CONVENIENCE STORE
RICK, 35, is stuck working another midnight shift at the local Pump-N-Chug. He’s bored to tears. Nothing interesting ever happens here.
We see Rick sitting behind the register staring off into space. He glances down at the scratch off lottery tickets and picks one up and holds it to the light as if he could see through it to see if it were a winner. Of course he cannot and slumps back in his chair still holding the end roll of tickets. Rick looks around the store to make sure it’s empty then barely scratches a little tiny bit of the ticket with his thumb nail. He realizes he shouldn’t be fucking with the lottery tickets and puts them down just as DAN, 48, walks into the store startling Rick. Rick is nervous as fuck. He’s not sure if the guy saw him fucking with the tickets or not.
RICK
(nervously)
Welcome to the Chug-N-Dump...I mean Dump and Slump...Plug-N-Muffin…
DAN
Everything alright back there?
RICK
Yeah, Oh yeah. Fuck yeah. Couldn’t be better. Unless I had some pussy to fuck, hahaha…
Dan is looking at Rick disapprovingly.
RICK
(cont)
I mean, yes.
DAN
Alright. I need $20 on pump 2.
RICK
A $20 ticket for two. You got it. Did you want any tampering with that scratch off?
DAN
What?
RICK
I’m sorry. It’s late. $20 on pump two. Is that all?
DAN
No, you can also let me make a bunch of long distance phone calls on that phone over there.
Dan points to a pay phone hanging on the wall.
DAN
(cont)
I saw you messing with the lottery ticket there.
RICK
Ah man! You did?
DAN
Hell yes I did. Now I want to make a bunch of long distance phone calls or I’m calling the state lottery commissioner.
RICK
Look, take it easy. I don’t want any trouble. You can make your long distance phone calls-Hey, wait a minute! How are you going to call the lottery commissioner if you don’t have a phone?
DAN
I have a phone. I just can’t dial long distance.
RICK
Oh, alright then. You can-Hey, what if the state lottery commissioner’s number is long distance. How were you going to call them then?
DAN
I know a guy locally that I could call and then have him call the commissioner’s number and then have the commissioner call me back.
RICK
Fuck. Seems like you got it all figured out don’t you.
DAN
Damn right. They don’t call me Dan “The Liar” for nothing.
RICK
Well, the phone is-Hold on, Dan “The Liar”? What gives?
DAN
It’s just a nickname they gave me when I was in the NAVY. I was a Ship Pilot during the second Korean War.
RICK
Whoa! I didn’t even know that ships had pilots.
DAN
Sure they do. What’d you think, they fly themselves? Moron. Alright, about my phone calls.
RICK
Oh that, I suppose if there isn’t any way I can talk you out of it. Those phone calls will come out of my paycheck.
DAN
Sure but it’s a tax write off. You just write it off at the end of the year.
RICK
I’m not allowed to write anything else off of my taxes. Last year the IRS got all pissed off at me because I wrote off a bunch of my Mom’s kitchen clothes.
DAN
Yikes! You don’t want be on the IRS’s bad side, that’s for sure. Here’s what I’m gonna do for ya. You seem like a nice enough guy. Why don’t you go ahead and scratch off that lottery ticket and we’ll split the winnings? Whadaya say?
RICK
I’m not suppose to scratch the tickets while on the clock.
DAN
Well, give it to me. I’ll scratch the damn thing.
While Rick is considering this Dan helps himself to a handful of candy bars.
RICK
It’s a deal!
Rick tears off the ticket he had tampered with and hands it to Dan who places it on the counter and begins to scratch it off.
DAN
I got an apple!
RICK
Oh yeah baby!
DAN
I got another apple!
RICK
C’mon, C’mon, C’mon be there apple.
DAN
My hearts beating so fast...this is too much...light headed…
Dan falls over dead.
RICK
Shit.
Rick hops behind the counter to check Dan’s pulse. Sure enough he is dead. Another customer, TOM, enters. Panicking, Rick knocks over a potato chip display on top of Dan. It’s a very half-assed attempt to cover up the dead body as most of it is still visible.
RICK
Welcome to Pufnstuf...I mean double stuff...I mean…
TOM
Everything all right?
RICK
Oh yeah. Everyone’s alive and couldn’t be better.
TOM
Alright then. I’d like fifty bucks on pump three.
RICK
Uh, alright. Fifty on three. Let’s just see here….
Rick desperately pokes at buttons on the cash register. Tom watches suspiciously.
TOM
Am I good to go?
