Borrowing A Book

EXT NED’S FRONT LAWN-DAY

NED is walking with KIM up the path towards his front door.

NED

That book I was telling you about is right inside. I’ll run in and get it. I’d invite you in but the place is a wreck. I wouldn’t want you to be uncomfortable.

KIM

Don’t worry about it. You should see my place. It’s a complete disaster area.

NED

Oh, all right. Come on in.

He is about to open the door then stops.

NED

(cont)

There is one thing I think I should mention. I do have a roommate and he can be a bit rude sometimes. Please don’t take offense. He’s just a bit unbalanced.

KIM

Alright.

NED

Yeah, I’d avoid starting any conversations with him.

KIM

We’re just getting the book aren’t we?

NED

Oh yeah. In and out. It’ll just be a second.

KIM

Sure.

NED

He’s got this thing about Eastern Europe, it’s weird. So try and avoid talking about that too much.

KIM

Eastern Europe? What sort of thing does he have about Eastern Europe?

NED

Oh no. I knew I shouldn’t have brought it up. You’re going to ask him about it now aren’t you?

KIM

No. It’s just strange that’s all.

NED

I know, super strange. He’s such a weird guy.

Ned starts to open the door again then stops.

NED

(cont)

I should also warn you that we have cats.

KIM

I love cats.

NED

We have about a hundred of them.

KIM

A hundred cats? In there?

NED

Yeah, and some of them are quite large.

KIM

Wow, that’s...interesting.

NED

We also have some strange pictures hanging up on the wall. I just wanted to warn you before you see them so you don’t freak out.

KIM

I’m starting to think you don’t want me to borrow that book.

NED

No,no, it’s nothing like that. I just don’t want you to freak out is all.

KIM

Well, I don’t freak out that easily. So I don’t think it’ll be a problem.

NED

Good, that’s good. If my Dad calls don’t pick up the phone.

KIM

What?

NED

My Dad, if he calls don’t pick up the phone. If you do forget and accidentally pick up the phone just don’t lie to him about anything. He hates liars.

KIM

I can assure you, I have no intention of picking up your phone or lying to your father.

NED

Okay. Oh, also, a murder once took place in my house.

KIM

Uh, okay. That doesn’t bother me.

NED

It was earlier this afternoon.

KIM

I should go.

NED

No, please! Look, I really like you. I guess that’s why I’m trying so hard to not freak you out.

KIM

I like you too, Ned. Just relax a little. Let’s just get that book and we’ll call it a night.

NED

Okay, come on in.

THEY ENTER THE HOUSE. WE SEE NED’S ROOMMATE, HAL, SITTING IN A ROCKING CHAIR

NED

Hi, Hal.

HAL

Who’s the skirt?

NED

Hal, this is Kim.

KIM

How do you do?

HAL

She’s not Eastern European is she?

NED

No, Hal.

KIM

I’m from the upper West side.

NED AND KIM CONTINUE ON INTO THE STUDY

KIM

So um, Ned didn’t commit that murder you alluded to earlier, did he?

NED

He’s a person of interest.

KIM LOOKS AT THE WALL AND SEES A LARGE PAINTING OF AN OLD MAN WEARING A DIAPER AND NOTHING ELSE.

NED

(cont)

Here’s that book I was telling you about. You’re not getting freaked out are you. I like to paint pictures of old men wearing diapers.

KIM

It’s... lovely. I thought you said you have cats.

NED

Shit. Don’t move.

KIM

What is it?

NED

They’re hunting us.

KIM

The cats?

NED

No, the pictures of old men wearing diapers.

KIM

Huh?

NED

Yes, of course the cats you idiot.

KIM

I’m leaving. You can keep your book.

THE PHONE RINGS

NED

(whispering)

Don’t move.

HAL

(yelling from the other room)

Ned, it’s your Dad. Do you want me to tell him you’re not here?

NED

NO!

