Poems

I started reading Where the Sidewalk Ends to my six year old and it's inspired him to write some poetry. Not really write it as much as speak it. I did all of the writing down. These are all Zane's original poems. I didn't bother naming them.

there once was a cell phone that did not ring
jimmy said this is weird,
what to do,
what to do,
the cell phone could only meow
the cell phone could only talk to a cat
meow, meow

there once was a dart board that had some luck
but he had some bad problems
he only moved, he only mooed
he only talked to a cat and a mouse
but they did not answer
they were like hmmmmmm
he tried talking to a cow
the cow answered
the dart board now has a friend

there once was an eraser that had no pencil
but the eraser had no luck finding a pencil
he looked inside a book at the library
but this book is about hooks
hmmmmm why is this in here, i do not know
then the eraser got out of the book and the
librarian was surprised it could walk
the eraser had luck now
he found a pencil, they were friends

the key and the lock went to a door
they couldn't reach up
they had no luck reaching up
they tried a ladder but they were too small
to hold the ladder but then they stacked a bunch
of books but books tumbled on them
ahhhhhh the lock said
watch out! the key said
they build the ladder of legos

one book sat alone
he was by his self
he tried walking but the librarian was
watching the only book
but then the librarian fell asleep
and the book got out and found some friends
they were a bunch of books that had many colors
red, indigo and violet
the book was happy
they went back to the library and there were
finally a couple of books
the librarian woke up and was like
hmmmmm how did those books get there
but then she found out the books could move
when she found out she was not mad
the lonely book turned into a happy book
he finally had some friends Read more!

My Work

My work requires I visit all buildings within my jurisdiction to ensure the fools inside aren't poisening the fresh water supply, which believe it or not, happens quite regularly. I usually go in unannounced to catch folks off gaurd.

"Who's in charge around here?" That's such a great open. It really sets the tone for good social interaction. No one will answer you immediately that's for sure. Starting off with that one is sure to followed by a good old fashion stare down. Some have that 'deer in the headlights' stare others will have the 'who the fuck are you' look on their face. The poor sap in the following story was a deer in the headlights sort of fella.

"I said who's in charge here." More stares. "What the fuck is your problem? I'm going to be looking around your building and I don't want any problems. I have the authority to send you to federal prison for the crimes you're commiting in here so I'd advise you to snap out of it." My authority to send people to federal prison was revoked last November. It was major headlines in the paper.

A quick side-step around this fool and I was going about my duty. I thought that I'd be able to go about this unmolested but he was right behind me. "What is this all about?" he farted into the back of my head. I refused to turn around and had a strong urge to run. This guy was a monster. I wasn't prepared. "I can't remember. Leave me alone!" I said and changed directions.

The damage to the building was spectacular. Just as I began to scribble my first few notes on the paper "Are you from the Water Company? Because we've been calling about a....". I couldn't listen. This guy was just too stupid to listen to and his breath smelled like he'd just licked an armpit or two. I had to put a stop to it so I turn and shout "I can't take it! Get the fuck away from me!".

I drove back to my office to find my manager waiting in the parking lot for me. "Were you just over at the Cass building? Because we've been getting phone calls of someone cussing at the workers over there."

"That place if filled with public masterbaters! You can't believe a word they say."

None of the charges I filled stuck. I didn't give myself enough time to collect the proper amount of evidence and the judge wouldn't accept my "nonsense" as admissible. Fuck it. I'll get'em next time around. Read more!

lightsaber dildo handle

INT. PIGGLY WIGGLY GROCERY STORE. DAY

HORNEY GUY sits on a pile of frozen veggies waiting for the girl of his dreams. Some guy is in the corner reading magazines and he's also petting a small dog and you can tell the dog is into it because he has a boner and so does the dog.

HORNEY GUY

Dear Grandma, I'm talking to you in letter format. Do you like it? Love grandson.

MANAGER slowly walks up to Horney Guy. He doesn't want him to see what's hiding behind his back.

MANAGER

I have something for you.

HORNEY GUY

Thanks but I have enough giant inflatable blowup dolls that resemble Ronald Reagan.

the camera pulls back to reveal that manager was trying to hide something behind his back thats way too big to ever be hidden behind one persons back. ten peoples back maybe but the majority would have had to stand on the others shoulders as this object is taller than it is wide.

MANAGER

Well, I just thought it'd cheer you up. I heard about Lilly.

HORNEY GUY

Yeah, what'd you hear? That she was the love of my life? that she gave great head? that she could finish math problems without ever looking at the numbers? Well it's all a lie. Not all a lie that is. I mean, who could do math problems without looking at the numbers? Sure, someone could read you the numbers but you're not going to remember all them numbers. It's too many numbers.

MANAGER

Oh fuck yeah that's a lot of numbers. You ever seen them math problems that turn numbers into letter?

HORNEY GUY

No. Have you ever seen a dildo with a handle at one end that looks like a lightsaber? I bet there's a bunch of star wars freaks who'd buy some shit like that.

