Quotes from fake people

"Well if our butts weren't glued together then maybe I'd enjoy the basketball game more!"

"I masterbated so hard last night my dogs even started licking themselves."

"If I get asked about this cock I'm sucking one more time I swear to God I'll scream!"

"Don't blame me, I'm the one who said we should of used rubber trash cans."

"Eat all the fucking almonds why don't you!"

(two kids talking)
"Hey Bill, wanna skip rope?"

"No thanks, my mom said not to skip rope today."

"Well, do you wanna go run around in traffic?"

"That sounds dangerous."

"No shit it's dangerous. There's huge cars that'll run us over and make us fucked."

"My uncle got all fucked once and now he just lays around and watches porno."

"That gives me an idea. Let's draw pictures of our favorite porno scenes."

"I don't think I have enough brown and yellow crayons to properly draw my favorite scene."
(end)

Read more!

The Guylight Saga: New Poon

The Guylight Saga: New Poon is the first part of The Guylight Trilogy.

It was animated by Jimmy and written & voiced by Dave. With special thanks to Matt Liller and Zane.

If you like it, please share and pass it along to your friends.

Stay tuned for the second part of The Guylight Trilogy coming in 2012!!

Read more!

Juggalohio

Juggalohio is an internet sitcom created by Dave and his buddy Tony Hartman. It's about Kyle Graves, a normal 20-something trying to balance his professional office job and his pot selliing Juggalo roommates. It also features animated opening credits by Jimmy.

This is the first episode of the seven episode first season. The entire first season can be seen at www.Juggalohio.com and a two part Christmas episode will be plopping under your internet trees this December.

Juggalohio can also be found on Twitter and Facebook. Read more!

Mermate

Two fisherman encounter the unexpected on a slow fishing day.

Animated by Jimmy. Written by Dave & Zane. Voiced by Dave. Read more!

Box Office Roundup - 11/11

Thank you, American movie goers. In honor of Veteran's Day, we rallied together as a Country and honored our Uniformed Heroes by not allowing Jack And Jill to take the weekend crown.

The Top

Immortals, which is a movie that is not actually 300, took the top spot this weekend with a strong opening of $32 million. Immortals was released by Relativity Media and lacked the major marketing push that 300 had. And it showed. 300 opened to $71 million, which, if you’re keeping score at home, is more than $32 million.

The movie stars Henry Cavill, who is playing Superman in the next Superman movie, which is directed by Zack Snyder, who directed 300, which Immortals looks a lot like. That was fun.

Immortals was directed by Tarsem, who also saw a number one opening in 2000 when The Cell opened with $17.5 million. It’s only his third feature. His second one, The Fall, never got a wide release, which is a shame because it is a phenominal movie.

The movie is another success for the Mickey Rourke comeback run. Its $32 million is a little more than the $29 million Sin City opened with to kickoff his career resurgence in 2005, but is less than what Iron Man 2 ($128 million) and The Expendables($34.8 million) opened to last year.

Immortals also stars Freida Pinto. There’s no need to compare this to her past movies, let’s instead all just take a second to think about how ridiculously beautiful she is.

The Rest
Jack And Jill didn’t open in first place, but it wasn’t all good news as it still earned $26 million to take second place. It’s on the lower end for an Adam Sandler comedy, but that’s still too much.

Jack And Jill looked like one of the movies too stupid to be real that his character in Judd Apatow’s Funny People would star in. Sadly, Funny People opened with less at $22.6 million, and it’s actually one of only two Sandler comedies to open with less than Jack And Jill since late 1998. Little Nicky was the other one when it opened with $16 million in 2000.

The lead actor playing twins isn’t always a bad thing, as Nicolas Cage proved in 2002 with the amazing Adaptation. Depressingly though, that movie only earned $22 million during its entire theatrical run, which is less than Jack And Jill opened with.

It also opened with more than the entire theatrical runs of Punch Drunk Love ($17.8 million) and Reign Over Me ($19.6 million), two great movies where Adam Sandler actually tried to act and did it well.

Puss In Boots continues to hold strong despite a slow opening weekend, as it only saw a 23% dropoff in its third weekend to come in third with $25.5 million. It also showed that I really only have two weeks worth of vagina jokes before I have to start thinking about them.
Tower Heist fell 45% in its second weekend to land in fourth with $13.2 million. It sits at $43.9 million after 10 days, but seems likely to fade quickly and likely won’t reach its $75 million budget.

The powerful combination of Leonardo DiCaprio and Clint Eastwood didn’t make much of a dent as J. Edgar cross dressed its way to fifth place with $11.4 million.

That much star power seems like it would make more of an impression, but its actually right on par with where Eastwood is as a director. Since 2003, his movies have generally made between $8-13 million upon opening wide, with the exception of Gran Torino’s $29 million in 2008.