HAL

(still yelling from the other room)

Okay. Oh, and don’t worry about the cats. I stuffed them all in the dryer when the cops were here.

NED

(relaxing)

Oh man, that’s a relief.

KIM

I’m still leaving.

NED

What? Why? At least take the book.

KIM

Well, I have been wanting to read it.

NED

Yeah, see? And you know the library doesn’t have it. I had this one special ordered.

KIM

Alright.

NED

And I’ll only charge you one hundred dollars a day.

KIM

Nope, you’re done.

KIM WALKS OUT OF THE ROOM. NED IS CLOSE BEHIND. SHE GETS TO THE FRONT DOOR AND THROWS IT OPEN. NED’S DAD IS STANDING THERE.

DAD

I knew it! Hal, you lied to me!

HAL

Mr. Nelson no! I didn’t mean it!

DAD

You’re gonna get it now. The BEAR is coming for you!

NED’S DAD PUTS HIS ARMS IN THE AIR AND DOES A TERRIBLE IMPRESSION OF A BEAR. HE’S SNARLING AND GROWLING AND STARTS SLOWLY “BEAR WALKING” TOWARD HAL WHO TAKES OFF RUNNING.

DAD

(getting right in Kim’s face)

That’s what happens when people lie to me.

NED

Dad stop it! I’ve already warned her.

DAD

Is that right? What else has Ned told you?

KIM

Nothing, I’m just here to borrow a book. That’s all!

DAD

A book? What book?

KIM HANDS DAD THE BOOK.

DAD

(cont)

I can’t believe it.

NED

I was going to charge her a hundred dollars a day!

DAD

I can’t believe you’d do this to your father.

KIM WALKS OFF

NED

Please Dad! Not the bear!

WE SEE DAD START DOING HIS BEAR ROUTINE AGAIN. THEN WE SEE KIM WHO’S WALKED DOWN THE STREET ABOUT A BLOCK. SHE WALKS UP TO A CAR. THERE’S A GUY SITTING IN THE DRIVERS SEAT.

GUY

Did you get the book?

KIM

No, they’ve got a bear protecting it.

GUY

FUCK!

KIM GETS IN THE CAR AND THEY DRIVE OFF.

END

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Nickname Fart Fuck

It was the smell of shit that finally woke me up, coming in the form of a fart being blown directly into my face from a strange asshole that was two inches away from my nose. This was followed by the sound of three men laughing hysterically.

The events leading up to me being farted on my strangers slowly started coming back, populating my barely conscious mind. I had an awful hangover and for once in my life I actually enjoyed the mind numbing headache and nausea that was always there to greet me the morning after a night of heavy drinking, it kept my mind from processing the full load of humiliating events all at once. No, this night would have to be carefully reconstructed and then immediately stored in the “Things to Never Do Again” area of my brain.

I had just finished my set and was carrying my equipment to the van when P.J., the greasy bartender, approached and asked if I wanted to “party”. In the ten years that I’ve been traveling around the country I’ve been asked to “party” countless times. This term has a wide range of meanings and it’s always best to have it clarified before agreeing to any “party”. You don’t want to accidentally agree to be butt fucked when you thought you were agreeing to a bump of coke. So I asked P.J. what type of party and he assured me it was just a regular house party. There’d be a keg of beer, drugs, girls, and most importantly, he said I could crash on the couch when it was all over. I immediately agreed.

The party was in full swing by the time we arrived and P.J. had not been lying about what to expect. There looked to be about a hundred people, all transported from the bar, and everyone looked to be having a great time. I helped myself to a cup of beer and began scoping the crowd for a date. Before I finish that first beer someone screamed “Fucking Cuervo, man!” and started passing around an extra-large bottle of tequila. No salt and no lime for this crowd, it was simply take one down and pass it around. When the bottle came my way I tried handing if off without taking a drink (a lot of unclean looking people had already drank out of that bottle) which apparently is huge no-no amongst P.J. and his gang. The penalty for not drinking from the bottle was that I had to take two drinks. I realize that doesn’t make sense but you have to understand these “rules” were made up by drunk people. I once again attempted to get myself out of this game which was another penalizing offense and that meant, you guessed it, I now had to take three drinks. Not wanting to risk losing my spot on the couch, I finally gave in and took three long pulls out of the bottle. Goodnight brain, I thought to myself and proceeded to get wildly intoxicated.

