Latest Creations

Here is the pilot episode of The Father and Son Podcast. We'll be changing the name next time we record because some other fuck heads already have a podcast with that name. I'm thinking of Zane and Zane's Podcast. That's simple enough and I don't think anyone else will have taken that name.

You have click on the dog animation to see it all. I forgot to save it on a continuous loop. Read more!

Horror at the Stuff Store and Library

This is a true fucking story.

I bought some shit at the store today. A couple of shirts and some paint and comic books and toilet paper and some other shit. There were 8 items total so I went to the 10 items or less lane. This is the part that will blow a normal persons head straight off their fucking neck. The lady looks at my basket and has the nerve to tell me "This is the 10 item or less lane!" Fuck you lady! I only have 8 items! Holy shit, what a bitch. I was all like "I only have 8 items and I'm going to count them all out for you really loud so everyone in the store will know what a rude bitch you are!" She kept saying that wasn't necessary but I did it anyway. Fuck her.

So then I go to the library. I get my books and take them to the counter and the old library guy looks at the books and asks "Do you want to check these out?" Are you serious you piece of shit! No, I don't want to check these out. I just spent 20 minutes looking for books that I thought you, a total stranger, would like to read. Fuck you buddy!

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Promissory Note

I bought a new car a few months ago. Nothing special. It's a Ford Fiesta or Ford Mexican Party. I'm sure that joke's been made before. It's not a bad car but I don't think there's anything about it that make me want to wear a sombrero and smash a pinata. No one should need a car to make them want to do that anyway. I got a loan through my bank for this car and I bought the car and now I'm driving the car and I really thought that was all there was to it. Not so says the bank. Turns out there's something called a "promissory note" that I'm suppose to give to the bank. They'll already given me the loan! If they needed me to pinky promise that I'd pay the loan back why didn't the 1)have me do that before they gave me a bunch of money or 2)if they're that worried about me not "promising" to pay the loan back, don't give me the loan! What jerk off at the bank comes up with a promissory note?

"Hello, I'm a big smart-ass banker and I have a shit load of money but before I give any of it to you you'll have to super duper promise to pay me back. No? Okay, I'll give you the money, let you drive around in your Mexican Party car and then send you a shit load of complicated paperwork for you to sign then I'll just keep sending it back to you every other day letting you know what a dipshit I think you are because you can't follow all of our very specific rules for filling out this paperwork".

I have literally sent these mother fuckers this "promissory note" three times and every time it comes back saying I either didn't initial someplace or I didn't sign something or I didn't put a check mark someplace or I didn't use number two pencil lead, it's quite possibly the most difficult paperwork in the history of paperwork and this is coming from a guy who had to fill out all the paperwork for his wife's green card.

Tomorrow I'm just going to go to the bank with my homework and I'm going to explain to the bank lady that I'm just too fucking stupid to figure this out and she's going to have to walk me through everything step by step like you would a little kid.

And here is the rest of it. Read more!

My Horse Pictures

Everyone loves looking at pictures of horses and I'd be one of those goddamn sonsofbitches if I said any different. They're absolutely beautiful. Every time I see a well framed picture of a horse I start acting strange. The hair on the back of my hands stand up and my knees get weak. My butt muscles start to spasm and my crotch sweats. I start talking in tongues and I'm liable to break my legs off. If there are any Spanish speaking teens nearby then they'll get an old Christmas card handed to them. I rip all my clothing off except for my shirt. My boners start to smell. I'll put a condom on the first dog that looks like they could take it and no amount of Girl Scout cookies will stop me. My Mr. Rodgers impressions get much much better. I won't be able to remember the names of my eldest cousins. Bricks and feathers will seem to weigh and taste the same. There are some other things but they're a little silly.

No amount of money could keep me away from my pictures of horses. I bet a rich guy once that he couldn't get me to think about another picture of a horse once I started looking and one picture of a horse. Of course I won even though he didn't take the bet. I told him he didn't take the bet because he knew he'd lose. He said he didn't take the bet because my handshakes were a little too rough for his liking. Fuck him. He ended up taking a bet from another guy. Read more!