How do idiots avoid drug tests?

PASCO, Wash. - They have a friend shoot them of course. At least that's what Richard Dodangle, 38, did last week.



With a face like this, I'd want to be shot too.

Mr. Dodangle had been working his job for only 4 months when they popped the piss test on him.

"I loved my job and I knew I hadn't a chance of passing that test. There's more meth floating around in me then breasts on a Dolly Parton dog impersonator."

When confronted with a difficult situation such as this, some people might call in sick, say someone in their family passed, or maybe that they glued their ass checks to a penguin and the penguin took off on some god damn march and it's dragging you along and there's nothing you can do about it and you'll be back in six months. Some people might, but those some people would not be Dick Dodangle.

"Just the thought of failing that drug test and having to face my friends and co-workers was unbearable. The embarrassment would kill me. That's why my best friend and I put on some women's cloths and sucked some cock for a bunch of meth."

This was when the idea smacked him in the ass like a dirty red head feeding a reindeer.

"I thought that if I was mugged and shot while jogging then that would keep me out of work for a few weeks and I'd just stop doing drugs and go back to work clean and pass the shit out of a piss test."

So Mr. Dodangle went to the park and started jogging. He jogged and jogged but no gun totting muggers in sight. He actually got in great shape, qualified for the Olympics, and received several lucrative shoe endorsement deals.

"I just couldn't get mugged and shot so I just asked my pal to do it. He did it too."

The two were arrested immediately afterwards.

Mr. Dodangle is currently spending time in county jail for conspiracy to discharge a firearm into someone other than a murderer. His pal is also behind bars for the unrelated charge of aggravated masturbation. Read more!

Thai Karaoke Party Leaves More Than Eardrums Dead

Some crazy dude in Thailand killed his brother-in-law and seven others after tiring of their karaoke renditions of John Denver's 'Take Me Home, Country Roads.'

Fifty-two year old Weenus Chumkamnerd became enraged from hearing the victims sing awfully during karaoke, leading him to put a gun to the back of the head of the party's host and pull the trigger.

He then proceeded to turn the gun on seven other guests and fire away. One of the victims accidentally ended up being his brother-in-law, Boontip Desaro. After realizing he had killed his brother-in-law, he started to slightly regret his actions. Chumkamnerd had his son take Boontip to the hospital, only to be proclaimed dead on arrival.

"When I began shooting nobody pleaded for his life because they were all drunk," Chumkamnerd calmly said after being tracked down by police.

One party-goer was able to survive the rampage by pretending to be dead.

"I warned these people about their noisy karaoke parties. I said if they carried on I would go down and shoot them. I had told them if I couldn’t talk sense into them I would come back and finish them off," Chumkamnerd added, fairly reasonably.

'Take Me Home, Country Roads' is an extremely popular song in south east Asia for some reason, and a favorite of this group of friends. They were known to sing it over and over again.

"I'm just glad I died before I had to read about one of my songs leading to such tragedy," John Denver said in a statement. Read more!

Fish With Dicks

Pharmaceuticals humans take to remain healthy are leaking into a Las Vegas lake and really fucking up some fish.

The lake has become contaminated with remnants of pain killers, antibiotics and mood stabilizers, among other things. The contamination has resulted in some female fish growing male genitals, as well as some dude fish developing female genitals.

Other than turning a lot of fish into hermies, it's also decreased the sperm count of other fish and lowered their sex drive. Now, how can you blame the contamination for the lowering of sex drives? That could just as easily be contributed to the fact that all the chick fish have cocks now. Of course the dude sex drives would go down.

Oh, it should probably also be mentioned that this lake is one of Nevada's largest sources for drinking water.


This is pretty much completely unrelated, but here are the first few paragraphs from the CNN.com article on the subject:

"On this brisk, glittering morning, a flat-bottomed boat glides across the massive reservoir that provides Las Vegas its drinking water. An ominous rumble growls beneath the craft as its two long, electrified claws extend into the depths.