The details of the night are a bit blurry but I distinctively remember agreeing to the nickname “Fart Fuck” after I told someone that liked the smell of my own farts.

I am now sitting in the E.R. waiting for someone to treat this nasty case of Conjunctivitis I received from being farted on so many times. I’m going to miss playing in several well paying rigs and I’ll be sleeping in my van the entire time. I think it might have been better if P.J. did simply want to butt fuck me. I still would have been able to play those shows at least.

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BOARD ROOM MEETING

BOARD ROOM MEETING

A bunch of business executives are sitting around a large conference room table. Everyone is wearing business attire sitting quietly waiting for the BOSS to come in.

The Boss walks in.

BOSS

Alright people we’ve got a lot to cover. Fourth quarter profits are down and customer complaints are up. The only thing that’s staying the same around here are your ugly faces. We need a change. We need to get with the program. We need ideas and we’re going to stay here all night if we have to in order to get some ideas. Is everyone with me on this?

Everyone is nodding their heads looking around the room nodding to each other. This is a very agreeable group.

BOSS

Alright then, who’s going first? C’mon people, out with the ideas. You. Over there. You have ideas.

Boss is referring to one of the execs. He looks around the room. Obviously he has no ideas.

BOSS

What about you? With the glasses.

Exec wearing a pair of glasses has nothing.

BOSS

You, with the stupid haircut. Yeah, you. Little Miss Stupid Cut. What’cha got for the group? Nothing? Ah, to hell with all of you! Why I outta fire each and ever-

One of the more BRAVE execs decides to speak up before they’re all fired.

BRAVE

We could do some actual work instead of sitting around in these pointless meetings all day.

Everyone in the room is a bit nervous. No one has ever spoken up before. Boss is eyeballing him curiously.

BOSS

What’s your name cowboy?

BRAVE

That’s another thing. You’re always calling everyone these stupid nicknames. How about taking the time to learn our names.

BOSS

(considering)

Names…hmmmm

BRAVE

Yeah, like mine is Peter. Not cowboy, not Buck-O, and certainly not Dick Nose.

BOSS

You were certainly cut from a different rug then these dopes were weren’t you Dick Nose, I mean Peter. I like that. What else do you have.

PETER

Well, for one we could actually talk about what it is we do here instead of just how to improve it. I’ve been with the company six weeks and I haven’t the first clue as to what this place even is.

BOSS

(matter of factly)

We’re business people Peter. This is what we do. We’re sitting in a fancy conference room and we’re all wearing business suits. I’m clearly the Boss and you all are lackey executives. What else is there?

PETER

I don’t know. What if we sold something.

One of the other execs is feeling brave now and decides to speak up.

EXEC 1

We could sell sex. Prostitution is the oldest business.

Everyone begins to discuss the idea of selling sex.

BOSS

What do you think of that Peter? We’re going to start selling sex immediately. Who wants a blowjob? Five dollars.

PETER

No, no, no. Not sex. I meant like, computers or books or medical equipment or anything else. Something that helps the world.

Everyone begins discussing this. Another exec has something to say.

EXEC 2

What if we invented a building that people could visit if they’re hurt or sick then we could make them better?

PETER

You mean a hospital. You want us to all become doctors?

EXEC 2

I bet we could turn a hefty profit.

PETER

We’re not doctors. We’re business people...I think. I know I am. I have a Masters Degree in business. I graduated top on my class. I’m not going to go to medical school!

EXEC 3

We could just lie and say we’re doctors.

EXEC 4

And when they’re not looking take their money and run.

