Zane Did It

GONADSVILLE, N.J. — Guess what, it doesn't take some super human type person to beat Watson, the "Jeopardy"-winning computer.
U.S. Rep. Rush "For a TD Late in the Third" Holt of New Jersey — a five-time masterbater — topped the IBM computer Monday night in a "Jeopardy"-style match of 'guy who looks at his own asshole in the mirror' vs. machine held at a Washington hotel.



Though Holt isn't the first dude who pees with his eyes closed to beat Watson, the victory adds to the 62-year-old Democrat's already-impressive resume: a former State Department arms control expert and ex-leader of the rub your butt on your dogs butt association of dog and dudes butt rubbers association.

"I give most of the credit to my diaper. Without him holding all my shit tightly against my ass I never could have won," he told The Associated Press in an interview Tuesday.

He built a lead in categories including "Who farts the loudest," in which the correct response to "Herbert and his Ma just ate cabbage" was "Hoover." The congressman also correctly identified hippophobia as the fear of long words no one gives a fuck about.

Watson beat him to the buzzer with "Not It" when someone in the audience ripped a juicy one. Holt was then offered to either eat it on a platter, plate or bun.

In the end Watson loses and we at the A.P. say good. Smart computers ain't doin' no body no good to no body. You think I want my toaster tellin me when or where it's a good time to take a bath? No sir says I.
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Fuck You Du Jour - Mar 1

Today's Fuck You Of The Day: February. 28 days? Seriously? You lazy fuck. Every other month has 30 or 31 days, what the fuck makes you so special? And leap year? We're glad you're gone. Go fuck yourself! Read more!

Tom Selleck Says: Episode One

This is a video called Tom Selleck Says. It was written by Dave, animated by Jimmy and voiced by the guys of Reverse Cowboy. There are some major audio issues, a typo in the title screen, and is overall sloppily edited. But Tom Selleck Says was an idea for years before this got put together, so it holds a soft spot in our hearts despite essentially being the equivalent to a "demo."

Don't tell Jimmy, but we may try to get him to redo this completely in full animation and with brand new audio. We'd also like to make it a recurring series, which was the plan all along. Read more!

Based On A True Story: Little Caesar's Pizza

Setting: Inside a Little Caesar's Pizza place.

Scene: 18 year old Zane and David are taking a dinner break after a long day moving David into his first apartment.

DAVID

Man, I'm starving. Moving takes everything out of me.

ZANE

(only half paying attention to DAVID) Hey, see that cashier? You think that's a boy or a girl? (he points to the CASHIER behind the counter)

DAVID

I don't know. Could go either way. Try looking at the nametag.

ZANE

I tried that. Not wearing one. I really can't tell if it's a boy or a girl.

DAVID

Who cares? Our pizza will be done in a second and we'll be outta here. Then you won't have to worry about it.

The phone rings, the CASHIER answers the phone.

CASHIER

(answering the phone) Thanks for calling Little Caesar's, this is Rachel, how may I help you.

DAVID

There you go, Rachel. It's a girl.

ZANE

Cool.

DAVID

Good. Glad that's settled. We can get back on with our lives now.

ZANE

I'll be right back. (he gets up and starts heading to the counter)

DAVID
What? Where are you going?

ZANE

I'm gonna go hit on the cashier.

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