Cabbage Butt Wipe

I was forced to wipe my butt with cabbage once. It wasn't that bad. The wiping with cabbage that is. The circumstance leading up to me having to wipe with cabbage haunts me to this day. Twenty five years later and I still can't walk past the cabbage isle in a supper market without clinching my butt cheeks. It all happened when I was 8 years old at summer camp...

Who the fuck went to summer camp? I've been watching movies my whole life about kids getting sent off to some camp where something crazy usually ends up happening. Where are these camps because I want to send my son to one. If I've learned anything by watching these movies it's that my son will come home having learned a valuable life lesson. He's definitely going to have his first kiss, be bullied by the older kids, and possible get murdered. All necessary steps towards adulthood.

I'm an adult. I have a job, pay taxes, and have hair on my private parts. All these things make me an adult. I'm glad simply having hair in your underwear doesn't make you an adult. I don't want to live in a society that forces you to pull down your pants just to buy a beer. Not because I don't like showing off my pubic hair but because it's such an inconvenience. I live in a cold weather environment and go to great lengths not to have to pull my pants down.

Can pubic lice survive in a cold weather environment? I haven't had pubic lice since I was seventeen or so but every time I caught the bastards I remember it was summer. It's a good chance that I slept with more whores during the summer months though.

I miss summer. There isn't anything I can't do now that because it's not summer though. I don't go swimming because I don't like taking my shirt off in public. And not just because I've put on a few pounds. When I was 22 or so, I got this big stupid tattoo on my back. It's this great big, solid black stupid looking cross and it looks fucking dumb as shit. I have no idea why I paid $300 for this piece of shit looking tattoo but I did and I'm stuck with it forever. I'm so ashamed of it I can never show my naked back in public again. Thanks to my drunken 22 year old self. Maybe if my father would have sent me to summer camp when I was younger I would have learned not to do shit like that.


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Sincere Letter to my Pets

Dear dogs and hamsters,

You're all starting to get on my nerves. Especially you dogs. You fucking things. Why do you piss and shit on the floor? How do you know where I'm going to step and put your shit or puddle of piss right there? Are you mother fucking physics? Why do you insist on making a bunch of noise in the middle of the night? It hurts my feeling to have to yell at you and raise my hand like I'm going to smack the shit out of you. You always look scared when I do it but two seconds later your wagging your tail like you want me to play with you. If someone had just threatened me with violence then I wouldn't want to play with them.

And you family of hamsters. You are some weirdos. I'm pretty sure you've been eating each other. That makes you some real sick fuck-o's in my book. Not only that but I know you've been trying to escape from your cage. Is it really that bad in your cage? I always make sure there's water and food and clean bedding and every now and then I'll throw some other random shit in there for you to chew on. So what the fuck?

My wife hates you all too and that's really the worst part. You're causing me trouble with my family. I've put up with your shit for awhile now because my son liked to poke at you but now I don't think he'd even notice you being gone. There's nothing saving your silly asses anymore so shape the fuck up.

Love,

Zane


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Toddlers finger painting causes uproad in small New Mexico town

GALLUP, New Mexico — A toddlers finger painting caused quite a commotion after one residend described the painting as "pretty fucking good".

Sandra Boose, second grade teacher, says the art work isn't that bad for a little kid.

The Gallup Daily News says the 2-year-old finger painter who does not have a name yet because his mother said "I'm working on it", has never recieved any formal art training, and was just fucking around with the finger paints when the magic happened. It started out as a "nothing" picture and somehow trasformed into a mash of color and wonder that is.

His mother, Dorothea, who is 5 feet tall and weighs 97 pounds, is such a bitch about the whole thing that she couldn't be reached for comment at first then a couple of hours later she called back and was rambling on about how big her tits were.

The painting was on display in the lobby of the Gallup library when the towns folk really began to take notice.

"It's really nice. I like the swirls." says one resident.

"This was done by a 2-year-old? No shit?" says guy with beard and glasses.

This small New Mexico town is already gearing up for the expected flood of tourists and media storm witch is sure to follow. Residents have began boarding up windows and seeking higher ground.

"I'm not taking any chances. Last time something like this happened the National Gaurd was called in to keep the peace." noted some old lady.

The toddler is currently in hiding after an angry mob with torches and pitchforks and I think one guy had a shotgun formed and began marching toward the library.



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Dave's Favorite Movies Of 2011!!

Everybody does lists at the end of the year. Here's another one!

My 10 Favorite Movies Of The Year

10. The Beaver

Yeah, Mel Gibson is a woman hating racist, but the dude can still act his ass off. And that's what he does in The Beaver. Even with his strong performance, Anton Yelchin and Jennifer Lawrance steal the movie in the B storyline. It was one of the most interesting takes on depression I've seen in a few years. No disrespect to Jodie Foster, who was competent enough, but I would have loved to see this in the hands of a great director. Still thoroughly enjoyed it though.