A Very Harold Harold & Kumar 3D Christmas plummeted 55% to $5.9 million in its second weekend for sixth place. It’s fading fast, but has already exceeded it’s $19 million budget as it sits at $23 million after 10 days.

In Time pushed its total earnings to over $30 million by adding on another $4 million for seventh. It may not quite reach its $40 million budget, but it’ll come close.

Paranormal Activity 3 surpassed the $100 million milestone as it added another $3.6 million to round out the Top 8.

The Worst
Melancholia earned $265,000 while opening on 19 screens. Those aren’t bad numbers at all, but this movie is really, really bad.

Next

Shit gets real next weekend as Happy Feet 2 and The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Part One both look to fight the current batch of releases for that top spot. It’s gonna be the age-old battle of Families vs. Horny Teenage Girls.

Speaking of Twilight, check back here at RandomStain.com on Wednesday of this week when we release the first part of our new animated trilogy, The GuyLight Saga Presents: New Poon.

Read more!

Box Office Roundup - 11/4

None of the weekend’s new competition was able to dry up the Puss of last week’s winner as it put on its Boots and hiked to the top spot again.
The Top
Last week’s winner, the Shrek spinoff Puss In Boots, held incredibly strong at the box office this weekend to dominate for the second weekend in a row. It saw only a 3% dropoff and added another $33 million to its total.

While a 3% dropoff is wildly impressive, the first Shrek movie actually saw a .3% increase in its second weekend. The other three Shreks saw declines of at least 33% in their second weekends, but those were all summer releases, and hard to truly compare to an early fall performance.

To be more fair, Megamind saw a 36% dropoff in its second weekend. In 2008, Madagascar 2 saw a 44% drop in weekend two. Both of those opened this weekend, as opposed to Puss’s Halloween weekend. They also each opened much stronger.

Puss In Boot’s opening was among the worst for a Dreamworks animated release, but it’s righted the ship with its strong second weekend showing and won’t go down as a complete failure. It will, however, make future family releases think twice before opening on Halloween weekend.

If all this talk about Puss has got you in the mood to watch a movie with the word ‘Boots’ in the title, I suggest you watch 2006’s Kinky Boots. It stars Joel Edgerton, who you probably didn’t see in Warrior and The Thing over the past few months, and the always amazing Chiwotel Ejiofor as a drag queen hell bent on saving Edgerton’s boot factory. Kinky Boots has a lot more dresses than Puss In Boots, but way less kitty.

Speaking of Puss, why is it that so many girls hate the word ‘moist’?

The Rest
Tower Heist was able to avoid the recent rash of bombs by movies loaded with star power, as the Ben Stiller/Eddie Murphy heist comedy took second place with $24 million. It was on par with recent Ben Stiller comedies, which usually open in the $25-28 million range, but still didn’t open as strong as movies where Eddie Murphy wears a fat suit.

For Eddie Murphy, it’s been family movies, Dreamgirls and the train wreck that was Meet Dave since 2003, so it’s nice to see him return to something more along the line of his great movies from earlier in his career. Striking Meet Dave from the record, his last adult aimed comedy was I, Spy in 2002. It opened to just under $13 million. Earlier that year he saw a $15 million opening with Showtime. If you forget that The Adventures Of Pluto Nash came out between those two and bombed with a $2 million opening, then 2002 was a great year for Eddie Murphy making comedies.

Sorry to go off on an Eddie Murphy tangent there, I just really miss Eddie Murphy. Aside from the Beverly Hills Cop series, I think The Golden Child is my favorite Eddie Murphy movie. I also think Metro and Bowfinger are both extremely underrated.

In third place with $12.9 milllion was A Very Harold & Kumar 3D Christmas. That’s slightly behind Harold & Kumar Escape From Guantanamo Bay’s $15 million in 2008, but more than double what the original earned on the way to White Castle in 2004.

Paranormal Activity 3 fell another 54% and added another $8 million to its total. It currently sits at $95 million, and should cross the $100 million mark this week, and may possibly surpass the $107 million the original Paranormal Activity earned in 2009.

Action star Justin Timberlake’s In Time came In Fourth with $7.5 million. It sits at $24 million after two weeks.

The stupid Footloose remake only dropped 19% from last week and came in sixth with $4.4 million. By next week, it will have doubled its $24 million budget. The original Footloose featured John Lithgow, who starred with Denzel Washington in Ricochet in 1991. Ricochet was a pretty awesome movie and didn’t involve any illegal dancing.

Real Steel continues to robot fight as it brought in another $3.4 million to take seventh. It will surpass its $80 million budget through the week, but entering the holiday season it seems unlikely it will make it to $100 million.

Johnny Depp staggered into eighth place as The Rum Diary only earned another $2.9 million and barely sits at $10 million after two weeks. It’s his weakest performing wide release since that movie in 1999 where his wife got all pissed about him going into space, The Astronaut’s Wife.

