Love and Fire Works

INT. FIRE WORKS STORE - DAY

JUDY and WILL are throwing unlit fire crackers at one another, laughing. Judy is running too fast and she knocks over a case of apple pies. MR. DOORSLAMMER bursts in from the back room and angrily shoots Judy with a 9mm pistol.





JUDY
(crying)
Hello Mr. Doorslammer. Thanks for shooting me.

MR. DOORSLAMMER
You're welcome.

Mr. Doorslammer starts jumping up and down on one leg.

WILL
Mr. Doorslammer please! It wasn't Judy's fault. It was mine.

JUDY
(crawling to the phone)
Oh Will! I'll die unless I get to that phone!

MR. DOORSLAMMER
Not so fast!

Mr. Doorslammer shoots Judy some more.

MR. DOORSLAMMER (cont)
It's your turn Will. I'm going to make you pay for what
you've done to me.

WILL
Please, I'm sure there's another way.

MR. DOORSLAMMER
Well, I guess you could help me get something heavy out of my
garage.

WILL
(pulls out a chainsaw)
The tables have turned haven't they!

MR. DOORSLAMMER
Fuck, that's a nice chainsaw.

WILL
(accidentally throws chainsaw into the lake)
I love you chainsaw!

MR. DOORSLAMMER
You're not so fucking tough without that chainsaw are you?

WILL
Maybe, maybe not. But just where do you think you're
going without this!

Will pulls a car engine out of his back pocket.

MR. DOORSLAMMER
You fool! That car engine will never join you! And the crank
shaft differential rod piston hammer spacer manifold block is
about to fall on your head!

WILL
I'm not falling for that old trick.

There is a loud explosion outside. Police rush in through the front door. CAPT. JOCKSTRAP starts to question the two.

CAPT. JOCKSTRAP
Who's this dead girl?

WILL
(crying)
That's my wife.

Will drops down to Judy's side. She's naked now.

WILL (CONT)
Who took all her cloths off?

CAPT. JOCKSTRAP
(sighs)
You weren't cut out for all this, were ya kid?
Get him out of here!
Read more!

The Apocalypse Is Taking Too Long

Members of a Russian cult who confined themselves to a cave to save themselves from the apocalypse have come out of the cave after growing tired of waiting for the end of the world.

The christian cult made a home in the cave in November of 1999, just in time for Y2K. Being christians, they knew that God does not enjoy caves, so hiding in one would keep them safe from his rapture.

Local authorities originally tried to persuade the group to leave the cave for safety reasons, but then forgot about them after a few months.

The cult consisted of 47 members orginally, including 11 children less than two years old. Thirty-four members made the trek out of the cave back into the real world, claiming the other 13 weren't ready to leave yet. When in reality, it's obvious that they ate them.

The cult's leader, who happens to have a nice 'apartment' in the local psychiatric hospital is glad to hear his followers are safe.

"What? They were still down there?" the cookoo said. "Fuck, I'd completely forgot about them. Man did I have my math wrong on that one."

The second coming of the Lord and imminent end of the world has been rescheduled for June, 23 2011.

Read more!

Pastor Loves Strippers

A New York pastor who has been missing since early last week was found outside an Ohio strip club this weekend.

The pastor was enjoying some drinks and titties when cops decided to run his plates and realize he had been reported missing.

When confronted by police outside the club he pulled the 'crazy old man' card by claiming he didn't know where he was or how he got there.

"I wanted to punch the fucker. I hate when people play that shit. We're not fucking idiots," the officer who found him said.

The strippers claim he was more than coherent inside the club, ordering drink after drink and using obsessive profanity.

"That dude totally loved titties," said dancer Candy Titties, better known by her stage name, 'Tasha.' "He kept screaming, 'I LOVE TITTIES!!!!!' And he kept thanking God for titties. That didn't make any sense. But I guess since he's a pastor it makes all sorts of sense. They have to thank God for things."

In his three hours spent inside the club, the pastor accumulated a tab with 24 shots and six lap dances. He also offered one of the strippers money to come back to his hotel with him and fuck him silly.

"It doesn't make any sense," the pastor's distraught wife said. "I show him my titties all the time. Sometimes I even let him touch them."

The pastor left his house early last week, claiming he was going to the local Best Buy to get some new porn. That was the last he was seen until the strip club incident.

His family was set to leave for a family vacation to Disney World the day after his trip to Best Buy. Friends and family allege this is the reason he took off.

"I didn't wanna fucking see Mickey and Minnie," the pastor said. "I wanted kitty and titties."

The pastor will return to work this Sunday with his sermon, "God Ain't Your Homeboy." Services begin at 11am with Sunday school starting at 9am. Read more!

Douche Cop Can't Take Ass Smack

A Denver area Douche of a cop has pissed off other less douchey cops after his doucheness has gotten a fellow officer suspended for 45 days.

The douche cop filed a complaint after a coworker innocently smacked him on the ass as he bent over to grab keys off of his desk.

"If you're going to stick it out, I'm going to hit it," the suspended cop stated. "It's like a dude rule. It's not like I pulled my dick out, pulled his pants down and then penetrated his ass until I shamed him by ejaculating inside him in front of all our coworkers. If that was the case, I'd understand the suspension."

The incident happened in August, and the higher powers knew it was a douchey complaint, so they had hoped it would go away. But it didn't, and they eventually had to do something just to shut the douche up.

"It's gross overkill. It's like executing somebody for blowing their nose and not washing their hands," said one of the people on the punishment committee. "It's not like he pulled his pants down, got down on his knees and proceeded to lick his asshole until he shamed him by causing him to ejaculate from anal stimulation in front of all of their coworkers. If that was the case, I'd understand the suspension."

The ass smack is a common bonding method among men. Many fear that the incident this douche has spawned will put a hamper on ass smacking across the country.

"It's human nature. Dude's smack other dude's asses," says ass smack historian Harry Hardy. "Now, dudes all over are going to be concerned that smacking another dude's ass will result in some sort of punishment, and that shouldn't be the case."

The timing of this story couldn't come at a worse time, with National Smack Another Dude On The Ass Day coming up on April 3. Read more!