Creative Writing Class Poem

Following a path of uncertain charm

and stepping heavily along the way

is never the intention to those we harm

or to those with which their lives are to pay.



Only those prospering in a course of sorrow

meet with hands raised high and fashion

a spoonful of delight which cannot borrow,

now empty inside, a barrel of passion.



With a blink the night turns to grey

tightening a knot of hate,

regret was his sin to pay.

The only one who would take the gift

was the only one who could take it away

And here is the rest of it. Read more!

Two Friends Talking About Drool and The King and I w/Jimmy and Zane

Jimmy
That is gross. You know what else is gross? Girls. All they do is have periods and suck on boys' wieners. Sick.

Zane
Ah jeez Jimmy, you're putting me in an awkward spot here. You know how much I hate to disagree with you and all but I'm going to have to on this one. Girls aren't gross and they surely don't suck on any wieners that I've ever heard of. They are stupid and ugly though and that's a science fact. I even saw a couple of them just standing in a store window once like they were displaying clothes or something. To make matters worse I could tell they were wearing wigs and wanted to let them know that I knew they were wearing wigs so I stood there screaming to the top of my lungs "I know that's a fucking wig you piece of shit!" That's how stupid they are, they just stood there and took it until some guy, probably one of their boyfriends, named Store Manager comes up to me and has the nerve to tell me to "keep it down" and then he got a good look at me and must have felt embarrassed or something because he then asks me if "I was allowed to shop by myself." I couldn't believe this guy. I just stood there with my mouth hanging open until a little drool came spilling over my bottom lip. I must have intimidated the shit out of him because he eventually walked away.

Jimmy
I know that guy Store Manager, he's a real jerk. Every time I go to the beach and build a sand castle, he has to come knock it down. Then he just walks off laughing, carrying those two wig wearing girlfriends in his arms. Well sir, one day I worked up my nerve, looked him square in the eye and said, "You sir, are no gentleman." I could tell by the look in his eye that really gave him something to think long and hard about.

Zane
Good for you! He certainly isn't a gentleman. I'll bet he's still thinking about what you said to him. I know I would be. I'm imagining how I would have reacted to you saying that to me then right now. First off, my jaw would have hit the fucking floor like a sac of dead shit. My eyes would have started to water but I'd have quickly fought off the urge to cry yet nary one tear would have fell. My hands would have already been balled into fists and every voice in my head would be screaming for me to punch one of my wigged girlies right in the fucking nose to prove what a tough guy I am. My knees you ask? You guessed it, they would have high-tailed it out to River City faster than you can say "Table of two" leaving me standing there stiff legged like some albino stilt walking cheetah who couldn't catch a cold in the middle of winter! Just thinking about how I'd of felt then is kind of making me angry now! I better go drive my car really fast to cool off.

Jimmy
Yeah, he had all those reactions. He even threw in a little twist at the end, he turned himself inside out. I'll be damned if I know how he did it, but it was a hell of a sight to see.

Zane
The old 'turn yourself inside out' trick eh? Well, he was bound to do it eventually. I knew he would just like I knew Carter wouldn't get re elected in 1980. Regan had him by the balls and there wasn't a fucking thing he could do about. Sure, he could have called a foul, he could have cried to his mommy, but that wasn't going to happen on my watch. No sir. As soon as I saw my opening, I grabbed the first baby I saw, kissed it for good luck, then leaped right out the fucking window to what I thought was my death.
But death didn't come that day. A big fat ass tree branch did though and smacked some fucking sense into me. I woke up in a hospital bed with four nurses and a handful of med students holding clipboards, surrounding me and wanting to know if I'd like a "wipe down". I said yes thinking it was some sort of sponge bath but turns out a wipe down is when all the med students take turns smacking you in the head with an empty two liter bottle of soda. When their hands start to cramp from all the smacking, one of them drives a pick-up truck into the room and tries to ramp over the bed.
No amount of pleading with these freaks could get them to understand the physics of what they were about to attempt. "That goddamn truck won't make it up to speed in this tiny room!" I cried.
"Perhaps you'd like another wipe down," says an exceptionally mean looking Asian.
Before I can answer, Store Manager comes crashing in from the hallway caring not one, not two, but three of his girlfriends and starts betting all the med students he's a better dancer than they are.
I can't remember what happened after that. A documentary about human trafficking came on PBS and I wanted to see if I knew anyone featured in the program.

Jimmy
I tackle similar themes in my one man show. It's called "Putting the "I" in jImmy". It's full of stories, songs, ventriloquism, magic tricks, comedy, tickle fights, cross dressing, impressions, physics lectures, complimentary prostate exams, and my patented home made Dr. Pepper. My philosophy is, if I can make one person smile, it's all worth it. And since I haven't come across that one person yet, I'm gonna keep trying.