This is reaching a bit, but back in 2000 I “accidentally” stole a copy of The Astronaut’s Wife from my local video rental place along with a copy of Mumford. Mumford is a fantastic movie that I feel like only 10 people in the history of the world have seen.

Back to Johnny Depp, do you think there’s anybody on the planet that when you ask what their favorite Johnny Depp movie is and they with no hesitation and not jokingly answer Nick Of Time? That’d be a pretty weird answer and I’d definitely have to ask them to repeat it. I also don’t think I’d believe them after they said it a second time. I’d probably just end the conversation.

A whole ton of handsome round out the top 10 as the dreamboat combo of Ryan Gosling and George Clooney came in ninth with The Ides Of March and Brad Pitt is right behind them holding strong with Moneyball as it crossed the $70 million mark.

The Worst
Its not a failure of epic proportions or anything, and really isn’t surprising, but The Three Musketeers is fading out of theaters fast and won’t even reach a third of its $75 million budget before it’s out of theaters.

But instead of focusing on that, let’s look ahead for a second. Jack And Jill opens this weekend, and I beg of you, please, please, please America. Please let me write about that movie in this section next week. I swear to Christ almighty, if that movie opens in first place, I don’t even know what I’ll do, but it probably won’t be pretty. Please. Do not see Jack And Jill.

Next

DO NOT GO SEE JACK AND JILL PLEASE!! Also, Immortals opens and will try to make a pretty big impression with a super wide release. PLEASE DO NOT GO SEE JACK AND JILL!!!

Read more!

Spell Check with Google

This picture started out innocently enough. I drew this face and felt it needed something else to go along with it. Some words perhaps. The first phrase that popped into my head that made me laugh was Sexy Titties. I've been thinking of that ever since and it disturbs me a little. A very tiny little. Why the words 'sexy titties' popped into my head should be easy enough to understand. It's the fact that it made me laugh that's sort of weird. Not really, now that I'm thinking of it again. Putting the words SEXY TITTIES real big on some silly cartoon face for no reason is sort of funny. Either way, I had to look up how to spell the word titties. I didn't know if titties had one t or two so I googled the word titties. Normally when I'm spell checking through google words appear on that drop down thing and that lets me know if I'm spelling correctly or not but nothing with titties so I had to click the button. This brought me to a wonderful list of websites to which I have never had the pleasure of knowing existed. I'm not the type of guy who types random perverted words into search engines just to find porn. I'm not that type of guy because I'm afraid of getting a virus on my computer so I stick with one porn site that hasn't infected me yet. Well, the first site after searching titties seemed too tempting and I clicked. RateMyTitties.com it was. There was some shit about putting pics of girlfriends, wives, sisters, whatever up and people rating them. Good clean fun. I stayed on the site for awhile. You had to create a profile or some shit to rate the titties so I only had the pleasure of rating them in my head. It's not a bad site to visit if you want to see some good'ol fashion real women titties. It reminded me a lot of going to a biker ralley where any fat lady in her late fortys would whip out her saggy boobs for everyone to enjoy. I rate most of them 2's. My favorite picture was of this overweight red headed grandma, sitting on the floor spread eagle(white granny panties on) and there was a giant rebel flag hanging on the wall behind her. That one took me awhile to digest. I kept trying to imagine the events leading up to that picture being taken. My best guess is that she took the picture to send to her boyfriend who's locked up in the county pin for unpaid speeding tickets and marijuana possesion. She takes the picture and likes it so much she's compelled to seek out a website that accepts such works of art. After a quick search of the word titties on google she runs across RateMyTitties.com and the rest is history. Read more!

Poems

I started reading Where the Sidewalk Ends to my six year old and it's inspired him to write some poetry. Not really write it as much as speak it. I did all of the writing down. These are all Zane's original poems. I didn't bother naming them.

there once was a cell phone that did not ring
jimmy said this is weird,
what to do,
what to do,
the cell phone could only meow
the cell phone could only talk to a cat
meow, meow

there once was a dart board that had some luck
but he had some bad problems
he only moved, he only mooed
he only talked to a cat and a mouse
but they did not answer
they were like hmmmmmm
he tried talking to a cow
the cow answered
the dart board now has a friend

there once was an eraser that had no pencil
but the eraser had no luck finding a pencil
he looked inside a book at the library
but this book is about hooks
hmmmmm why is this in here, i do not know
then the eraser got out of the book and the
librarian was surprised it could walk
the eraser had luck now
he found a pencil, they were friends

the key and the lock went to a door
they couldn't reach up
they had no luck reaching up
they tried a ladder but they were too small
to hold the ladder but then they stacked a bunch
of books but books tumbled on them
ahhhhhh the lock said
watch out! the key said
they build the ladder of legos

one book sat alone
he was by his self
he tried walking but the librarian was
watching the only book
but then the librarian fell asleep
and the book got out and found some friends
they were a bunch of books that had many colors
red, indigo and violet
the book was happy
they went back to the library and there were
finally a couple of books
the librarian woke up and was like
hmmmmm how did those books get there
but then she found out the books could move
when she found out she was not mad
the lonely book turned into a happy book
he finally had some friends Read more!