Moments later, dozens of stunned fish float to the surface.

Federal scientists scoop them up and transfer them into 50-quart Coleman ice chests for transport to a makeshift lab on the dusty lakeshore.

Within the hour, the researchers will club the seven-pound common carps to death, draw their blood, snip out their gonads and pack them in aluminum foil and dry ice."

First off, it was nice to see some intern to take a break from writing their earth-changing novel to write an opening paragraph.

Secondly, so we should be overly concerned with some chick fish growing some wangs and completely overlook the brutal electrocuting and beating to death of the fish? Some of the stuff we humans do in the name of science is mind boggling.

Thirdly, gonads is a funny word. It's fun to pretend you're at a high school football game as the North Central Nads play their cross town rivals, and in a dramatic come from behind victory you find yourself yelling over and over again "GO NADS, GO!!"

In closing, when medicine says "For External Use Only," that doesn't mean pour it in a lake. Read more!

Japan To Get Harder Over Child Porn

The United Nations Children's Fund (UNICEF, somehow) is publicly criticizing Japan for their lackadaisical laws concerning child pornography.

UNICEF fears that Japan's laws are putting children worldwide in danger.

Japan added new child porn laws in 1999, then stiffened them up in 2004. Lawmakers are currently working to firm it up even more.

Here's how much sense the law in Japan makes: It is illegal to produce or distribute kiddie porn, but not illegal to possess it.

The law also doesn't prevent child porn from making it's way into computer games, animated cartoons and comic books. This opens the way for Saturday morning cartoons such as Narurto Kamikaze Fuckdoll Ichiro (Watch Baby Sally Get Gangbanged) to consistently gain top 5 tv ratings for their time spot.

With the weak law allowing Japanese citizens to own kiddie porn, it leads to a lot of the content being avaliable online.

"I think their laws are awesome!" said the 44 year old virgin who lives in his mother's basement. Read more!

'Timmy' from 'Lassie' authors tell all book

New autobiography written by child actor 'Timmy', no one cares about his real name, reveals all the behind the scenes dirt, drug abuse, and promiscuous sex he experienced as a child actor.

"Timmy was what they now refer to as a 'child star'. We didn't say that back in the 40s. We called them 'child laborer'," says Gary Milkem who directed several episodes of Lassie, "or we just called them 'Fuck Brains'."

In the book Timmy paints a very dark picture of his time spent in front of the camera and explains why he chose to leave Hollywood.

"I spent 7 years as a chew toy for that damn collie. Lassie was nothing more than a mean spirited, angry, over sexed version of John Mellencamp."

Drug use was very prevalent on the set as well. Timmy tells a story of the time he and Lassie spent a week in Vancouver hopped up on meth.

"Lassie just couldn't put the pipe down. It was meth, meth, meth, meth, and more meth with that dog. I've never seen a dog smoke that much ice. I've never seen any dog but Lassie do drugs."

The book isn't going unnoticed by the Special People Eradicating Ridicule, Masturbating, Hepatitis AND Slip'n slides better known as S.P.E.R.M.H.AND.S.

"We at S.P.E.R.M.H.AND.S think this book is a big stupid turd. If it were a camel and I was stuck in the middle of Egypt without any other form of transportation, I would ride the camel but I wouldn't punch it in the face like Conan did in Barbarian."



Read more!

Small Town Rhymes With Asshole

Residents of a small Massachusetts town are getting all anal over the fact that their home reminds people of assholes.

The town of Athol, Massachusetts has a population of roughly 11,500 assholes, all of which had a stick up their ath over an ad ran by Comcast Sports making a mockery of their home's name.

"It's not funny," said angered citizen Harold Asswad. "It's not even pronounced like that other word. People just assume certain words are pronounced one way, when they're pronounced a completely different way."

The ad ran by Comcast Sports simply said "We can pronounce Worcester...without sounding like an Athol."

