Two Friends Talking About Favorite Commandments w/Jimmy and Zane

Jimmy
There's a commandment about neighbors. I'm not sure which one it is or what it says , but its probably about mowing dog shit.

Zane
Holy Bible Thumper! Take it easy with all the preachy preaching there Your Bishopness. Our Forefathers didn't fight all them Chinese just so you can go and push that commandment crud down my throat.

By the way, its the 7th commandment and it says "Thy wouldnst eatish thyne wateryness o' thee neighbor, fore thee hadsn't done the nastyness with someone who covets and neighbors are good"

It's my favorite commandment written by Shakespeare.

Jimmy
Shakespeare is my second favorite biblical character. My first is Jughead.

Zane
Mine are
5) Shirley
4) Shakespeare
3) Lil' Jesus
2) Centurion #9
1) Goddammit

Jimmy
If you could have one Jesus power, what would it be? I'd pick x ray vision.

Zane
Without a doubt, mine would be "the three wise men". That means I can turn into a baby and three old guys show up out of nowhere and give me crap.

Jimmy
Ooh that's a good one. Turning into a baby sure would make shitting one's pants a whole lot less awkward.

Zane
Yep, and I'm guessing at least one of them old dudes will show up with a six-pack or two. That's usually what I give babies.



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Two Friends Talking About Pizza and Dicks Being Ripped Off w/Jimmy and Zane

Zane
I intentionally waited several hours before sending this message because I wanted to teach you a lesson. You shouldn't have been dressing in them sexy clothes and leading them aliens on. From now on do like my great grandmother taught me and just stand there with your dick hanging out and act like a desperate whore. You'll get the same thing with less hassle.

Jimmy
I've tried that but every time I do, I get kicked out of the high school. And don't give me the old "well what were you doing in the high school in the first place" cause I've heard it a million times.

Zane
Well let's make it a million and one then because What in the fuck were you doing in that high school in the first fucking place?! Don't you know that high schools are dangerous? They're filled with horny female teachers who are desperately trying to get young boys to go to bed with them. And if I'm not mistaken, high schools also have a dangerous person called a "principle". That's a guy who walks around and yells at kids for skateboarding in the hallways. Scary stuff. Stay out of high schools!

Jimmy
Yeah but high school lunchrooms are the only place I can find that will serve pizza and corn in the same meal. Surely you must realize my dilemma.

Zane
Or you could just come to Korea where they put corn right on the pizza. No shit. The first time I saw corn on my pizza I was all like "whaaaat?!" but now it's just like "Eh, what ever". I go with the flow like that. It's sort of like the first time I saw one of the new U.S. quarters. While everyone else was freaking out like the world was going to end, I just sat back and chillingly collected my wits and bought me a soda.

Jimmy
One time I put quarters on my pizza and corn in the soda machine. Boy was that a crazy Columbus Day!

Zane
We all have crazy Columbus Day stories Jimmy. I once woke up the day after Columbus Day and thought that it still was Columbus Day! Man I cant tell you the look on my neighbors face when I greeted him with a big and friendly "Happy Columbus Day!" I really thought he was going to pass out. He just ripped his dick off though instead.

Jimmy
I hope he at least offered his dick to you. If not, that's not very neighborly.

Zane
Nope. He just ripped it off and threw it at a tree. That's alright though. I still have his lawnmower and I plan on mowing over a huge pile of dog shit that's just been sitting on my couch for the past week or so. Take that Neighboreeno!

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