What I think heaven is like

Despite my insane attitudes toward life and limbs, I do believe in heaven above. I think that when we die our souls (barely visible versions of ourselves) float out of our bodies and float all the way in to the sky. There's a bunch of other souls up in the clouds with special nets designed to catch the souls. If you're a piece of shit or if they're not paying attention your soul will just keep floating up into outer space. No one knows where you'll end up then. Probably getting butt fucked my Martians.

The people who are caught in the nets (about 86%) get dumped out on their heads. It's going to hurt and you'll be tempted to jump up and start a fight but then you'll realize you're on a cloud and that's going to scare the shit out of you. Then some dude with a beard will float up to you and start singing some boring song about your life. You're going to be bored out of your mind but some parts will be cool. There's a verse about the first time you fucked a girl and it'll be a little embarrassing to listen to because your grandma will be standing right there shaking her head but it's still cool.

After the song you have to get stripped searched to make sure you're not smuggling any contraband into heaven. They make you get fully nude and they're going to look in your butt hole. It's sick as fuck but they wont stick a finger in there or anything unless you give them probable cause, so don't clench your cheeks too tight.

Next you'll be fitted for your new clothes. You go into this big empty room with a ton of other souls and you'll all still be naked. There's going to be some hot girls in there too and you're going to think that one of them wants to fuck. You'll start to get horny and then this older heavenly guy will come over and give you a talking to and make you feel like a dick. He gives you this big long speak about "bodies and lust and boners and blah, blah, blah" By the time he's finished you wont want to do it with that chick anymore. That speech is the equivilant of saltpeter. It sucks but you wont have to worry about getting hard-ons while wearing your new clothes which are nothing more than shitty K Mart bedsheets.

When you're done, that's it. You're dead and in heaven. You can look down and see all the people that you used to know. Those are the only people you can see too; them and reletives. You can't just randomly look down and watch the circus for instance. It's good advice to know as many people as you can so you can watch more people when you die. I'm probably going to spend most of my time watching my great grand children learn to ride bikes. I just think it's fun to watch them fall down and cry. That sounds mean but I don't think it is. That's a hell of a time in a childs life. Learning how to fall and fuck your knee all up and then get back on the mother fucker knowing there's a good chance it's going to happen again. That takes some balls. Sometimes I think those balls shrink as people get older. As soon as something happens and they think there's even a small possiblility they're going to get hurt they won't do something. That's bullshit.

I hope my balls never shrink.



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