The Barbershop

THE BARBERSHOP

BILL, 35, is standing outside of the barbershop with his son BILLY, 6. This is one of those small old time looking barber shops with the pole in front. Inside two old men, TERRY and ELROD, who are both in their 70’s are sitting. They’re the type of old men who just hang out in the barbershop. The barber is also an old man, KIDD.

BILL

Son, today is going to be a special day, you know why?

BILLY

Because it’s Christmas?

BILL

No, it’s June for fucks sake. Christmas is in December. No, today is going to be special because today you get to go to the barbershop. No more getting haircuts from mommy. This is where men go to get thier hair cut.

Billy glances inside though the window.

BILLY

I don’t want to. I’m scared.

BILL

There’s nothing to be scared of. You see that gentleman right there? That’s Kidd. He cut my hair when I was your age. And now it’s your turn. Whatdaya say pal?

BILLY

Okay. I feel safe with you Dad. 

BILL

That’s my boy. Now c’mon inside.

Before they enter a MAN walks out of the barber shop with his SON who is roughly the same age as Billy. The kid gives Billy the stink eye.

SON

What are you looking at pussy?

MAN

Son, take it easy. (to Bill) Sorry about that.

Bill gives him a nod as if to say “no problem”.

Bill and his son walk inside. Kidd is “cutting” someone’s hair while the other old men continue their conversations. No one pays Bill and his son any attention.

KIDD

I said hold still! When I say hold still, you hold still!

Kidd begins stabbing his customer with the scissors. Billy screams bloody murder. Kidd stops stabbing and pauses for a beat before him and the other old men burst out laughing. The “customer” Kidd was stabbing was an old scarecrow. This was obviously an elaborate prank set up by Kidd.

BILL

I remember you pulling that same shit on me when I was a boy.

KIDD

Yeah, and it scared the shit right out of you just like I see it did your boy there.

We see Billy still standing there in shock. He’s terrified.

TERRY

What’s his name?

BILL

Oh hey Terry, good to see you. His name is Billy. Say hi to everyone Billy.

Billy is still frozen with fear.

ELROD

What’s the matter with him?

BILL

Nothings the matter with him Elrod. Good to see you too by the way. Kidd just got him good, that’s all.

KIDD

(to Billy)

What’s the matter, boy? You act like you never seen a scarecrow get stabbed by a barber with scissors before.

BILLY

No, sir, I haven’t.

KIDD

Well, son, when I’m through with you, you’ll have witnessed all kinds of horrors you’d never imagined. Ain’t that right, Bill?

BILL

Oh, yeah. I seen some shit thanks to you, old man.

KIDD

Old man?! You tryin’ to fuck my in the ass or what, Bill? You see that, Billy, your daddy is tryin’ to fuck ol’ Kidd in the ass!

BILLY

Dad, can we go home? Please?

BILL

No, son, not till we get your hair cut. It’s getting so long, you’re starting to look like a girl.

ELROD

Hey, Kidd, give the boy some pretty pigtails, will ya!

TERRY

(laughing)

Yeah! Put some little pink bows in those pigtails, and I’ll go get that child size pink dress I have out of my trunk. Little Billy here will be the belle of the ball! How would you like that, Billy?

BILLY

No, sir, I wouldn’t like that at all.

KIDD

Alright, princess, have a seat. Let’s get that Rapunzel hair of yours cut.

ELROD

Hey, Rapunzel, let down your hair so I can climb up and rescue you!

Everyone, except Billy, enjoy a good laugh.

BILLY

I don’t like what’s happening here.

BILL

Quiet, son. This is what men do at the barbershop. Now get in that seat if you know what’s good for ya.

Billy climbs into the barber chair and Kidd puts the cloth around him-a little too tight.

BILLY

(choking)

It’s...too...tight…

KIDD

What’s that? Tighter?

Billy continues to struggle and the men all get another good laugh out of watching the boy almost strangle to death. Kidd eventually loosens the strap.

KIDD

(cont)

Alright, alright down to business. How much of his nose should I cut off.

Kidd says this real menacing like, getting real in Billy face and holding the scissors like a mad-man. Billy begins to struggle. He want’s out of this chair-NOW!.

KIDD

(cont)

We got ourselves a fighter boys. Give me a hand will ya.

Terry, Elrod, and Bill all grab a piece of Billy and restrain him.

BILL

Won’t do you any good to fight son. We all have to do it. It’s part of being a man.

BILLY

I don’t want to me a man then! I don’t want to be a man!

KIDD

Elrod, go get “The Hat”. It’s time we teach little Billy here what being a man is all about.

Elrod gets a big smile on his face and lets go of Billy and walks into the back room.

BILL

The Hat! Kidd, do you really think that’s necessary? I mean, c’mon, The Hat? He’s just a boy for Gods sake!

Elrod emerges from the back room and he’s carrying a hellish looking torture device. It’s about the size of watermelon and fits over Elrod’s arm up to his elbow. It’s got blades and needles and syringes filled with green liquid and cork screws and all other sorts of sharp dangerous looking attachments. Elrods squeezes a trigger and everyone of the attachments begin spinning. He’s walking slowly toward Billy who, when he finally get’s a look at the thing, screams and then faints.

FADE TO BLACK

FADE IN

We see Billy sitting in the barber chair with a perfect haircut. No harm has come to him whatsoever. Kidd is brushing him off while Bill stands there chatting with Kidd. Terry and Elrod are sitting there like nothing has happened. Billy comes to.

BILLY

(groggy)

What...Where...am I?

KIDD

You just got your first man haircut. And you did just fine.

Billy suddenly remembers what was going on and starts to struggle again.

BILL

Calm down son. It’s all over. See, that wasn’t so bad was it.

Kidd turns the chair towards the mirror and Billy gets a look at his new haircut. He likes it. And he’s starting to calm down.

BILLY

So does this mean I’m a man now?

The men all exchange glances.

BILL

Not quite yet son. First, you have to fight Terry.

We see Terry glaring at Billy and pounding his fist. He’s ready to rumble.

BILLY

WHAT!?

KIDD

Yep.

Kidd shoves Billy out of the chair and Billy lands flat on his face. Terry wastes no time. He’s on him like stink on shit. Terry is bigger and stronger and easily takes the upper hand, but then Billy get’s pissed and bites the shit out of Terry’s arm, ripping a huge chunk off. Terry screams and let’s go of Billy who tries to run out the door but Elrod blocking it and he’s holding a gun! Billy turns back to the fight and Terry is on his feet coming at him. Billy grabs the gun from Elrod, turns and shoots Terry right in the face! Terry’s head explodes.

All the men cheer.

Billy is standing there, covered in blood, trying to catch his breath. Bill comes over and puts his arm around him.

BILL

(with a tear in his eye)

Now you’re a man.

Kidd gives Billy a wink and a nod, Elrod too, and Terry’s body, still lying headless on the floor, slowly raises his arm and gives Billy a thumbs up.

Everything immediately turns from “movie ending slow motion” to normal.

KIDD

That’ll be $9.50.

BILL

Okay.

After he finishes paying he walks out the door with his son. As they’re exciting another man is walking in with his son. Billy grabs the boy by the throat.

BILLY

You wanna start something mother fucker!

END

And here is the rest of it.