My Work

My work requires I visit all buildings within my jurisdiction to ensure the fools inside aren't poisening the fresh water supply, which believe it or not, happens quite regularly. I usually go in unannounced to catch folks off gaurd.

"Who's in charge around here?" That's such a great open. It really sets the tone for good social interaction. No one will answer you immediately that's for sure. Starting off with that one is sure to followed by a good old fashion stare down. Some have that 'deer in the headlights' stare others will have the 'who the fuck are you' look on their face. The poor sap in the following story was a deer in the headlights sort of fella.

"I said who's in charge here." More stares. "What the fuck is your problem? I'm going to be looking around your building and I don't want any problems. I have the authority to send you to federal prison for the crimes you're commiting in here so I'd advise you to snap out of it." My authority to send people to federal prison was revoked last November. It was major headlines in the paper.

A quick side-step around this fool and I was going about my duty. I thought that I'd be able to go about this unmolested but he was right behind me. "What is this all about?" he farted into the back of my head. I refused to turn around and had a strong urge to run. This guy was a monster. I wasn't prepared. "I can't remember. Leave me alone!" I said and changed directions.

The damage to the building was spectacular. Just as I began to scribble my first few notes on the paper "Are you from the Water Company? Because we've been calling about a....". I couldn't listen. This guy was just too stupid to listen to and his breath smelled like he'd just licked an armpit or two. I had to put a stop to it so I turn and shout "I can't take it! Get the fuck away from me!".

I drove back to my office to find my manager waiting in the parking lot for me. "Were you just over at the Cass building? Because we've been getting phone calls of someone cussing at the workers over there."

"That place if filled with public masterbaters! You can't believe a word they say."

None of the charges I filled stuck. I didn't give myself enough time to collect the proper amount of evidence and the judge wouldn't accept my "nonsense" as admissible. Fuck it. I'll get'em next time around. Read more!

lightsaber dildo handle

INT. PIGGLY WIGGLY GROCERY STORE. DAY

HORNEY GUY sits on a pile of frozen veggies waiting for the girl of his dreams. Some guy is in the corner reading magazines and he's also petting a small dog and you can tell the dog is into it because he has a boner and so does the dog.

HORNEY GUY

Dear Grandma, I'm talking to you in letter format. Do you like it? Love grandson.

MANAGER slowly walks up to Horney Guy. He doesn't want him to see what's hiding behind his back.

MANAGER

I have something for you.

HORNEY GUY

Thanks but I have enough giant inflatable blowup dolls that resemble Ronald Reagan.

the camera pulls back to reveal that manager was trying to hide something behind his back thats way too big to ever be hidden behind one persons back. ten peoples back maybe but the majority would have had to stand on the others shoulders as this object is taller than it is wide.

MANAGER

Well, I just thought it'd cheer you up. I heard about Lilly.

HORNEY GUY

Yeah, what'd you hear? That she was the love of my life? that she gave great head? that she could finish math problems without ever looking at the numbers? Well it's all a lie. Not all a lie that is. I mean, who could do math problems without looking at the numbers? Sure, someone could read you the numbers but you're not going to remember all them numbers. It's too many numbers.

MANAGER

Oh fuck yeah that's a lot of numbers. You ever seen them math problems that turn numbers into letter?

HORNEY GUY

No. Have you ever seen a dildo with a handle at one end that looks like a lightsaber? I bet there's a bunch of star wars freaks who'd buy some shit like that.

MANAGER

George would never stand for something like that. That's too dangerous anyway. Some lonely womens going to end up mixing up her dildo and lightsaber and cut her vagina in half.

HONEY GUY

Vaginas are already sort of cut in half. You know what I mean?

MANAGER

No they're not. Gross. That's such a disturbing way of thinking of pussy as being somehow chopped in half like a whole vagina somehow looks nothing like that untill it's been cut with a sharp object. Is that how you think of your ass? As being somehow chopped in half?

HORNEY GUY

Yes.



And here is the rest of it. Read more!

16 & Pregnant Episode Recap: Jamie

Jamie is a senior in high school. She's kind of a goodie two shoes. She's even on student council!! But her friends were thrown for a loop when she started dating the school bad boy, Ryan.

They're about to get thrown for another loop, cause she's fucking pregnant!!

Their relationship was rocky at first, but lately Jamie and Ryan have been getting along better. In her words, they're "like two parrots." I don't even think she knows what the fuck that means.