PETER

What the fuck?! No, what is the matter with all of you. I was always under the impression that you were all intelligent people. I thought you were just meek not morons. Don’t any of you know anything about business?

EXEC 3

I know business has the word bus in it. We could be a bus driving business.

PETER

You want us to be bus drivers?

EXEC 1

Yeah! And our slogan could be, “We put the Bus in Business.”

PETER

That doesn’t even make sense. The b-u-s in business is pronounced completely different than the word bus.

BOSS

My grandpappy was a bus driver.

EXEC 2

I used to ride a bus to school.

PETER

Enough with the fucking busses! This city already has a perfectly good transportation system, we aren’t going to be a bus company. Now think, what is something people really need.

BOSS

Air?

EXEC 5

Oh, yeah. We could sell air!

EXEC 2

Yeah, if people wanna breathe, they’ll have to come pay us. We’ll be the only game in town. Just like a cable company!

BOSS

(to Exec 2)

Brilliant! You’re hired!

PETER

Okay, first of all, he already works here. He’s an executive for fuck’s sake. And secondly, you can’t sell air.

EXEC 3

That’s what people used to say about cell phones during World War II, and now everyone has one.

PETER

Cell phones didn’t exist during World War II!

BOSS

This is wonderful! I really feel like we might actually get something accomplished today, thanks to Peter. Now, I’m going to go take a shit and I want you all to keep the conversation going. Peter, I’m putting you in charge.

Boss leaves the room and Peter walks to the head of the table. When he turns around the execs faces don’t quite look the same. They look pissed.

PETER

(noticing the change in demeanor)

Uh, alright everyone. Let’s…

EXEC 1

(interrupting)

Just what the fuck do you think you’re doing?

EXEC 2

Yeah, College Boy. We got a good thing going here and we don’t need you fucking it up.

PETER

I don’t understand.

EXEC 3

Who’s the moron now, huh?

EXEC 1

That old man is crazy as a loon and all we have to do is sit in here with our thumbs up our butts and listen to him bitch and we all get paid. And paid well.

EXEC 2

So start playing ball or we’ll have your ass sent down to the mail room.

EXEC 3

And we’ll have your kids murdered.

EXEC 1

Whoa! Take it easy man. We’re not going to kill his kids.

EXEC 3

(sincerly)

I’m really sorry about that. I thought we were doing a tough guy thing there and I guess I got carried away. I’m really sorry.

Boss comes back into the board room.

BOSS

Yippee, that was a good one. Not too hard, not too soft. Two wipes and done, just the way I like it. Peter what’s wrong my friend. You look like you’ve seen a ghost.

Peter is still standing in front of everyone. He hasn’t had time to process everything yet. He looks over at Exec 1 who gives him a wink and a nod.

PETER

Well sir, we were talking about…

Peter looks over at the Exec again. He’s not sure what he’s suppose to do. The Exec starts mimicking playing a fiddle. Peter is confused.

PETER

(cont)

...selling fiddles. Yeah that’s it. We want to sell honkey tonk fiddles!

All the Execs are pissed. They’re shaking their head “NO!”. Peter is even more confused.

PETER

(cont)

No! Not honkey tonk fiddles, we’re going to sell …

One of the Execs does a little dance thingie with his hands. He’s trying to tell Peter something but he has no clue.

PETER

(cont)

… directing traffic?

All the Execs are pissed and slap their forehead.

PETER

(exploding)

I DON’T KNOW WHAT THE FUCK YOU MEAN!!!

The Boss is shocked by this outburst. He hasn’t seen anything the Execs were doing.

BOSS

Peter, what’s gotten into you?

EXEC 1

(imitating the intercom)

“Sir, your mother is holding on line one”

BOSS

My mother? She’s been dead for 10 years. I better take this one in my office. Excuse me.

Boss leaves the room again.

PETER

What the fuck are you guys doing to me!?

