Two Friends Talking About Murder and Sharing Prescription Medication and Hot Lawyer/Client Sex w/Dave and Zane

Zane
Hey David. Sorry I haven't been able to sit down and chat with you lately. It's been really busy around here. For one, the cops have been chasing me and my family. I think it's a case of mistaken identity but who the hell can tell nowadays. All I know is, they're chasing and I'm running and I'll be damned if any little kid or pregnant women gets in my way because I'll fucking kill them. Yep, life's cheap when you're on the run from the law and that's the way I like it.

So, how's everything with you?

Dave
not bad. just been committing crimes and framing other people for them. the usual.

Zane
That's good to hear. I hope you haven't killed anyone. Haha, just kidding. You know I don't give a fuck about murder.

Dave
no murders for me. at least none that would hold up in court.

Zane
I've always said, "If anyone knows if a murder will hold up in court, it's David E. Biscella". Then someone always asks if I'm talking about David Ebert Biscella and I'm all like, "Nope, not even close motherfucker".

Dave
we're closer than you think. he just moved in a few houses down.

Zane
Old Stinky E!? No shit, that's great. You guys can share lawnmowers and give each other left over prescription medications. Just don't let him convince you that his cousin is a powerful D.C. attorney because that's not the case. His cousin is a dope head that couldn't lawyer her way out of a paper sac. I should know. I had to serve 18 months for some bullshit because of her. I went to the court house one day to apply for a home owners building permit and next thing I know this chick was representing me in front of the judge. Bullshit is what it is.

Dave
yeah. i never believed she was a lawyer, but played along with them and ended up having some hot lawyer/client sex. so i can mark that off my bucket list.



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Two Friends Talking About Pamphlets and Platecakes and Shoving Frozen Hot Dogs w/Jimmy and Zane

Jimmy
I love pamphlets. Not quite a book, not quite a magazine, yet full of useful and valuable information. Let's have a toast to pamphlets.

Zane
Huzzah for pamphlets! How have we known each other this long and not shared our adoration for pamphlets? This calls for a celebration! I'll start decorating the tri-fold birch tree and you bake an informational pie. Should we exchange gifts before or after the ceremonial lighting of the four-sided wire twirly pamphlet holder thingie?

Jimmy
In my family it was always the tradition to light the thingie first, then exchange gifts, then sacrifice the virgin.

Zane
Whoa! Sacrifice the virgin!? I don't remember that being part of the festivities. Maybe smack her around a little bit, poke her in the eye, and pull her hair super hard, but sacrifice? I don't think I can get on board with that. Unless there's cake afterwards. Then alright.

Jimmy
Well, there's cupcakes. They're basically tiny cakes in a cup. But don't for a second think that you can drink them just because they are in cups. That's what they want you to think.

Zane
What sort of sick bastard to you figure invented cupcakes anyway? "Hello, I'm a big stupid idiot and I cannot control how much cake I eat so instead of making a regular sized cake I'm going to make a bunch of small cakes and put them in cups and hope my grandchildren try and drink them and choke to death." What a jerk.

Jimmy
It was probably some fucking foreigner. And since you're in Korea, when I say foreigner, I mean American. (It was me.)

Zane
Hmmm...I'm trying to understand your logic on who is and who isn't a foreigner. You're calling yourself a foreigner because you're speaking to me while I live in foreign country and I'm a foreigner to you simply because I live in Korea even thought I'm still an American citizen which means your the one who invented cupcakes? Yep, that checks out.

Jimmy
Hell I dunno. I don't read what I type, I just bang away at the keyboard. To be honest , I don't even know what cupcakes are. Sounds like mumbo jumbo to me.

Zane
Whoo-weee, that's a relief. I was trying to sound smart because I don't know what the fuck cupcakes are either. What about platecakes? Ever had one of those?

Jimmy
No. Well kind of. I'm know to occasionally eat plates with icing on them. Had to make a lot of trips to the ER as a result, but I have no interest in changing my ways because some quack doctor says I should.

Zane
Normally I wouldn't, but in this case I'm going to have to agree with your doctor. Plates with icing on them, or platecakes, are nothing but bad news. If your dead set on eating something dangerous try snacking on a few frozen hot dogs. They'll brake your teeth just the same and if you get tired of that you can shove a couple up your butt.

Jimmy
My only concern is that once shoved up my ass, they'd no longer stay frozen.

Zane
Pardon my French but, duh no shit. It's a science fact that nothing can stay frozen once crammed up and into the ass place cavity. Oh, they've tried. Lord knows they tried. Ice cream, frozen pizza, glaciers, but nothing could withstand the immense heat that is the inside of a butt.



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Two Friends Talking About The Homeless Gazebo Medication w/Jimmy and Zane

Zane
Hmmm...you can't afford your gazebo medication anymore? I didn't even know your gazebo was sick. This won't do at all.

Jimmy
If I were a homeless, I'd find a nice gazebo to sleep in. Cause even though I was homeless, it would make me feel kinda fancy.

Zane
You've obviously never been homeless. They don't let homeless people sleep in gazebos. The only options are 1) cardboard box 2) park bench using newspaper as a blanket and 3) gazebo.

Jimmy
Am ashamed to admit it but it's true, I've never been homeless. Please don't tell my wife.

Zane
I promised you on your wedding day that I'd never tell your wife that you've never been homeless and that promise stands to this day. I also promised you I'd never break into your doctor office and scribble curse words all over your medical records in crayon. That promise, I'm ashamed to admit, I broke about twenty years ago.

Jimmy
Well sometimes promises get broken. Know what else gets broken? My legs when I don't pay my gambling debts. But it's the only way I'll learn responsibility.

Zane
You're lucky. My bookie usually just bashes my head in with a brick then grinds my cock up in a food processor before shooting me in the stomach with a 12 gauge shot gun.

Jimmy
One time a guy told me "whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger." Thought I think the truth was just that he was a lousy murderer.

Zane
He must have been. I had this wanna-be murderer tell me once that it was impossible to kill people. I was all like, "Yeah right buddy. You just don't know how to do and you're afraid to ask." He then goes on to explain that his parents told him that people were impossible to kill. That's when I said "Listen pal, your parents are pieces of shit and don't know their ass from a hole in the ground. If you want to kill people just do it the old fashioned way and travel into the future and get the secret plans for traveling into the past, then go into the past and get a baby dinosaur and hide that dino under the persons bed. When the dino grows up, it'll eat the person. Wham, bam, thank you ma'am."

Jimmy
They just need to put forth a little effort. That's what's wrong with murderers. Laziness.

Zane
And it's not like the "time travel and put dinosaurs under bed" way of murdering take a lot of effort either. Sure you have to commit to a strict diet and run 10 miles a day for a year before your able to time travel. And of course a few weeks after you get back you wont be able to control your emotions and you'll cry and cry for no apparent reason. You'll also develop annoying habits such as standing in front of a deli counter licking your lips and saying "Ohhhh fuck yeah" as the person slices meat.

Jimmy
Sometimes when I'm at the deli I like to imagine what the deli guy thinks about when he's slicing the meat. I mean, he does it so much, he probably isn't thinking about it cause it's like he's on autopilot. So he probably thinks about other stuff. He's probably thinking, "If that goddamn wife of mine doesn't have my Santa Clause suit washed and pressed by the time I get home, I'm gonna smell like a goddamn whine-o when I go to my night job as a mall Santa." But I suppose he could be thinking other stuff also.

Zane
Nope, that's it. What you just said is the only thing a deli worker who is slicing meat who is not thinking about slicing meat could be thinking. I read that in a deli pamphlet once.

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