9. Crazy Stupid Love

I generally don't like movies like this, but the cast is so great I had to give it a chance. Very glad I did. Steve Carell is a very likeable lead, and Ryan Gosling is Ryan Gosling. Emma Stone doesn't hurt either. The characters were great and actually had me interested and concerned about what happened to them. The son's storyline felt fairly out of place at times, but also broke it up enough to make the movie unique overall. It's biggest flaw is that it peaked during the backyard confrontation and still had some movie to go. The ending wasn't going to top that scene, but that scene being so strong made up for it.

8. Snowtown

This is one of the creepiest, most uncomfortable movies I've ever seen. The story takes it's time to get going, but is the perfect buildup. It's hard to take your eyes away as the story builds, and then once it starts happening it doesn't stop. Daniel Henshall absolutely deserves an Oscar nomination at the very least, but he won't get it. His performance was downright chilling and worth watching for alone.

7. Another Earth

This is one of those that I liked more and more the more I thought about it than I did immediately upon watching. The first time around I really enjoyed it, but by the second watch I was absolutely in love. Brit Darling wrote herself an amazing role and completely delivered. It's an unconventional love story, and not your typical science fiction. It's a unique premise told throughout a very unique set of circumstances that builds up to a fantastic ending.

6. Hesher

I've never loved a Joseph Gordon-Levitt movie until this one. He was at the top of his game as Hesher, and the story was so well crafted and beautifully told. It took a completely different approach to looking at depression, and lead to a very engaging story. Between this and Super, Rainn Wilson showed he's not just a great comic actor and should have his choice of roles from here on out. The dialogue and story were so well written and is a movie that you feel like you actually come away with something. This may be a weird word to describe a movie about a stoner medal head, but it was beautiful.

5. Drive

Ryan Gosling.

4. Martha Marcy May Marlene

Telling a story in a non-linear way is hit or miss, and this one hit big time. It was so beautifully written and directed and bounced between timelines flawlessly. It's an interesting story and a nice look at a situation you don't get to see in a lot of movies. Elizabeth Olsen is amazing in the lead, and hopefully will get an Oscar nomination to give her the recognition she deserves. John Hawkes shows again that he's one of the best actors alive, and should be getting a best supporting nomination for the second year in a row, and should also win, but likely won't.

3. The Guard

In Bruges was my favorite movie of 2008, and this was written and directed by the brother of the dude who made it. I don't think he was quite able to top In Bruges, but he came damn close. Brenden Gleeson is so compelling on screen, and this role really gave him a chance to shine. Much like Colin Farrell did in In Bruges, Gleeson made an extremely unlikeable character very loveable. Don Cheadle throws in a nice balance, and the story is very fun to watch unfold.

2. Source Code

All hyperbole aside, Duncan Jones is a movie making god. Moon is one of the better sci-fi films of the last 10 years, and was tough to follow up. But he followed it up strong. With Source Code, he proved that he can not only make a phenominal sci-fi movie, but that he can do so on a mainstream scale. He let Jake Gyllenhaal shine without banking solely on his star power, and perfectly utitlized the very talented cast. Without emotion, science fiction falls flat, and Jones showed that mixing emotion and science fiction is his specialty.

1. Attack The Block

Most fun movie of the year. Great cast, great story, great direction, just overall a very well made movie. Avoided being a typical monster movie by banking on great characters and a perfectly set up atmosphere. The creatures were very cool, and the action was well done. Every death mattered, the consequences were well established and the climax was well worth the buildup, which are alls things most American horror movies fail, especially at the mainstream level. It had a very Gremlins-type vibe, which is one of the greatest complements I can give a movie.

Just Outside The Top 10

50/50, Harry Potter And The Deathly Hallows: Part 2, We Need To Talk About Kevin, Kill List, Warrior, X-Men: First Class

Most Confusing Opinion Of A Movie

Bellflower

I think I loved Bellflower, but I'm pretty sure I hated it. I love the story behind how it was made. I love that they basically invented a camera to give it its own unique look. I like the idea of the story enough, but I'm not sold on the execution. It tries to sell itself as anything but a breakup movie, but it's a breakup movie. The story is somewhat compelling, but just doesn't come across right. The climax is a little forced and doesn't really fit with the rest of the movie. I won't say it's an awful movie, but I'm not calling it great. All things considered, I'm definitely interested in what Evan Glodell.

Most Hated Movie

Melancholia

Man, I hated this movie, yet it's showing up on every year end best of list. I don't need 10 minutes of nonsense to open a movie, I don't care how pretty it is. It takes an awesome concept for a movie, and takes over half the movie before it even gets to it. If the entire movie were just the second half, I'd have probably liked it. Still wouldn't have loved it, but I wouldn't have hated it with such strong rage. I just don't get it. I feel like the only reason people say they love this movie is because they don't want to feel like their opinion is inferior because everybody else is saying they love it only because they don't want their opinion to be inferior.

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