Jimmy
I can't speak for Jesus Christ, but I can tell you what my Mexican friend Jesus Hernandez thinks, and pal let me tell ya, he's none too pleased.
Zane
I bet not. How's Jesus Hernandez doing nowadays? Is he still healing lepers and walking on water?
Jimmy
No. He spends a great deal of his time smoking weed and racing slot cars. He says the lepers can fend for themselves.
Zane
That Jesus is one crazy S.O.B.! I heard someone say that he's never even won a single race. They said that when the race started he just sat there in his stupid slot car and was all like, what's going on? I mean c'mon Jesus, at least put the silly thing is gear. Did you know that the entry fee just to enter a race like that is around a thousand smackers? I wish I had that sort of dinero to flat out waste like that. He's loco. I sure as fuck wouldn't waste it on entry fees to races that I'm not going to attempt to win. What is he thinking Jimmy!?
Jimmy
He wasn't raised right. You've heard the phrase "raised by wolves", well he was literally raised by wolves. So, if you ever meet him and he tries to eat you, please don't take it personally.
Zane
Hold your goddamn horses! You're telling me that Jesus Hernandez was literally raised by actual no-shit horses?! I mean wolves!? That explains why he's always wearing sheep clothing, running in packs, and putting too much paprika in his deviled eggs. Well, maybe not the deviled eggs but definitely the other two. Either way, he can go jump out of a window. I'm through with that nonsense. I'm considering suing the fuck out of him or even slamming his head in a car door like an old-timey mobster tough guy would do. I always wanted to be a mobster tough guy but they wouldn't let me join because of the pretty dresses I always wore and because I was always dancing around pretending to be a ball-room ballerina. They didn't think I fit in with their "image".
Jimmy
Hey, what's the deal with deviled eggs? Are they eggs laid by the Devil? Am I going to Hell because I think they're delicious? And what's the deal with Starbucks? Why are they so expensive? And why do they have weird names for their cup sizes. It's like I gotta learn a whole new language just to get some cotton pickin' coffee. "I'd like a large, please." I say. "You mean grande?", they reply. "No, you little freak, a large!", I exclaim. "Sir, please put your penis back in your pants.", the manager cries.
Zane
Those are all valid questions and I wish I had an answer for them but I don't so get off my fucking back about it you nag!. On second thought, I do have an answer to why Starbucks is so expensive. It's because morons (me included but only sometimes) will pay whatever price they ask. I swear to fucking God that if Starbucks came out with a "super premium" blend and charged $20 a cup for it, they sell through the fucking roof. People would be lined up for miles to buy one. There'd be riots in every major city. People would literally kill each other just to say they bought one. Then after a couple days of this nonsense a few hipsters would blog about how it's sooo uncool to drink $20 cups of coffee and everyone would go back to doing heroin and making shitty music that four people like just because four people have heard it. A fifth person will then listen to the music, like it and that music instantly isn't cool anymore.
It's all a bunch of horseshit if you ask me.
Jimmy
I wonder if horses ever get self conscious that people compare negative things to horse shit. If someone compared my shit to something bad I'd be like, "Well excuse me!" I'd say it sarcastically, of course.
Zane
That exact thing happened to me about a year and a half ago. I was standing in line at Starbucks, waiting patiently for my grande latte frappichino with a double shot of espresso presso messo and the guy in front of me had the wrong coffee handed to him. He acted like a real jerk and told the barista the she needed to "go fuck herself" then compared the service he received to "Zane's shit". I was flabbergasted as you could imagine. I said "Well excuse me!" but I forgot to add any sarcasm to it ended just sounding like I was annoyed that it was taking so much time to have my order taken. The guy and the barista looked right at me and both gave the "Do you mind. I'm doing something here" look and I was so embarrassed that I fell on the ground and cried and let people step on me.
Jimmy
Forgive me for saying so but it sounds like you took the easy way out. When people step on you, you can't cry, you have to act like you enjoy it. Don't give them the satisfaction of letting them see you cry. Smile, give them the thumbs up if you have to, just make it convincing. That way they won't go home and write a letter to their grandma bragging about how they stepped on some guy and made him cry.
Zane
You know what, you are absolutely right. What the fuck is wrong with me? I'm a failure, I'm a cry baby, I'm not very smart, and I forgot to put gas in my car while I was out running errands this afternoon. I'm a piece of shit. People have been stepping on me for years now and I just lay there and take it like an old man in a coma takes a sponge bath. I'm going to take your advice and stop crying and start smiling. Sure, I'll get walked on just the same but I'm not giving them any more ammo for their jerk cannons. Starting today or tomorrow the new Zane is stepping out, laying down, and getting stepped on by anyone and everyone that has two feet and I fucking promise to God that I'll even accommodate motherfuckers in wheelchairs by flattening out as much as possible or rolling a little bit so that they can humiliate me as well!
Jimmy
Good for you. A little humiliation never hurt anyone. It's like that guy from The Crying Game. He found out the chick he made out with was a guy, but he said, "Ya know what, I'm not gonna let this fella's penis rain on my parade." A few years later, they got married and had a baby. And that baby went on to become radio sensation Casey Kasem.
And here is the rest of it.
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