Magical Baby Can Read!!

Elizabeth Barrett is just like any other 17 month old toddler in the universe, except for one minor detail: she has super powers.

This magical little girl showed off her powers on national television this week as she proved to the world she can read.

It was on the Today show Monday morning that she read word after word off of flash cards. Some words as difficult as 'kangaroo,' and even some phrases. One of which being 'Good Morning, Ann,' a phrase even today show anchor Ann Curry struggles with at times.

These powers didn't develop overnight. The child's mother, who has a blackhole where her heart should be, says young Elizabeth read her first word at just 13 months. And if that wasn't creepy enough for you, she also signed it at the same time.

The superhuman's parents are both speech pathologists, which is the key factor to her lack of a childhood to look forward to. They've been teaching her sign and spoken language since she first popped out of her mother's cooch. They also only allow her to watch one show on television, a show which teaches sign language to children. The show also happens to be the superchild's favorite.


The baby's reading doesn't stop at words, it also extends to cursive.

"That baby's awesome!!!' said some random eight year old kid standing by a window.

How are people older than eight reacting to this phenomenon?

"I think she has extremely well-developed visual perception and visual memory," some smart bitch said. "I think that her parents have done a great job depriving her of any toddler-like fun and giving her a lot of multisensory input, so she sees things, she’s talking about them, she is signing and she is using all of those skills together."

The amazement isn't limited to just eight year olds and smart bitches though.

"My world has been shattered today," says lonely 22 year old Michael Kinsman. "I've been waiting for a sign. Ever since my first meeting with the late Master Koochoo, I've been waiting for a sign from his reincarnated soul. He's finally back! Master Koochoo is back! I need to go put on my Nikes and get the cult back together."

The world is in agreement. This baby is super.

"THE END IS EXTREMELY NIGH!!!!!!" Kinsman added with an insane look in his eyes.

The parents added in closing that their next goals for baby Master Koochoo is to read Tolstoy's 'War and Peace' by her third birthday and to never get laid as long as she lives.