Zane
Is that true? Legendary disc jockey and all-around great guy Casey Kasem is the love child of those two pervs from the Crying Game? It just goes to show you, you can't judge a book by it's cover or even the words written inside it. You can't judge it by the publisher or the movie that was made based off of it. You certainly can't judge it by the lack of pictures or the violent crimes committed by the author. You can't judge it by the song I'm currently writing in my head "Can't Judge This" which of course is a parody of "U Must Trust Miss" which was written and performed by the lovely Miss Tuesday the gender bending sensation that's sweeping the nation. Holy shit, we've come full circle. Miss Tuesday is the love child of Casey Kasem and that chick who's really a dude from the Crying Game!
Jimmy
Some people accuse me of being Miss Tuesday because they never see me and her in the same place at the same time. But when I turn it around on them and say I've never seen them and Miss Tuesday together, they get all defensive and pour soup on my head. Jokes on them though, cause I really am Miss Tuesday (and hey, free soup!)
Zane
I always wondered why you smelled like soup and don't think for a second that I bought your bologna excuse about you using a new soup shampoo. Soup shampoo just doesn't work. It never has and it never will. The shampoo molecule is composed of a long non-polar hydrocarbon chain which give it the properties to mix with and also "trap" oils leaving your hair silky and smooth. Soup just cannot do this. The soup molecule is composed almost entirely of the tomato element which is loosely bonded to the noodle, or in some rare circumstances a cracker molecule. This combination, although tasty, just doesn't cut the mustard for cleaning hair effectively.
Jimmy
Fire doesn't clean hair very well either. "Why would you try to clean your hair with fire?" you might ask. What are you writing my biography or something?
Zane
Yeah but I'm not going to get very far if you keep that attitude up Mr. Man. How the heck am I going to write a decent bio on you if I can't include all the dirty little details that make you so interesting. He cleans his hair with fire, he has a pet raccoon, he eats his body weight in chocolate every 24 hours, he's the oldest living member of the Jackson 5, you know, shit like that. C'mon man, you gotta give me something!
Jimmy
I apologize for my outburst. I just get so crazy around the holidays. Although this is nothing to the way I am around Columbus Day. You wanna see a real bitch, catch me on that holiday.
Zane
I'd hate to see that. I've heard stories about you on Columbus Day and they weren't pretty if you know what I mean. Do you? Know what I mean? Jeez, I'll explain it. The stories I heard painted you in an unfavorable light, they where unbecoming of your character, they didn't bode well with the masses. In other words, before the stories were told someone might have said something like, "Jimmy? He's a swell guy." And after that same person heard just one of these terrible stories that person would have jumped off a tall building while screaming and tearing his hair off the top of this head. All of this makes me want to ask you a question. What is it about Columbus Day that turns you into such a monster? I'll understand if you don't feel like sharing.
Jimmy
My problem is the ridiculous manner in which this goofball Columbus dresses. If I remember my history correctly, in 1992 Columbus sailed the ocean blue. I don't know about you, but in 1992 I was wearing overalls backwards with one strap undone, I wasn't dressed like some dumbass. This jokester Columbus dresses like he stepped out of Shakespeare times, "discovers" America, and they give the guy his own damn holiday! I'm sorry but that just bursts my bowels.
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