MANAGER

George would never stand for something like that. That's too dangerous anyway. Some lonely womens going to end up mixing up her dildo and lightsaber and cut her vagina in half.

HONEY GUY

Vaginas are already sort of cut in half. You know what I mean?

MANAGER

No they're not. Gross. That's such a disturbing way of thinking of pussy as being somehow chopped in half like a whole vagina somehow looks nothing like that untill it's been cut with a sharp object. Is that how you think of your ass? As being somehow chopped in half?

HORNEY GUY

Yes.



And here is the rest of it. Read more!

16 & Pregnant Episode Recap: Jamie

Jamie is a senior in high school. She's kind of a goodie two shoes. She's even on student council!! But her friends were thrown for a loop when she started dating the school bad boy, Ryan.

They're about to get thrown for another loop, cause she's fucking pregnant!!

Their relationship was rocky at first, but lately Jamie and Ryan have been getting along better. In her words, they're "like two parrots." I don't even think she knows what the fuck that means.

As was already stated, Ryan was the school bad boy. He's the kind of kid that has a moustache in high school. He's 17, has already had a handful of speeding tickets and a DUI. Needless to say, he no longer has a license.

Jamie lives with her single mom. Her dad didn't love her and left when she was young, leaving her mom to raise her and her sister. Her mom wasn't happy about her getting pregnant, and was convinced she wouldn't end up having it.

But guess what, mom? She fucking is.

Ryan talks about wanting to be responsible, but yet he's missed three straight doctor's appointments! He claims he's been having to see his lawyer since he has a court date coming up, but I don't trust him. Methinks he's up to something.

Despite him not loving her, Jamie's father is still kind of in the picture. When he found out she was pregnant, he sent her a MySpace message asking her not to have the baby. Then hasn't talked to her since.

Until she calls him and they meet up in the park. Know in movies when there's that character that was cool shit in high school, then you flash forward 20 years and he's trying to be the same guy except he's 20 years past his prime. This is her dad. I'm assuming he mentions high school football before the end of the episode.

Jamie goes off to the fair with her friends and eats fair food and watches her friends ride rides. Seriously, nothing is happening this episode, and this event was the one most worthy of mentioning.

Even though her dad told her when they met in the park that he wanted to be a part of the baby's life, he completely no showed for her baby shower.

Then Jamie asks her mom if Ryan can move in. The mom does not dig this idea. She says he can stay sometimes, but he has to stay in the baby room, and not up in Jamie's room fucking her. Then he mentions something about taking the baby occasionally, and the mom tells him that's not gonna happen. He disagrees.

How can you follow up the most intense episode of this show with this boring ass episode. I have a feeling last week's won't be topped this season.

Ryan missed his fourth straight doctor's appointment, and hasn't been answering his phone. He's been kind of distant since the disagreement with her mother. Then Jamie starts going into labor!!

He finally shows up five hours into labor. Hungover!! He feeds the worst fucking line ever. "I've been staying up for the last three nights waiting for your call, and the one night I fall asleep, you call." Luckily she didn't buy that. Him wreaking of booze didn't help him sell it.

Jamie starts throwing up during labor. It's pretty gross. Then the nurse talks about using pliers to pull the baby out. So that's what they do. Then the baby comes out with a shit ton of hair. It's a girl. They named her Miah. This was established earlier in the episode, but I didn't mention it.

Once the baby is out and things start calming down, Jamie immediately kicks Ryan out and makes him go home. He wants to stay, but she's super pissed about him showing up hungover. Then her dad shows up which brought a smile to her face.

Two days go by and Ryan doesn't even try to call or anything. Then he just randomly shows up with an overnight bag, expecting to stay the night. Looking hungover as fuck again. He starts crying and doing that annoying fucking stutter talk. He's pissed that he's not allowed to come over, and that they won't let him take her over to his house. The mom walks in, and he keeps doing that damn stutter cry talk. Mom lays down the law and really lays into him. So he leaves. Still crying.

He refuses to come to the house because he's all scared of her mom, who has the stupidest spelled name ever (Aprille). He keeps calling and begging to take the baby by himself to his mom's, even though she's only one week old. He somehow gets his license back, and insists that Jamie and Miah come to a costume party at his parents house. And he won't shut the fuck up about the whole thing. He doesn't understand a fucking word she says.

The time comes for Jamie to go back to school. Luckily, her school is filled with whores, so there's a day care in the school. So she loads that baby up on the school bus and her day begins. Then she has to take a break from class to feed that baby.

Then, oh my god. Everybody's looking at her funny, and she finds out by lunch why. Ryan already had a new girlfriend!! And he had been fucking around while she was pregnant!! She decides he won't be seeing Miah any time soon. Or ever.

She meets up with Ryan and tells him that in order for him to see Miah, they're going to have to go through the courts and let them decide what his role in her life should be. He started crying again, but thank god she walked away before he could do the stutter talk again.

Jamie goes on to change her phone number and talk to a lawyer.

Then it ends.

Read more!