"It's insulting," Mayor Richard D. Ickwad proclaimed. "We're sick and tired of being the butt of so many jokes."

Comcast has pulled the ad and sworn never to run it again after an angry letter from the whiny town.

"Whatever. If they wanna be athols about it, let them be athols," Comcast President Skip Skipman said. "I don't need this shit."

The most upsetting fact to residents is that the correct pronunciation doesn't even rhyme with asshole. Saying it correctly would cause it to rhyme with asshawl. Close enough.

Another insult to the name that residents suggest is adding an 'r' at the beginning and an 'e' at the end to create 'rathole.' They also say they're perfectly fine with Pussyvile, Stickupourbuttville or Wecan'ttakeajokeopolis.

"I didn't mind the ad," said local housewife Susan Applebottom. "I'd rather have an ad like that than have the town invaded by rapists. Then I'd get upset." Read more!

Magical Baby Can Read!!

Elizabeth Barrett is just like any other 17 month old toddler in the universe, except for one minor detail: she has super powers.

This magical little girl showed off her powers on national television this week as she proved to the world she can read.

It was on the Today show Monday morning that she read word after word off of flash cards. Some words as difficult as 'kangaroo,' and even some phrases. One of which being 'Good Morning, Ann,' a phrase even today show anchor Ann Curry struggles with at times.

These powers didn't develop overnight. The child's mother, who has a blackhole where her heart should be, says young Elizabeth read her first word at just 13 months. And if that wasn't creepy enough for you, she also signed it at the same time.

The superhuman's parents are both speech pathologists, which is the key factor to her lack of a childhood to look forward to. They've been teaching her sign and spoken language since she first popped out of her mother's cooch. They also only allow her to watch one show on television, a show which teaches sign language to children. The show also happens to be the superchild's favorite.


The baby's reading doesn't stop at words, it also extends to cursive.

"That baby's awesome!!!' said some random eight year old kid standing by a window.

How are people older than eight reacting to this phenomenon?

"I think she has extremely well-developed visual perception and visual memory," some smart bitch said. "I think that her parents have done a great job depriving her of any toddler-like fun and giving her a lot of multisensory input, so she sees things, she’s talking about them, she is signing and she is using all of those skills together."

The amazement isn't limited to just eight year olds and smart bitches though.

"My world has been shattered today," says lonely 22 year old Michael Kinsman. "I've been waiting for a sign. Ever since my first meeting with the late Master Koochoo, I've been waiting for a sign from his reincarnated soul. He's finally back! Master Koochoo is back! I need to go put on my Nikes and get the cult back together."

The world is in agreement. This baby is super.

"THE END IS EXTREMELY NIGH!!!!!!" Kinsman added with an insane look in his eyes.

The parents added in closing that their next goals for baby Master Koochoo is to read Tolstoy's 'War and Peace' by her third birthday and to never get laid as long as she lives. Read more!

Old Lady Goes Crazy, Punches Cop

An 80 year old Florida woman went crazier than usual after a traffic stop on Saturday.


After being pulled over for an improper lane change, 80 year old Thalia Logas refused to sign her citation and felt it was a better idea to repeatedly punch the cop in the stomach and chest.

The police officer, who also happens to be a pussy, had to call for backup to restrain the crazy old lady. It wasn't until another officer arrived that they were able to get her into handcuffs and place her in the back of the squad car. While in the back of the car though, she used her wrinkly old frail wrists to wiggle out of the handcuffs and throw them out the window, hitting an innocent duck passing by.

"We had to make sure we were careful," said one of the officers. "She's old, and old people are easy to break. We didn't want to do that. The paperwork for broken old people is ridiculous."

The crazy old lady, who dyes her hair, was released on bond and instantly praised by the local chapter of Old People Who Hate Cops (OPWHC).

When asked by family what caused her actions, Logas summed it up perfectly.

"I'm old!," she said. "Where's my pancakes!" Read more!