As was already stated, Ryan was the school bad boy. He's the kind of kid that has a moustache in high school. He's 17, has already had a handful of speeding tickets and a DUI. Needless to say, he no longer has a license.

Jamie lives with her single mom. Her dad didn't love her and left when she was young, leaving her mom to raise her and her sister. Her mom wasn't happy about her getting pregnant, and was convinced she wouldn't end up having it.

But guess what, mom? She fucking is.

Ryan talks about wanting to be responsible, but yet he's missed three straight doctor's appointments! He claims he's been having to see his lawyer since he has a court date coming up, but I don't trust him. Methinks he's up to something.

Despite him not loving her, Jamie's father is still kind of in the picture. When he found out she was pregnant, he sent her a MySpace message asking her not to have the baby. Then hasn't talked to her since.

Until she calls him and they meet up in the park. Know in movies when there's that character that was cool shit in high school, then you flash forward 20 years and he's trying to be the same guy except he's 20 years past his prime. This is her dad. I'm assuming he mentions high school football before the end of the episode.

Jamie goes off to the fair with her friends and eats fair food and watches her friends ride rides. Seriously, nothing is happening this episode, and this event was the one most worthy of mentioning.

Even though her dad told her when they met in the park that he wanted to be a part of the baby's life, he completely no showed for her baby shower.

Then Jamie asks her mom if Ryan can move in. The mom does not dig this idea. She says he can stay sometimes, but he has to stay in the baby room, and not up in Jamie's room fucking her. Then he mentions something about taking the baby occasionally, and the mom tells him that's not gonna happen. He disagrees.

How can you follow up the most intense episode of this show with this boring ass episode. I have a feeling last week's won't be topped this season.

Ryan missed his fourth straight doctor's appointment, and hasn't been answering his phone. He's been kind of distant since the disagreement with her mother. Then Jamie starts going into labor!!

He finally shows up five hours into labor. Hungover!! He feeds the worst fucking line ever. "I've been staying up for the last three nights waiting for your call, and the one night I fall asleep, you call." Luckily she didn't buy that. Him wreaking of booze didn't help him sell it.

Jamie starts throwing up during labor. It's pretty gross. Then the nurse talks about using pliers to pull the baby out. So that's what they do. Then the baby comes out with a shit ton of hair. It's a girl. They named her Miah. This was established earlier in the episode, but I didn't mention it.

Once the baby is out and things start calming down, Jamie immediately kicks Ryan out and makes him go home. He wants to stay, but she's super pissed about him showing up hungover. Then her dad shows up which brought a smile to her face.

Two days go by and Ryan doesn't even try to call or anything. Then he just randomly shows up with an overnight bag, expecting to stay the night. Looking hungover as fuck again. He starts crying and doing that annoying fucking stutter talk. He's pissed that he's not allowed to come over, and that they won't let him take her over to his house. The mom walks in, and he keeps doing that damn stutter cry talk. Mom lays down the law and really lays into him. So he leaves. Still crying.

He refuses to come to the house because he's all scared of her mom, who has the stupidest spelled name ever (Aprille). He keeps calling and begging to take the baby by himself to his mom's, even though she's only one week old. He somehow gets his license back, and insists that Jamie and Miah come to a costume party at his parents house. And he won't shut the fuck up about the whole thing. He doesn't understand a fucking word she says.

The time comes for Jamie to go back to school. Luckily, her school is filled with whores, so there's a day care in the school. So she loads that baby up on the school bus and her day begins. Then she has to take a break from class to feed that baby.

Then, oh my god. Everybody's looking at her funny, and she finds out by lunch why. Ryan already had a new girlfriend!! And he had been fucking around while she was pregnant!! She decides he won't be seeing Miah any time soon. Or ever.

She meets up with Ryan and tells him that in order for him to see Miah, they're going to have to go through the courts and let them decide what his role in her life should be. He started crying again, but thank god she walked away before he could do the stutter talk again.

Jamie goes on to change her phone number and talk to a lawyer.

Then it ends.

Read more!

16 & Pregnant Episode Recap: Jennifer

This week we meet Jennifer. A tomboy from Tampa, Florida. She's been with her goofy looking boyfriend for over a year now, and her family hates them because he's too old for her. But...now she's pregnant!!!

With twins!!!

Oh, snap. This shit's bout to get real.

So, the goofy looking dude and Jennifer go out. And she's all like, "I wish you'd have used a condom." And he's all like, "But it's awkward to go in and buy condoms." And she's like, "it's awkward for me to walk around with this big ol' belly. Oh snap! Game, set, match Jennifer!

The twins are gonna be fraternal twins. One of them is gonna be named Noah, despite the baby in the season premiere being named Noah. That's just poor planning. The other one is gonna be called Goofy Looking Boyfriend, Jr. The family's not happy that they're naming one of them after the goofy looking dad, but wait, there's more. THE DUDE WANTS THEM TO HAVE HIS LAST NAME!!! And she's too young to realize that's dumb.