Zane
First of all, your one man show sounds fantastic. Is there anyway you could write me a part in it? It could be called "Putting the 'I' in jImmy. The one man show featuring Zane and Jimmy. Two guys, acting together on the same stage at the same time in a one-man show that guarantees to please. It's the only one man show of it's kind folks! If you only see one one-man show this year make it 'Putting the 'I' in jImmy. The one man show featuring Zane and Jimmy. Two guys, acting together on the same stage at the same time in a one-man show that guarantees to please. It's the only one man show of it's kind folk! If you only see one one-man show this year make it 'Putting the 'I' in jImmy....
Oh, boy. This title seems a bit wordy.

Jimmy
Maybe we could rename the show "Putting the Jimmy in Zane". We might get audience members with the wrong idea, but hey, ticket sales are ticket sales.

Zane
I love it. I'm not sure what "idea" the audience could get wrong. It's a one-man show featuring two guys and one guy "puts" or "rams" something into the other. Seems like a straightforward idea to me.
Real quick. I have an idea for the show. Since one of the themes is pickle fights, how about we rig up every seat in the audience with some form of restraint system that locks their arms and legs in place, and once they're locked up we have a guy dressed up in a pickle costume crack everyone in the head with a ball bat. Whatdaya say?

Jimmy
My only concern with that is that people may accuse us of ripping off the climax to The King and I.


And here is the rest of it. Read more!

Jimmy and Zane Remix

Check out this episode!

Read more!

Two Friends Talking About Chainsaws and Breathing Air and Hector w/Jimmy and Zane

Zane
That is true. I never thought about it but goddammit if it ain't true. Kids (infants and toddlers) just don't make good trolley operators. I've been riding infant driven trolleys for years and I've never put two and two together before. I wonder what other potentially dangerous situations I'm needlessly putting myself into? There's that blind man that I let practice his sword choppin' in my bedroom while I'm sleeping. That one could maybe use a little rethinking. I know, I'll move him into my son's room. It's much roomier.

Jimmy
Speaking of dangerous, how bout those chainsaws? Great for chopping down trees, yeah, but put them into the hands of a maniac and you've got a real bloodbath on your hands. I don't know why scientists keep making chainsaws. Just asking for trouble in my opinion.

Zane
Chainsaws are nothing but a fly in your soup compared to some of the real dangers in this world. Air? Ever try breathing this stuff? Me either and I won't start now just because a couple of ding-bat science types want me to. Fuck'em. What about that stuff that falls out of your butt every now and then? Ever eat that stuff? I do. I love it. Had a couple of guys from the lodge tell me that they were thinking of cancelling my membership because I eat it. Fuck them too. If they think I'm going to stop eating my ass candy surprises just to stay a member of some shitty lodge that doesn't even have the common courtesy to post the pictures I took of my dog giving birth in their silly newsletter, then they clearly have no idea who the fuck they're dealing with. Harold, the Lodge Master, says the picture where too "graphic" and that the pictures of the mom eating the afterbirth were "gross". Fuck him too. Fuck him hard in his ass.

Jimmy
Well that was quite a rant but I have to say I agree with you 100 percent. If you ask me, any lodge, cult, or clan should make very clearly their policy regarding the eating of anal leavings. Cause other wise, how would you know? Do they think you're psychic? And if so, what would make them think that? Was it the time you won the office Oscar pool? Cause that ain't psychic ability, that was all luck.

Zane
That was quite a rant. I had to go back and read it again because I think I was in some sort of rant trance when I originally wrote it. I've been going in and out of trances a lot lately. They usually kick in Monday through Friday starting at about 7 a.m. and end sometime after 5 p.m. It's like I'm in some sort of zombie state where I don't really care what's happening and I'm just going through the motions of life. I just can't imagine that that's good for a person but I don't know what to do about it. I've asked a couple of my lodge brothers what I should do about it and they all said "Ew! Gross! Get away from me you shit eating scumbag!"

Jimmy
Sorry it's taken me a while to write back. I was in a coma for a few years. To make matters worse, while I was out my long lost evil twin Hector returned from the Bermuda Triangle. Posing as me, he managed to take over the family business which was rightfully meant to be mine. The worst part is, all of this could have been avoided if only I had taken that fortune cookie more seriously.

Zane
Fucking Hector. He never was nothing but trouble. I thought you said that as long as you held the Amulet of Sarsaparilla and drank that potion with the lumpy green stuff in it Hector couldn't escape the Triangles power. What gives mi amigo?

Jimmy
I left the amulet on the bus one day. I was gonna call lost and found, but there was a documentary on PBS about candle making and I got wrapped up in it.

Zane
That was a real bone head thing to do. That amulet was worth about a hundred bucks. Eh, whatcha gonna do? I got caught up in that same show and forgot to give my dog's puppies their heart worm medication so they all got a nasty case of heart worms now. Heart worms sound cool and all but they are not. Did you know they kill puppies? Gross isn't it.





And here is the rest of it. Read more!