Mall Santa 101

INT. Classroom-Day

It’s the first day of class at Mall Santa Training Academy. A classroom full of potential Santas sit at their desks waiting for their instructor, MR. KRINKLE.

Mr. Krinkle enters.

MR. KRINKLE

Alright, settle down people. This is Mall Santa 101, and I am your instructor, Mr. Krinkle. I know, I know, my last name sounds like Kringle. Ha, ha, it’s hilarious, I’ve heard it before, so let’s just move on, shall we?

The class sits in silence.

MR. KRINKLE

(cont)

Well, look at all of you. So eager and full of hope. Perhaps some of you are looking to make some extra cash for the holidays. Maybe some of you wish to bring joy to children's’ imaginations. Some of you are probably just fat and old and need a job where you can sit on your lard asses all day. Or, perhaps, some of you are just perverts who like having kids sit on your laps. Well, whatever your reason, it’s my job to make you chubby slobs into mall Santas, and so help me God, I’m gonna turn you sorry losers into the best damn mall Santas you can be.

The door knob starts to rattle. Someone is trying to get in but is obviously having a hard time opening the door. It’s FRANK HUGGINS, 45, he finally gets the door open and almost falls through.

FRANK

Whew! That door is a doosey! How you all doing? Sorry I’m late. Had some gum stuck in my hair. I take it you guys have already finished with the introductions?

Frank walks up to one of the guys sitting in the first row and starts shaking his hand.

FRANK

(cont)

Frank Huggins here, nice to meet cha’. I’m just a big ol’ kid and I looove Christmas. Have you ever wondered why so many…

MR. KRINKLE

(sarcastically)

Uh, excuse me for interrupting there Frank but would you mind taking a seat.

FRANK

Sorry about that. It’s just that I’m sooo darn excited to finally get to be Santa Claus. I got to be the Easter Bunny once but I had diarrhea and with all the hopping and skipping and being stuck in that hot suit...I just couldn’t do it. I crapped buckets in that suit.

MR. KRINKLE

Lovely, just lovely. Make sure and tell some of the parents that story while their pride and joy is sitting on your lap, would you? Could you do that for me?

FRANK

(confused but gets the idea. it’s time to find a seat)

Doesn’t seem like an appropriate story to me.

MR. KRINKLE

(to himself)

Jesus Fucking Christ.

(to class)

Alright, does anyone else have any stories about shitting all over themselves before we continue.

(holds for a beat)

No? No one? That’s great. Let’s get started. First thing we will learn are the RULES OF BEING SANTA. Rule number one: Always stay in character. Even if a child rips off your beard, or says you molested him. Rule number two: Don’t molest the kids. This really should probably be rule number one, but anywho. Rule number three: If a kid shits or pisses on you, just go with it. It’s all part of the job. Okay, any questions?

Frank hand enthusiastically shoots up in the air.

FRANK

Is this gonna be on the final exam?

MR. KRINKLE

There is no final exam. Your final exam is getting through the end of December without getting fired or taking your own life.

Having received that grim answer, Frank slowly lowers his hand.

MR. KRINKLE

(cont)

Anyone else? No? Okay then, let’s move on. The next Rule we need to tackle is what I like to refer to as “The Santa Fever Rule”. Believe it or not there will be women out there who will want to sleep with you simply because you’re wearing a Santa suit.

Franks hand shoots up in the air again.

FRANK

(he’s saying this as more of a statement than question)

But we ain't suppose to do it are we?

MR. KRINKLE

Not you Frank. Everyone else in here, please do me a favor and fuck the living dogshit out of every piece of pussy that comes your way, but not you Frank. And do you know why Frank? Huh, do you?

Frank just shakes his head “no”.

MR. KRINKLE

(cont)

Because the thought of one of your fucked up little swimmers making all the way to an egg scares the living shit out of me. Just the idea of another one of you walking around someday, on the same planet as my beautiful children haunts me to my core. Hell, I’m thinking of reaching into your pants and just pulling your dick off right now and saving myself the nightmares. Whatdaya think about that Frank?

FRANK

(confused as hell)

You mean, like a baby?

MR. KRINKLE

(laughs)

Yes goddammit! Like a baby. Like making a baby to be precise. You do know how babies are made don’t you Frank?

FRANK

(blushing and embarrassed)

Yesssssss. With... boobs.

MR. KRINKLE

Did you just say “with boobs”? Fuck it, you’re almost there. I’ll accept your answer Frank. Congratulations, I’ll let you continue on in this course.

FRANK

(happy again)

YES!

MR. KRINKLE

(shakes head in disbelief)

You know, there was a time when being a mall Santa meant something. When a mother and father brought their child to get his picture taken on Santa’s lap, it was a magical holiday memory. Nowadays, mall Santas are thought of as “creepy”, or “pervs”, or “creepy pervs”.

CUT TO: Frank frantically writing down every word Krinkle says into his notebook.

