EXT NED’S FRONT LAWN-DAY
NED is walking with KIM up the path towards his front door.
NED
That book I was telling you about is right inside. I’ll run in and get it. I’d invite you in but the place is a wreck. I wouldn’t want you to be uncomfortable.
KIM
Don’t worry about it. You should see my place. It’s a complete disaster area.
NED
Oh, all right. Come on in.
He is about to open the door then stops.
NED
(cont)
There is one thing I think I should mention. I do have a roommate and he can be a bit rude sometimes. Please don’t take offense. He’s just a bit unbalanced.
KIM
Alright.
NED
Yeah, I’d avoid starting any conversations with him.
KIM
We’re just getting the book aren’t we?
NED
Oh yeah. In and out. It’ll just be a second.
KIM
Sure.
NED
He’s got this thing about Eastern Europe, it’s weird. So try and avoid talking about that too much.
KIM
Eastern Europe? What sort of thing does he have about Eastern Europe?
NED
Oh no. I knew I shouldn’t have brought it up. You’re going to ask him about it now aren’t you?
KIM
No. It’s just strange that’s all.
NED
I know, super strange. He’s such a weird guy.
Ned starts to open the door again then stops.
NED
(cont)
I should also warn you that we have cats.
KIM
I love cats.
NED
We have about a hundred of them.
KIM
A hundred cats? In there?
NED
Yeah, and some of them are quite large.
KIM
Wow, that’s...interesting.
NED
We also have some strange pictures hanging up on the wall. I just wanted to warn you before you see them so you don’t freak out.
KIM
I’m starting to think you don’t want me to borrow that book.
NED
No,no, it’s nothing like that. I just don’t want you to freak out is all.
KIM
Well, I don’t freak out that easily. So I don’t think it’ll be a problem.
NED
Good, that’s good. If my Dad calls don’t pick up the phone.
KIM
What?
NED
My Dad, if he calls don’t pick up the phone. If you do forget and accidentally pick up the phone just don’t lie to him about anything. He hates liars.
KIM
I can assure you, I have no intention of picking up your phone or lying to your father.
NED
Okay. Oh, also, a murder once took place in my house.
KIM
Uh, okay. That doesn’t bother me.
NED
It was earlier this afternoon.
KIM
I should go.
NED
No, please! Look, I really like you. I guess that’s why I’m trying so hard to not freak you out.
KIM
I like you too, Ned. Just relax a little. Let’s just get that book and we’ll call it a night.
NED
Okay, come on in.
THEY ENTER THE HOUSE. WE SEE NED’S ROOMMATE, HAL, SITTING IN A ROCKING CHAIR
NED
Hi, Hal.
HAL
Who’s the skirt?
NED
Hal, this is Kim.
KIM
How do you do?
HAL
She’s not Eastern European is she?
NED
No, Hal.
KIM
I’m from the upper West side.
NED AND KIM CONTINUE ON INTO THE STUDY
KIM
So um, Ned didn’t commit that murder you alluded to earlier, did he?
NED
He’s a person of interest.
KIM LOOKS AT THE WALL AND SEES A LARGE PAINTING OF AN OLD MAN WEARING A DIAPER AND NOTHING ELSE.
NED
(cont)
Here’s that book I was telling you about. You’re not getting freaked out are you. I like to paint pictures of old men wearing diapers.
KIM
It’s... lovely. I thought you said you have cats.
NED
Shit. Don’t move.
KIM
What is it?
NED
They’re hunting us.
KIM
The cats?
NED
No, the pictures of old men wearing diapers.
KIM
Huh?
NED
Yes, of course the cats you idiot.
KIM
I’m leaving. You can keep your book.
THE PHONE RINGS
NED
(whispering)
Don’t move.
HAL
(yelling from the other room)
Ned, it’s your Dad. Do you want me to tell him you’re not here?
NED
NO!
HAL
(still yelling from the other room)
Okay. Oh, and don’t worry about the cats. I stuffed them all in the dryer when the cops were here.
NED
(relaxing)
Oh man, that’s a relief.
KIM
I’m still leaving.
NED
What? Why? At least take the book.
KIM
Well, I have been wanting to read it.
NED
Yeah, see? And you know the library doesn’t have it. I had this one special ordered.
KIM
Alright.
NED
And I’ll only charge you one hundred dollars a day.
KIM
Nope, you’re done.
KIM WALKS OUT OF THE ROOM. NED IS CLOSE BEHIND. SHE GETS TO THE FRONT DOOR AND THROWS IT OPEN. NED’S DAD IS STANDING THERE.
DAD
I knew it! Hal, you lied to me!
HAL
Mr. Nelson no! I didn’t mean it!
DAD
You’re gonna get it now. The BEAR is coming for you!
NED’S DAD PUTS HIS ARMS IN THE AIR AND DOES A TERRIBLE IMPRESSION OF A BEAR. HE’S SNARLING AND GROWLING AND STARTS SLOWLY “BEAR WALKING” TOWARD HAL WHO TAKES OFF RUNNING.
DAD
(getting right in Kim’s face)
That’s what happens when people lie to me.
NED
Dad stop it! I’ve already warned her.
DAD
Is that right? What else has Ned told you?
KIM
Nothing, I’m just here to borrow a book. That’s all!
DAD
A book? What book?
KIM HANDS DAD THE BOOK.
DAD
(cont)
I can’t believe it.
NED
I was going to charge her a hundred dollars a day!
DAD
I can’t believe you’d do this to your father.
KIM WALKS OFF
NED
Please Dad! Not the bear!
WE SEE DAD START DOING HIS BEAR ROUTINE AGAIN. THEN WE SEE KIM WHO’S WALKED DOWN THE STREET ABOUT A BLOCK. SHE WALKS UP TO A CAR. THERE’S A GUY SITTING IN THE DRIVERS SEAT.
GUY
Did you get the book?
KIM
No, they’ve got a bear protecting it.
GUY
FUCK!
KIM GETS IN THE CAR AND THEY DRIVE OFF.
END
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