RICK
Uh, yep. That’ll be fifty dollars please.
TOM
Ha! I got you, you fucker! I was watching you from my car outside. I know the guy under those potato chips had a heart attack and you caused it!
RICK
Oh man. Please, don’t call the cops. I’ll do anything you want, anything!
TOM
Anything, huh?
(looks at Rick’s wedding ring)
I see you’re a married man. Got a picture of the misses?
RICK
Uh, yeah sure.
Rick pulls out his wallet and shows Tom a picture of his wife
TOM
Oh, nice. I’ll tell ya what, I won’t call the cops if you let me nail your wife.
RICK
Oh, gee, I dunno.
TOM
Okay…
Tom pulls out his cellphone.
RICK
No! Look, I’d let you bang my wife, but she’ll never go for it.
TOM
Look, you and I are about the same age, roughly the same build. How about you let me sneak in in the middle of the night. You get out of bed, and I’ll slip into bed and so my thing, she’ll never know the difference.
RICK
Well, she is a heavy sleeper, especially when she’s had a few, and I don’t want to go to prison. I guess I have no choice.
TOM
Wise decision, my friend.
INT. RICKS BEDROOM-NIGHT
It’s the middle of the night. Rick sneaks Tom into the bedroom. Rick exits as Tom slips into bed and starts gettin’ it on with Rick’s wife. Rick’s 14 year old daughter, ANN, walks in and catches Tom humping her unconscious mother. Ann recognises Tom.
ANN
(to Tom)
Mr. Miller?
TOM
Oh, fuck.
ANN
Oh my god, my mom is having an affair with my principal?!
TOM
Shh! No, you don’t understand.
ANN
Oh no? Well maybe your wife and the school board will understand a little better.
TOM
No, please! I’ll do anything you want!
ANN
Anything, eh?
TOM
Yes anything…
Tom notices “a look” Ann has in her eye. She’s thinking of something terrible and Tom knows what she’s thinking too.
TOM
(cont)
(pleading)
No, not that. Anything but that.
Ann just nods her head in a “oh yeah, it got you now motherfucker” way.
CUT TO: GYMNASIUM STILL NIGHT
Tom is in the middle of the basketball court. He’s wearing a undersized cheerleading outfit and has make-up caked on all over his face. He’s begin performing a shitty cheerleading routine.
We PAN OVER to the bleachers and see Ann sitting in the front row and she’s dressed in an ill-fitted men’s suit. She has a fake mustache on and she’s smoking a cigar. She’s leaned forward in a “oh yeah, you’re gonna give daddy what he likes” sort of way.
As the “cheerleading” routine continues JAKE, Ann’s boyfriend, burst in from the side door wear the exact same outfit as TOM.
JAKE
(crying)
Ann, no! How could you!
Jake runs out of the building.
ANN
Jake!
Ann runs after Jake leaving Tom all by himself. He stops his routine and just stands there looking around and notices the janitor MR PORTER is standing there holding a mop and bucket.
MR PORTER
Please keep dancing.
TOM
Or what? You gonna blackmail me too?
MR PORTER
Blackmail? Oh no, I’m much too old to be blackmailing folk. I just thought a little company while I mopped the floor would be nice.
Tom starts dancing again and MR PORTER takes off his overalls and reveals he has a cowboy outfit on underneath. He starts “riding” his mop around the gym like it’s a horse while Tom continues to dance.
PAN TO underneath the bleachers. We see a GUY under there who’s had the gym under surveillance this whole time. It looks just like the inside of one of those surveillance vans you’re always seeing in movies where cops are surveilling someplace. There’s a microphone with the satellite dish thing on the from to pick up far off noises, there’s several TV screens, there’s candy wrappers littering the floor. Who ever this guy is, hes been there awhile. He puts his finger in his ear and begins whispering to someone (obviously some sort of two-way radio)
GUY
Boss, are you getting this. Boss, Boss come in! This is great stuff. Come in! The eagle has landed! I repeat..
CUT BACK TO the convenience store. Dan is still lying under the potato chips and we can hear Guy’s voice faintly. It’s obvious that Dan is the Boss that Guy is talking to.
We PAN UP and see Rick just sitting behind the counter looking bored as he was when this thing first began. We hear ...the eagle has landed!” clearly from Dan as GRANT, Rick’s store manager walks in. He’s in a bit of a shock. The stores a mess and there’s clearly a dead body on the floor. Grant looks around the store then back at Rick.
GRANT
You’ve been fucking with the lottery tickets again haven’t you?
THE END
And here is the rest of it.
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