Shit Talkin' - What Women Want

This was another episode of Shit Talkin' that Jimmy and Dave did. It may have been the second one, but we can't remember what order they went up in.

In this one, Jimmy lays out his flawless plan to start picking up women. Read more!

Fuck You Du Jour - Mar 9

Today's Fuck You Of The Day: Jennelle from MTV's Teen Mom 2. You're a stupid, fuck up cunt. Your life is shit because you make it that way. Everything bad that happens to you is brought on by your own complete stupidity. You're a fucking waste. Go fuck yourself!! Read more!

Commercially Successful: The Zero Bar

Thirteen years ago, Zane looked at me as I ate a Zero bar and said, 'You know why they call it Zero? Because that's how many people other than you like them.' Very clever, Zane, but here we are thirteen years later and the Zero bar is still kicking it strong.

Now, plenty of candy bars have survived for a long time. But you know what makes the Zero bar so different and special? When was the last time you saw a commercial for Zero?

Exactly. They rely on amazing taste and an excellent brand to keep people coming back.

You taking notes Snickers? Why is it every time I turn on the TV, I have to see your commercials? Insecure much? Don't believe enough in your product enough that you feel the need to advertise it? Fucking losers.

More companies could take notes from Zero. Make an amazing product, and save the money on advertising. Great taste will do it for you.

Kudos to you, Zero bar. You're a trendsetter. You're the hip, hidden, underground club that only cool people go to of the candy bar world. Read more!

Based On A True Story: Secret Bathroom

Setting: A small drug store.

Scene: Dave is stuck shopping with his girlfriend and really has to pee.

DAVE

Are you almost done? I'm about to piss my pants here.

DAVE'S GIRLFRIEND

No. Go find a bathroom or something.

DAVE

I'm pretty sure they don't have a restroom here.

DAVE wanders off. He sees a creepy looking double swinging door. He looks around, sees no employees, and sees no employees only sign, so he goes through the door. He sees a door marked 'restroom'. His face lights up and he enters. There is a urinal and a stall, wasting no time, DAVE goes to the urinal and lets out a giant moan as he begins to pee.

DAVE

Oh my god! That's amazing.

Suddenly, a VOICE comes out of nowhere.

VOICE

Who's there?

DAVE

(startled, then realizing the voice is coming from the stall next to him) I'm just peeing.

VOICE

This is an employees only restroom.

DAVE

I'm sorry, man. I was about to piss my pants.

VOICE

Oh. I've been there, man.

DAVE

(awkwardly) Yeah.

The two continue to go about their business in silence. DAVE finishes peeing and exits.

Read more!

Fuck You Du Jour - Mar 8

Today's Fuck You Of The Day: Cadbury Eggs. You're fucking gross. Go fuck yourself!! Read more!

International Womens Day

Today marks the 45th annual international womens day. A special day for all to rejoice in the magical splender that is women. Unfortunately many do not know the history of how this day came about.

This wonderous holiday was originally called the Candice Unibaker National Treasure day or C.U.N.T. day. The name was changed a few years later.

Candice Unibaker was a just like any other typical women with big'ol titties. She enjoyed sitting around the campfire playing with her vagina and making fart sounds with her armpits. Turns out she was a little too good and making fart sounds and that's when the world outlawed that sort of shit. This all happend about 200 years ago.

Fast forward to about 45 years ago and present day womens day is an internationally recognized holiday. Women from as many as one million countries gather to burn down houses and murder livestock. It was rumored that in Bolivia a bunch of chicks put thier underwear on their heads. That rumor was later confirmed.

International Womens Day has a rich history full of glory. It is a day to remember the sacrifice and hardship women have had to endure over the past several decades. One time these old ladies from Mexico started slamming thier crotches together so hard one fell off. That one's probably not true but we need to remeber shit like that.

Read more!

Message To David

When Zane thought Dave had only a few weeks to live, he recorded all his feelings into a video. When he realized Dave was going to live a long time, he edited it down.

This is that video. Read more!

Bad News

This was thrown together a few years back. Check out Zane's awesome green screen work and Dave's amazing artistic interpretation of a doctor's office.

This is what really happens when somebody gets bad news. Read more!