MR. KRINKLE

Frank! That’s not gonna be on a damn test!

(sighs as he composes himself)

Look, Frank, I appreciate your apparent dedication to this, I really do. I mean, most of the others aren’t even paying attention. A couple of them are asleep, and I’m pretty sure one guy in the back is masturbating.

CUT TO: A middle aged guy in the back corner of the classroom with his hand down his pants.

MR. KRINKLE

Alright, let’s just move on. How about we try a couple of runthrough lap-sittings. Who wants to go first, I ask already knowing the answer...

Franks hand shoots up in the air

MR. KRINKLE

(immediately cont)

...yep. There it is. Alright Frank. Get your big ass up here and let’s see what you got.

FRANK

(as he’s bouncing to the front of the classroom)

I won’t let you down Mr. Krinkle. I promise on a pickle I won’t let you down.

Mr. Krinkle let’s Frank’s moronic “promise on pickle” remark go with a slight shake of his head.

MR. KRINKLE

Just relax and get your ass in that chair. You’re Santa and I’m going to be the kid. We’re going to start out easy and work our way up to the problem children.

FRANK

(interrupting)

Oh, there are no problem children Mr. Krinkle. Nuh-uh, not even one. My mommy always said that babies are the sparkle in God’s eye and all are special and beautiful and it’s not till the sex demon comes along to turn people into Satan loving milk drinkers that evil sinks into their brain. Through their weiners of course.

MR. KRINKLE

That’s explains a lot Frank. It really does. But I’m going to tell you something that your mommy didn’t. Children can be little motherfuckers! Little cock-sucking motherfuckers who are too goddamn stupid to even realize what it is they’re doing. They’ll ruin your life if they think there’s goddamn lolli pop in it for them and they won’t even blink a fucking eye!

Frank is shocked by Mr. Krinkles rant. Mr. Krinkle realizes he might have went a little too far.

MR. KRINKLE

(cont)

Or they’re God’s sparkly eyes or whatever the fuck it was your mommy told you. I don’t know. Just sit the fuck down would you Santa.

FRANK

Wow, no ones ever called me Santa before.

MR. KRINKLE

Have you ever been Santa before?

FRANK

No, never.

MR. KRINKLE

Then why the fuck would anyone…?! Forget it. Just sit the fuck down. Now let’s go over the routine. You’re sitting there, the “elf” will walk the little kid over to you and help them on your lap. Okay? Now what are you going to say to this kid?

FRANK

Hello, little boy. Santa needs to know your address and what time you go to bed so he can come down your chimney

MR. KRINKLE

Good God no! Jolly, not creepy. Now let’s try it again. Elf brings kid to you, and you say--

FRANK

(breaks down and starts crying)

I don’t know! I don’t know how to not be creepy! It’s all I know. Everytime I try to approach a woman or a child all I receive are .looks of fear sometimes accompanied by mase.

MR. KRINKLE

Good Lord, look at you man. Why are you even here?

FRANK

Because I’ve got nowhere else to go! Please, Mr. Krinkle, help me!

MR. KRINKLE

Alright, son. I’ll help you. But you have to do exactly what I say, no questions asked. Can you promise me that?

FRANK

Yes, anything!

MR. KRINKLE

Alright then, let’s begin.

We cut away to a training montage. The montage is brief but it’s clear that not only have Frank and Mr. Krinkle accomplished quite a bit but they’ve also become closer. Friends might be still a bit of a stretch but Mr. Krinkle doesn’t cringe at the sight of him anymore.

Some scenes for the montage might include:

1) Frank and Krinkle practicing “lap sittings”. Frank has a dummy child sitting on his lap while Mr. Krinkle barks orders. It’s not going well at first (as in all montages). 

We see Frank crying, 

We see Mr. Krinkle run up to him grab the baby and shake it in his face (he’s saying “This mother fucker will be your death! Is that what you want Frank!” ((we don’t hear him say that because it’s a montage)), 

We see Frank sitting there with the dummy child and he’s doing pretty well until Mr. Krinkle comes saundering in wearing a sexy “mom” outfit. He’s trying to distract Frank to which he succeeds. Frank stands up dumping the child onto the floor and Mr. Krinkle immediately breaks out of hot mom character and chastises Frank,

We see Mr. Krinkle handing Frank a toddler who has obviously shit all over himself. Frank smiles excitedly-He’s shit all over himself too! He and the toddler have something in common! Mr. Krinkle smacks his forehead, 

We see Mr. Krinkle trying to get Frank to break character. Frank is doing his lap sittings and Mr. Krinkle walks by with some pizza and offers Frank a slice, Franks happily accepts to which Mr. Krinkle angrily knocks the slice out of his hand letting Frank know “Santa doesn’t eat pizza!”. Frank nods in a “This shit is hard but I’m going to do it by God” way. 

In one of the middle or end parts of this montage we see Mr. Krinkle bringing Frank a child and it appears that Frank has a boner! Mr. Krinkle jerks the kid back and is about to rip into Frank until Frank reaches into his pants and pulls out a candy cane. He was just fucking with Mr. Krinkle.