She's all telling him that the family doesn't like that, and complains that she doesn't like that him and her family can't get along. So, what's this douche do? Of course, he says he'll try to get along with them and compromise, right? That's what a normal person would do, isn't it? Not this goofy looking fucker!!! He tells her she has to pick!! He tells his 16 year old pregnant girlfriend (with twins) with a super close family that she has to pick between him and his family!!!

This chick is a freak of nature. In real life, she has this really grating voice. Really squeeky and dumb. But when she's doing her voiceovers, she sounds like a normal human person. What the fuck's going on here? These kids are fucked. That's gonna get confusing and shit.

Shit's all crazy, because Jennifer's family doesn't want to have a baby shower. They're anti her having babies. Not that they want them back alley-ed, they're just not a fan of the whole situation. So goofy looking dude's family decides to throw one for them. They invite her parents, and they get all pissed. They refuse to go to the one the Goofys are throwing, and say they wanna throw one of their own, but that Goofy Looking Dude isn't allowed to come.

Mind you, this girl is 16. And pregnant. With fucking twins!! Why is everybody in her life so fucking stubborn and selfish? Everybody in this episode is a fucking villain, except poor little Jennifer and her two voices.

Then there's a part in the episode where like 5-10 minutes goes by where absolutely nothing happens worth talking about.

Oh shit!!! Until Goofy Looking Dude proposes at dinner!! Shit's bout to get real!! Her parents gonna be trippin!!

Sidenote: Her mom is actually very pretty.

Goofy Looking Dude waits in the car while Jennifer goes in to tell her mom they're now engaged. She doesn't change her expression at all, and asks for Goofy to come in. He tries to sell her his story, she ain't buying it. Then the mom tells her that the family does not accept it and that she can not say 'congratulations.' And she said it all mob like. Like, she seemed about ready to whack this dude.

Goofy Looking Dude is an idiot. He makes it clear he doesn't want to make things work with her family. She says, "how can you want to marry somebody but not want to be accepted by her family?", and this goofy motherfuckers response is "do I have to be in a relationship with them to be in a relationship with you?" Ummm, kinda. Douche.

It's c-section time. Let's get those babies out and get this party started. Judging by what's happened so far this episode, I don't think things are going to go well between the family and Goofy.

Now realizing I should have started referring to Goofy Looking Dude as GLD a long time ago. Instead I just got tired of typing it and shortened it to Goofy.

Anyways, back to the business at hand. These baby's be fucking ugly.

Wow. So, Jennifer calls her mom to see if Goofy is allowed to come home with her and the babies. Her mom says she has doubts and that she's tired of him disrespecting her, then he starts yelling at her over the phone. Dude, you're not really helping your case. He was a douche the entire episode, but he just turned the douche nozzle up to 11. Nobody seems to care that this girl is only 16.

Then Jennifer's mom and dad decide to act like adults for the first time and accept that Jennifer needs them and Josh, so they allow him to come home with them. She gets home and her friends start coming over to meet the twins. Things seem to be going well.

But, guess what the douche's next move is? He complains that there's too many people there and that it's making him uncomfortable, so he tells her she needs to consider moving herself and the twins into his parents' house. Then he leaves! Not only does he leave, but he texts her to tell her he's not coming back over as long as her parents are around. Uh, douche, it's their house. They're gonna be around. So he just doesn't come over to see his twins at all. Because he's a giant fucking selfish douche.

Holy shit. Then he ups the fucking douche. He comes over to see them, insists they leave, then immediately turns into a giant fucking asshole. She finally wises up and tells him to take her home, and that it's over. He starts driving all fast, then kicks her out of the car, and drives off with the kids in the fucking car!!

Congrats Goofy Looking Dude. Despite Adam, Ryan, and countless others being worthless fathers on this show, you just topped them all. You are the biggest waste of life to ever appear on the show. You make Janelle look like an amazing person. You should take notes from Farrah's baby daddy.

He ends up coming back, and she tries to get the kids out of the car, and he fucking picks her up violently and pulls her away from the car. FIVE DAYS AFTER GETTING A C SECTION!!! He then takes the kids out of the car and just sets their car seats on the grass in the rain. The mom shows up, and he starts cussing her out. The cops show up shortly after and haul him off in handcuffs. He only spends a night in jail, then has the fucking nerve to try calling her the next day. For some reason she decides not to press charges, but declares that she will never talk to him again.

Jennifer, kudos to you for being wise enough at 16 to never let that motherfucker see his kids again. Please keep it up. Twins are difficult, but they'll be better off without him.

Holy shit. That was some intense shit.

Read more!

Happy Easter!!

