.
BOSS
Alright people we’ve got a lot to cover. Fourth quarter profits are down and customer complaints are up. The only thing that’s staying the same around here are your ugly faces. We need a change. We need to get with the program. We need ideas and we’re going to stay here all night if we have to in order to get some ideas. Is everyone with me on this?
Everyone is nodding their heads looking around the room nodding to each other. This is a very agreeable group.
BOSS
Alright then, who’s going first? C’mon people, out with the ideas. You. Over there. You have ideas.
Boss is referring to one of the execs. He looks around the room. Obviously he has no ideas.
BOSS
What about you? With the glasses.
Exec wearing a pair of glasses has nothing.
BOSS
You, with the stupid haircut. Yeah, you. Little Miss Stupid Cut. What’cha got for the group? Nothing? Ah, to hell with all of you! Why I outta fire each and ever-
One of the more BRAVE execs decides to speak up before they’re all fired.
BRAVE
We could do some actual work instead of sitting around in these pointless meetings all day.
Everyone in the room is a bit nervous. No one has ever spoken up before. Boss is eyeballing him curiously.
BOSS
What’s your name cowboy?
BRAVE
That’s another thing. You’re always calling everyone these stupid nicknames. How about taking the time to learn our names.
BOSS
(considering)
Names…hmmmm
BRAVE
Yeah, like mine is Peter. Not cowboy, not Buck-O, and certainly not Dick Nose.
BOSS
You were certainly cut from a different rug then these dopes were weren’t you Dick Nose, I mean Peter. I like that. What else do you have.
PETER
Well, for one we could actually talk about what it is we do here instead of just how to improve it. I’ve been with the company six weeks and I haven’t the first clue as to what this place even is.
BOSS
(matter of factly)
We’re business people Peter. This is what we do. We’re sitting in a fancy conference room and we’re all wearing business suits. I’m clearly the Boss and you all are lackey executives. What else is there?
PETER
I don’t know. What if we sold something.
One of the other execs is feeling brave now and decides to speak up.
EXEC 1
We could sell sex. Prostitution is the oldest business.
Everyone begins to discuss the idea of selling sex.
BOSS
What do you think of that Peter? We’re going to start selling sex immediately. Who wants a blowjob? Five dollars.
PETER
No, no, no. Not sex. I meant like, computers or books or medical equipment or anything else. Something that helps the world.
Everyone begins discussing this. Another exec has something to say.
EXEC 2
What if we invented a building that people could visit if they’re hurt or sick then we could make them better?
PETER
You mean a hospital. You want us to all become doctors?
EXEC 2
I bet we could turn a hefty profit.
PETER
We’re not doctors. We’re business people...I think. I know I am. I have a Masters Degree in business. I graduated top on my class. I’m not going to go to medical school!
EXEC 3
We could just lie and say we’re doctors.
EXEC 4
And when they’re not looking take their money and run.
PETER
What the fuck?! No, what is the matter with all of you. I was always under the impression that you were all intelligent people. I thought you were just meek not morons. Don’t any of you know anything about business?
EXEC 3
I know business has the word bus in it. We could be a bus driving business.
PETER
You want us to be bus drivers?
EXEC 1
Yeah! And our slogan could be, “We put the Bus in Business.”
PETER
That doesn’t even make sense. The b-u-s in business is pronounced completely different than the word bus.
BOSS
My grandpappy was a bus driver.
EXEC 2
I used to ride a bus to school.
PETER
Enough with the fucking busses! This city already has a perfectly good transportation system, we aren’t going to be a bus company. Now think, what is something people really need.
BOSS
Air?
EXEC 5
Oh, yeah. We could sell air!
EXEC 2
Yeah, if people wanna breathe, they’ll have to come pay us. We’ll be the only game in town. Just like a cable company!
BOSS
(to Exec 2)
Brilliant! You’re hired!
PETER
Okay, first of all, he already works here. He’s an executive for fuck’s sake. And secondly, you can’t sell air.
EXEC 3
That’s what people used to say about cell phones during World War II, and now everyone has one.
PETER
Cell phones didn’t exist during World War II!
BOSS
This is wonderful! I really feel like we might actually get something accomplished today, thanks to Peter. Now, I’m going to go take a shit and I want you all to keep the conversation going. Peter, I’m putting you in charge.
Boss leaves the room and Peter walks to the head of the table. When he turns around the execs faces don’t quite look the same. They look pissed.
PETER
(noticing the change in demeanor)
Uh, alright everyone. Let’s…
EXEC 1
(interrupting)
Just what the fuck do you think you’re doing?
EXEC 2
Yeah, College Boy. We got a good thing going here and we don’t need you fucking it up.
PETER
I don’t understand.
EXEC 3
Who’s the moron now, huh?
EXEC 1
That old man is crazy as a loon and all we have to do is sit in here with our thumbs up our butts and listen to him bitch and we all get paid. And paid well.
EXEC 2
So start playing ball or we’ll have your ass sent down to the mail room.
EXEC 3
And we’ll have your kids murdered.
EXEC 1
Whoa! Take it easy man. We’re not going to kill his kids.
EXEC 3
(sincerly)
I’m really sorry about that. I thought we were doing a tough guy thing there and I guess I got carried away. I’m really sorry.
Boss comes back into the board room.