2) Frank and Mr. Krinkle doing some one-on-one classroom activities (it’s not in the same classroom they were in before. this is a makeshift classroom set up in the boiler room). 

We see Frank sitting alone and Mr. Krinkle in front of the board with the words “Ho, Ho, Ho” written on in. Mr. Krinkle is pointing to each word and having Frank repeat it back like it’s some complicated saying. 

We also see Mr. Krinkle doing the same thing except with the names of the reindeer on the board. At one point Mr. Krinkle has a couple of the names missing with only a line in their place. Frank is supposed to fill in the blank. He writes “Maud” and “Dr. Flashbang”. Mr. Krinkle angrily crosses them out.

3) We see Frank practicing “posing” for pictures. 

We see Mr. Krinkle acting as photographer and Frank sitting with the dummies. All the pictures start out terrible and get progressively better. They’re ridiculously bad in the beginning. Frank is making stupid faces, Frank isn’t looking at the camera, Frank is drinking from a two-liter bottle of Sprite, Frank has his beard pulled down or up too far covering his entire face, Frank is upside down for some reason, Frank is holding the child like a football and is doing the “Heisman” pose, Frank is wearing an old West style outfit like the ones you get your picture taken with at amusement parks and the dummy child is dressed up too.

The montage ends. All of above scenes resolve themselves and at the end of the montage we see Frank execute a perfect lap sitting (even ignoring “sexy mom” and the pizza slice), he correctly fills in the name’s of the reindeer, when Mr. Krinkle brings him the child with shit all over him he smiles politely and smartly covers his lap with plastic, and the final shot is of the perfect picture with Santa.

DISSOLVE TO: Mr. Krinkle and Frank walking back into their original classroom. They’re both smiling and talking like two friends. After walking in they soon realize that all the other Santas in training are still sitting there. They all look close to death, thinner, and with long stubble. They’ve never left the classroom since the beginning. It’s been at least two weeks.

MR. KRINKLE

What the hell are you guys still doing here?

TRAINEE 1

(weakly)

You never said “dismissed”.

MR. KRINKLE

This room has been locked tight. What were you doing? What did you eat?

 (suddenly realizing the gravity of the situation)

Where did you use the bathroom?

Another one of the trainees points to off camera. We pan over to see one of the other trainees with a couple of fresh bites taken out of him and huge pile of human feces in the corner. Frank and Mr. Krinkle both gag.

MR. KRINKLE

(cont)

(still gagging)

Class dismissed.

The other trainees slowly get up and file out of the room. The one guy who was masterbateing in the back is still back there masterbating.

MR. KRINKLE

(cont)

You too! Go on, shoo!

Mr. Krinkle and Frank are finally alone in the class room. Mr. Krinkle is proud of his new friend and Frank has a new sense of confidence.

MR. KRINKLE

Frank, I’m proud of you buddy. You did it.

FRANK

I couldn’t have done it without you Mr. Krinkle.

MR. KRINKLE

Here, I want to show you something.

Mr. Krinkle reaches into the desk and pulls out an old beat up Santa hat. He’s looking at it like someone looks at old pictures of happier days.

MR. KRINKLE

(still looking at the hat)

This hat belong to my great-grandfather. He wore this on Christmas day 1917 while fighting in WWI. He was only 16 years old.

FRANK

Wowwee, Mr. Krinkle. But I can’t accept that. It means too much to you.

MR. KRINKLE

Accept it? I’m not giving it to you, you idiot. I’m just showing it to you.

FRANK

If it means so much to you, why do you keep it in that unlocked desk drawer?

MR. KRINKLE

I’m gonna be honest with you, Frank. This isn’t just a classroom, it’s where I live. You see, training mall Santas doesn’t pay shit, and it’s only a job for a couple weeks a year. Seeing as I have no other marketable skills, I’m forced to live here. I used to tell myself it couldn’t get any worse. Of course, now that the room is filled with piles of shit and partially eaten people.

FRANK

You know what I think sir? Your life isn’t so bad, it’s just lonely. What you really need, if I may be so bold, is a friend. And , sir, I’d like to be that friend, if you’ll have me.

MR. KRINKLE

Frank, when I first met you, I was pretty sure you were severely retarded.

FRANK

I get that a lot, sir.

MR. KRINKLE

But now I see, you may just be the best damn mall Santa around. I’ll let you in on a little secret, I wasn't just teaching the class to train mall Santas, I was also looking for someone to replace me. Frank, I’d like that someone to be you.

FRANK

Sir, it would be my great honor.

MR. KRINKLE

Well then, my work here is done.

Krinkle pulls out a revolver and blows his brains out. Frank looks around his new classroom/home at the piles of shit, the chewed up bodies, and the fresh corpse of his mentor.

FRANK

(to camera)

Merry Christmas, everyone!

THE END