Here's an Easter cartoon by Jimmy.
Read more!

Juggalohio Opening

Juggalohio, the webseries Dave has co-wrote and co-stars in, premieres on the internet on Wednesday 4/20. This is the opening animation drawn by Jimmy. It's pretty awesome. Read more!

16 & Pregnant Episode Recap: Jordan

The new season of Pregnant Teens kicked off on MTV tonight with a Pregnant Twin episode. Now, when I heard there were gonna be twins on Pregnant Teen, I was really hoping they'd both be pregnant. By the same dude!!

But nope. Just one of them was preggers, and that one was Jordan.

Jordan and Jessica have been twins their whole lives. They did everything together, even drop out of school at 15 to become professional models, despite not being even the least bit hot. Their parents didn't love them, so they were raised by their grandparents and still live with them.

So Jordan gets knocked up by this Brian dude, and Jessica gets all sad because she feels like Brian is making Jordan force Jessica out of Jordan's life and replacing Jessica with Brian.

I'm not sure if there's an equivalent of the Oedipus Rex syndrome as far as twins are concerned, but if there is, Jessica totally has it. She totally wants to fuck Jordan.

So, Brian gets all whiny and complains to Jordan that he doesn't want Jessica in the room when that baby is shooting out her cooch. Jordan passes this decision on to Jessica, who be all pissed about it. Then like five minutes later in the episode they talked about it and it turns out Jessica is gonna be in the room afterall. But let me tell you, those five minutes were fucking intense.

Jessica and Brian claim they don't like each other, but when they fight it seems rather innocent for as much hate as they're supposed to have for each other. It's very obvious they've masturbated to the thought of each other.

When it's time for the baby to pop out, Jessica's in the room taking pictures and shit. Like, the whole time. Jordan's all crying and pushing, and her sister's there snapping away. The baby comes out all bloody, everybody's crying and avoiding seeing the afterbirth get pushed out, but this bitch still be snapping away. That set of pictures has to be the most horrific Facebook photo album ever. Dislike.

Anyways, this baby pops out and it looks exactly like Steve Buscemi. They named it Noah. He was 7 lbs 5 oz or some shit. Who gives a fuck about the specifics?

Then there was the obligatory scene that's in every episode of Pregnant Teens where a nurse shows the teen how to breast feed. It's never as hot as one would imagine.

Cut to montage of the baby waking up every half hour through the night after they get home. Now this bitch realizes how hard this shit is.

Jordan tries to teach Jessica how to change diapers, but Jessica's hands are too cold, so she gets fired midchanging. Then the drama fireworks start going off!! She be all crying, like, "I'm not a part of her picture anymore!!" and "she doesn't need me in her life anymore!!" Those aren't direct quotes, as I've mastered the art of tuning out the sound of crying females. But you get the picture. Like having a baby wasn't enough, now Jordan has to deal with her whiny ass sister as well.

Ya know, Jessica, I was on your side up until now. But shut the fuck up. It's only logical to go get fucked and get yourself pregnant right now to balance it out. That's. How. Twins. Work.

Then Jordan gets all sad that her tits aren't shooting out enough milk to feed this baby, but Jessica is there to console her and help with the baby. Good job, Jess. I'm back on your side.

After Jessica starts going back to school and Brian starts going back to work, Jordan starts to fear that something is wrong with Noah. Like that movie Orphan, whose tagline was "Something Is Wrong With Esther." Turns out what was wrong with her was she was like a 40 year old dwarf hooker that looked like a little kid. This helped her with her love of being adopted by different families and then killing them. The same thing wasn't wrong with Noah, it was just acid reflux. Which is still pretty shitty.

Then they kinda talk for a few more minutes about god knows what and the episode ends.

Solid season opener.

Read more!

Mermate

Here's the awesome video Jimmy's been working on for the past two weeks. It's called Mermate. It was written by Dave from an idea he and Zane had. Animation by Jimmy. Horrible voice work by Dave. Read more!

Juggalohio - Teaser Trailer

This is the teaser trailer for Juggalohio, the webeseries Dave co-created, co-wrote and co-stars in. Jimmy is gonna do some animation work for it as well.

It's a sitcom. About juggalos. It'll be premiering in May. Read more!

Dave's Standup: Live At University Pizza (Sept 2010)

Here's the audio set to pictures of a set of Dave's standup from a performance last September. The video wouldn't work, so a little improvisation was needed.

Read more!

Preview: Mermaid

We have some new cartoons in the work that Jimmy is hard at work on. This is a preview picture from one called Mermaid. It's safe to say that this picture doesn't spoil the cartoon in any way, but it's awesome and we wanted to share it.

We're putting Jimmy to work on quite a few things, so there will be a lot of very cool things coming soon. Until then, admire the beauty of this preview. It's a character named Al Catfish. Read more!

