Happy Thanksgiving!

When I was six years old my father told me that we only eat turkey on Thanksgiving because turkeys are poisonous any other time of the year. He said it had something to do with the first frost of the year and how the cold weather killed this deadly bacteria that lived in turkey blood and how if you ate a turkey before this bacteria was dead you'd shit your insides out and die on the toilet. Of course now I know this is total bullshit and that my dad's an asshole for telling that. Turkeys are safe to eat year round and actually do taste better if killed and eaten in late summer.

I hope everyone has a great Thanksgiving. It's unrealistic to ask God to not kill anyone this Thanksgiving but I know he will.

Koreans don't celebrate Thanksgiving and I bet they were secretly rooting for the Indians all those years ago.

Buying the biggest turkey in the store, for me, is a huge thrill. I love walking up to the counter with a massive, steroid injected, freak of a bird, throwing it on the belt driven counter breaking it, having security called on me because I'm now screaming "You ruined my bird!", getting thrown in prison, meeting a nice Muslim man who teaches me all about his crazy religion, getting released on good behavior, and then going home and eating some of that juicy bird.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Love,

Zane

And here is the rest of it. Read more!

Happy Birthday David!

And here is the rest of it. Read more!

Two Friends Talking About Their Uncle Chester and Breakfast Nooks and Balls w/Jimmy and Zane

Zane
Alright, that's great. Thanks for sharing that. I know it can be difficult sometimes for people to discuss Columbus Day but you fought through the hurt and came out on the other side with a pair of "clean jeans" as my great uncle Chester used to say. Uncle Chester was an idiot of course but I think that goes without saying.

Jimmy
I understand, I have an Uncle Chester of my own. Only we call him Uncle Earl because his name's Earl and he's my mom's brother. Anyway, one day ol Uncle Earl flops his ball sack out onto the breakfast nook and says to me, "This do anything for ya?" That was a birthday party I'll never forget.

Zane
You'll never forget? It's a birthday that haunts me to this very day! If you remember it was my head that Uncle Earl grabbed onto to balance himself right before he hiked his nasty leg up on that breakfast nook and whipped his balls out. I remember thinking "this ain't right," but before I could protest your Aunt Earlma grabbed me and put me in a headlock and threatened to "twist my head off" if I went to the police. It was right around that time the police did come in and started shooting the place all to pieces. I took two to the chest and your head was blown clean off. I thought for certain that the cops were going to turn their pistols on Uncle Earl next but instead they all just went to admiring his balls and I overheard one of them say something like "those balls are really doing it for me" and another one say "I'm getting all worked up staring at them there balls." Those cops were NOT doing things by the book and that's why I've always wanted to be a rouge cops who bursts into birthday parties and shoots people.

Jimmy
Oh that was you. I'll be honest with you, I'm a clone. I don't remember every detail about who I was cloned from, just what I'm told or programmed to remember. I hope you can understand my embarrassment and I ask that you please not tell anyone about my cloning situation.

Zane
I'm beginning to think that you've been fucking with me this entire time. I don't believe you're a clone, I don't believe that you're Miss Tuesday, and I certainly don't believe you're name is James (Jimmy) Cole. Who the hell is this and what have you done with my friend Jimmy? I need to speak with him ASAP. I need to tell him about this one time I thought I saw a bunch of kids planning a bank robbery. If you see him before I do, tell him that the kids weren't really planning a bank robbery, they were just fucking around with a pointed stick.

Jimmy
Well, kids will be kids. But then again, what else would they be? Trolley conductors? Cause I'll tell ya right now, I'll be damned if I'm gonna ride on a trolley with some toddler behind the wheel. Little bastard has to sit in a booster seat cause he can't see over the trolley dashboard. And you just know he's not concentrating on steering the darned thing. No sir, all he's thinking about is a shiny new rattle, or, I dunno, Shrinky Dinks or whatever the hell kids are into nowadays.

A kid just wouldn't be a good fit as a trolley conductor is all I'm trying to say.

And here is the rest of it. Read more!

Two Friends Talking About Columbus Day and Soup Shampoo and Goofballs w/Jimmy and Zane

Zane
Is that true? Legendary disc jockey and all-around great guy Casey Kasem is the love child of those two pervs from the Crying Game? It just goes to show you, you can't judge a book by it's cover or even the words written inside it. You can't judge it by the publisher or the movie that was made based off of it. You certainly can't judge it by the lack of pictures or the violent crimes committed by the author. You can't judge it by the song I'm currently writing in my head "Can't Judge This" which of course is a parody of "U Must Trust Miss" which was written and performed by the lovely Miss Tuesday the gender bending sensation that's sweeping the nation. Holy shit, we've come full circle. Miss Tuesday is the love child of Casey Kasem and that chick who's really a dude from the Crying Game!

Jimmy
Some people accuse me of being Miss Tuesday because they never see me and her in the same place at the same time. But when I turn it around on them and say I've never seen them and Miss Tuesday together, they get all defensive and pour soup on my head. Jokes on them though, cause I really am Miss Tuesday (and hey, free soup!)

Zane
I always wondered why you smelled like soup and don't think for a second that I bought your bologna excuse about you using a new soup shampoo. Soup shampoo just doesn't work. It never has and it never will. The shampoo molecule is composed of a long non-polar hydrocarbon chain which give it the properties to mix with and also "trap" oils leaving your hair silky and smooth. Soup just cannot do this. The soup molecule is composed almost entirely of the tomato element which is loosely bonded to the noodle, or in some rare circumstances a cracker molecule. This combination, although tasty, just doesn't cut the mustard for cleaning hair effectively.

Jimmy
Fire doesn't clean hair very well either. "Why would you try to clean your hair with fire?" you might ask. What are you writing my biography or something?

Zane
Yeah but I'm not going to get very far if you keep that attitude up Mr. Man. How the heck am I going to write a decent bio on you if I can't include all the dirty little details that make you so interesting. He cleans his hair with fire, he has a pet raccoon, he eats his body weight in chocolate every 24 hours, he's the oldest living member of the Jackson 5, you know, shit like that. C'mon man, you gotta give me something!

Jimmy
I apologize for my outburst. I just get so crazy around the holidays. Although this is nothing to the way I am around Columbus Day. You wanna see a real bitch, catch me on that holiday.

Zane
I'd hate to see that. I've heard stories about you on Columbus Day and they weren't pretty if you know what I mean. Do you? Know what I mean? Jeez, I'll explain it. The stories I heard painted you in an unfavorable light, they where unbecoming of your character, they didn't bode well with the masses. In other words, before the stories were told someone might have said something like, "Jimmy? He's a swell guy." And after that same person heard just one of these terrible stories that person would have jumped off a tall building while screaming and tearing his hair off the top of this head. All of this makes me want to ask you a question. What is it about Columbus Day that turns you into such a monster? I'll understand if you don't feel like sharing.

Jimmy
My problem is the ridiculous manner in which this goofball Columbus dresses. If I remember my history correctly, in 1992 Columbus sailed the ocean blue. I don't know about you, but in 1992 I was wearing overalls backwards with one strap undone, I wasn't dressed like some dumbass. This jokester Columbus dresses like he stepped out of Shakespeare times, "discovers" America, and they give the guy his own damn holiday! I'm sorry but that just bursts my bowels.

And here is the rest of it. Read more!