BOSS
Yippee, that was a good one. Not too hard, not too soft. Two wipes and done, just the way I like it. Peter what’s wrong my friend. You look like you’ve seen a ghost.
Peter is still standing in front of everyone. He hasn’t had time to process everything yet. He looks over at Exec 1 who gives him a wink and a nod.
PETER
Well sir, we were talking about…
Peter looks over at the Exec again. He’s not sure what he’s suppose to do. The Exec starts mimicking playing a fiddle. Peter is confused.
PETER
(cont)
...selling fiddles. Yeah that’s it. We want to sell honkey tonk fiddles!
All the Execs are pissed. They’re shaking their head “NO!”. Peter is even more confused.
PETER
(cont)
No! Not honkey tonk fiddles, we’re going to sell …
One of the Execs does a little dance thingie with his hands. He’s trying to tell Peter something but he has no clue.
PETER
(cont)
… directing traffic?
All the Execs are pissed and slap their forehead.
PETER
(exploding)
I DON’T KNOW WHAT THE FUCK YOU MEAN!!!
The Boss is shocked by this outburst. He hasn’t seen anything the Execs were doing.
BOSS
Peter, what’s gotten into you?
EXEC 1
(imitating the intercom)
“Sir, your mother is holding on line one”
BOSS
My mother? She’s been dead for 10 years. I better take this one in my office. Excuse me.
Boss leaves the room again.
PETER
What the fuck are you guys doing to me!?
EXEC 1
“Song and Dance” you idiot. Give him the old song and dance. Song (fiddle) and Dance (hand gesture thing they were doing before)
PETER
You’ve got to be kidding me! How was I suppose to get that?
Boss walks back in.
BOSS
She hung up. So what were you saying earlier about this Honking Tank Thimble, Peter? Please tell me more.
All the Execs are doing the “song and dance” for Peter. He gets it this time.
PETER
You know, I was thinking. What do we need to sell stuff for anyway? I mean, we’re business folk right?
The Execs are all smiling and nodding and giving Peter the thumbs up.
PETER
(cont)
We go to meetings and we wear fancy suits and we make that mother fuckin’ money. Am I right?
Boss seems concerned. Peter has flip-flopped on this so quickly.
BOSS
But what about all your ideas with selling stuff? I thought we were on to something.
PETER
No, no, no. Let the common man sell stuff. We’re important people. We’re better than everyone else. We’re rich and they’re not. We’re good and they’re pieces of shit. We’re…
The Execs are giving Peter the “slow it down a little bit parter” look. Peter may have went a bit too far.
PETER
(cont)
...What I mean is; if it ain’t broke don’t fix it.
BOSS
Do you truly mean this Peter?
Peter considers the question. He looks at the Execs and Boss notices he’s looking at the Execs too.
BOSS
(cont)
Why do you keep looking at them? What’s going on here Peter? Have they put you up to this?
Peter’s in a bind. On one hand he wants to be a real business man and sell things that make the world a better place, on the other hand he likes the money he’s making just sitting on his ass with the other execs. He doesn’t know what to do. The execs are all looking like “well, c’mon Peter. Tell him you just want to sit on your ass” but in his heart he knows he just can’t do it.
PETER
Sir, I have to be honest with you. These people are charlatans! They have been using you and your senility for their own benefit. They willingly and knowingly sat on their asses and offered nothing to this company, collecting their fat paychecks, in hopes that one day a Peter Smith doesn’t come along and pull the rug out from under them! Well that day has come you bastards. Peter Smith is here and I will NOT stand by and let you pull my strings one second longer!
Peter is standing there out of breath. That was quite a speech he just made. The Execs are speechless. They’re not sure yet whether they’re fucked or if they can talk their way out of this.
BOSS
(to the Execs)
Is this true?
EXEC 1
(stammering)
Well...uh, not...I mean, well..
EXEC 2
Peter, why would you say such a thing?
PETER
I swear it’s all true. They wanted me to give you the old “song and dance”.
BOSS
They wanted me to eat your underwear?
PETER
No. What? What the hell does “song and dance” mean to you?
EXEC 3
It doesn’t matter Peter. You’ve said enough.
BOSS
That’s right Peter. You have said enough. Before we continue, I just need to know one thing. Do you truly believe in making the world a better place? Should business folk try and help the world instead of just fucking them out of their money and manipulating them into believing they must own a bunch of shit they don’t really need?
PETER
Yes sir, with all my heart.
Peter is standing there, proud as fuck. His dreams of making a difference in the world just might come true after all.
BOSS
Alright, in that case; you’re fired. We don’t need your kind in the business world. Good-bye.
PETER
What!?
BOSS
That’s right. This has all been an elaborate hoax to see what kind of person you really are. I had high hopes for you Peter. You really let us down.
Peter looks over at the other Execs who all are looking at him disappointedly. Peter, with his head down, slowly walks out of the room-but just before he makes it through the doorway he stops. He has one final thing to say to these bastards.
PETER
You haven’t heard the last from Peter Smith! I’m going to start my own company. And I’m going to help people! Do you hear me! I’m going to-
One of the Execs shoots Peter dead.
BOSS
(relieved)
Thank you.
(into the intercom)
Suze, we need a clean-up in the board room. And could you also send in a new Exec. Thanks.
END
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