EXEC 1

“Song and Dance” you idiot. Give him the old song and dance. Song (fiddle) and Dance (hand gesture thing they were doing before)

PETER

You’ve got to be kidding me! How was I suppose to get that?

Boss walks back in.

BOSS

She hung up. So what were you saying earlier about this Honking Tank Thimble, Peter? Please tell me more.

All the Execs are doing the “song and dance” for Peter. He gets it this time.

PETER

You know, I was thinking. What do we need to sell stuff for anyway? I mean, we’re business folk right?

The Execs are all smiling and nodding and giving Peter the thumbs up.

PETER

(cont)

We go to meetings and we wear fancy suits and we make that mother fuckin’ money. Am I right?

Boss seems concerned. Peter has flip-flopped on this so quickly.

BOSS

But what about all your ideas with selling stuff? I thought we were on to something.

PETER

No, no, no. Let the common man sell stuff. We’re important people. We’re better than everyone else. We’re rich and they’re not. We’re good and they’re pieces of shit. We’re…

The Execs are giving Peter the “slow it down a little bit parter” look. Peter may have went a bit too far.

PETER

(cont)

...What I mean is; if it ain’t broke don’t fix it.

BOSS

Do you truly mean this Peter?

Peter considers the question. He looks at the Execs and Boss notices he’s looking at the Execs too.

BOSS

(cont)

Why do you keep looking at them? What’s going on here Peter? Have they put you up to this?

Peter’s in a bind. On one hand he wants to be a real business man and sell things that make the world a better place, on the other hand he likes the money he’s making just sitting on his ass with the other execs. He doesn’t know what to do. The execs are all looking like “well, c’mon Peter. Tell him you just want to sit on your ass” but in his heart he knows he just can’t do it.

PETER

Sir, I have to be honest with you. These people are charlatans! They have been using you and your senility for their own benefit. They willingly and knowingly sat on their asses and offered nothing to this company, collecting their fat paychecks, in hopes that one day a Peter Smith doesn’t come along and pull the rug out from under them! Well that day has come you bastards. Peter Smith is here and I will NOT stand by and let you pull my strings one second longer!

Peter is standing there out of breath. That was quite a speech he just made. The Execs are speechless. They’re not sure yet whether they’re fucked or if they can talk their way out of this.

BOSS

(to the Execs)

Is this true?

EXEC 1

(stammering)

Well...uh, not...I mean, well..

EXEC 2

Peter, why would you say such a thing?

PETER

I swear it’s all true. They wanted me to give you the old “song and dance”.

BOSS

They wanted me to eat your underwear?

PETER

No. What? What the hell does “song and dance” mean to you?

EXEC 3

It doesn’t matter Peter. You’ve said enough.

BOSS

That’s right Peter. You have said enough. Before we continue, I just need to know one thing. Do you truly believe in making the world a better place? Should business folk try and help the world instead of just fucking them out of their money and manipulating them into believing they must own a bunch of shit they don’t really need?

PETER

Yes sir, with all my heart.

Peter is standing there, proud as fuck. His dreams of making a difference in the world just might come true after all.

BOSS

Alright, in that case; you’re fired. We don’t need your kind in the business world. Good-bye.

PETER

What!?

BOSS

That’s right. This has all been an elaborate hoax to see what kind of person you really are. I had high hopes for you Peter. You really let us down.

Peter looks over at the other Execs who all are looking at him disappointedly. Peter, with his head down, slowly walks out of the room-but just before he makes it through the doorway he stops. He has one final thing to say to these bastards.

PETER

You haven’t heard the last from Peter Smith! I’m going to start my own company. And I’m going to help people! Do you hear me! I’m going to-

One of the Execs shoots Peter dead.

BOSS

(relieved)

Thank you.

(into the intercom)

Suze, we need a clean-up in the board room. And could you also send in a new Exec. Thanks.

END

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Happy New Year!

My neighbor wanted to say Happy New Year to me and I recorded it. 

Check out this episode!

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