Shit Talkin' - The Exception

This was the third and final episode in the first run of Shit Talkin' episodes.

In this one, Dave explains to Jimmy that every rule has it's exceptions. Read more!

Happy St. Patty's Day!!

Here's an Irish Jig done by Jimmy last year in celebration of St. Patty's Day.

Enjoy! Read more!

Dave Saves The Day

This is a stupid little video Dave made while bored at home one Friday night three years ago or so. Admire the amazing photoshop work and voice talents. Read more!

Shit Talkin' - What Women Want

This was another episode of Shit Talkin' that Jimmy and Dave did. It may have been the second one, but we can't remember what order they went up in.

In this one, Jimmy lays out his flawless plan to start picking up women. Read more!

Fuck You Du Jour - Mar 9

Today's Fuck You Of The Day: Jennelle from MTV's Teen Mom 2. You're a stupid, fuck up cunt. Your life is shit because you make it that way. Everything bad that happens to you is brought on by your own complete stupidity. You're a fucking waste. Go fuck yourself!! Read more!

Commercially Successful: The Zero Bar

Thirteen years ago, Zane looked at me as I ate a Zero bar and said, 'You know why they call it Zero? Because that's how many people other than you like them.' Very clever, Zane, but here we are thirteen years later and the Zero bar is still kicking it strong.

Now, plenty of candy bars have survived for a long time. But you know what makes the Zero bar so different and special? When was the last time you saw a commercial for Zero?

Exactly. They rely on amazing taste and an excellent brand to keep people coming back.

You taking notes Snickers? Why is it every time I turn on the TV, I have to see your commercials? Insecure much? Don't believe enough in your product enough that you feel the need to advertise it? Fucking losers.

More companies could take notes from Zero. Make an amazing product, and save the money on advertising. Great taste will do it for you.

Kudos to you, Zero bar. You're a trendsetter. You're the hip, hidden, underground club that only cool people go to of the candy bar world. Read more!

Based On A True Story: Secret Bathroom

Setting: A small drug store.

Scene: Dave is stuck shopping with his girlfriend and really has to pee.

DAVE

Are you almost done? I'm about to piss my pants here.

DAVE'S GIRLFRIEND

No. Go find a bathroom or something.

DAVE

I'm pretty sure they don't have a restroom here.

DAVE wanders off. He sees a creepy looking double swinging door. He looks around, sees no employees, and sees no employees only sign, so he goes through the door. He sees a door marked 'restroom'. His face lights up and he enters. There is a urinal and a stall, wasting no time, DAVE goes to the urinal and lets out a giant moan as he begins to pee.

DAVE

Oh my god! That's amazing.

Suddenly, a VOICE comes out of nowhere.

VOICE

Who's there?

DAVE

(startled, then realizing the voice is coming from the stall next to him) I'm just peeing.

VOICE

This is an employees only restroom.

DAVE

I'm sorry, man. I was about to piss my pants.

VOICE

Oh. I've been there, man.

DAVE

(awkwardly) Yeah.

The two continue to go about their business in silence. DAVE finishes peeing and exits.

Read more!

Fuck You Du Jour - Mar 8

Today's Fuck You Of The Day: Cadbury Eggs. You're fucking gross. Go fuck yourself!! Read more!

International Womens Day

Today marks the 45th annual international womens day. A special day for all to rejoice in the magical splender that is women. Unfortunately many do not know the history of how this day came about.

This wonderous holiday was originally called the Candice Unibaker National Treasure day or C.U.N.T. day. The name was changed a few years later.

Candice Unibaker was a just like any other typical women with big'ol titties. She enjoyed sitting around the campfire playing with her vagina and making fart sounds with her armpits. Turns out she was a little too good and making fart sounds and that's when the world outlawed that sort of shit. This all happend about 200 years ago.

Fast forward to about 45 years ago and present day womens day is an internationally recognized holiday. Women from as many as one million countries gather to burn down houses and murder livestock. It was rumored that in Bolivia a bunch of chicks put thier underwear on their heads. That rumor was later confirmed.

International Womens Day has a rich history full of glory. It is a day to remember the sacrifice and hardship women have had to endure over the past several decades. One time these old ladies from Mexico started slamming thier crotches together so hard one fell off. That one's probably not true but we need to remeber shit like that.

Read more!

Message To David

When Zane thought Dave had only a few weeks to live, he recorded all his feelings into a video. When he realized Dave was going to live a long time, he edited it down.

This is that video. Read more!

Bad News

This was thrown together a few years back. Check out Zane's awesome green screen work and Dave's amazing artistic interpretation of a doctor's office.

This is what really happens when somebody gets bad news. Read more!

Fuck You Du Jour - Mar 4

Today's Fuck You Of The Day: People that wear stupid boots with shorts. So, your feet are fucking freezing, but your legs are convinced it's summer out? Stupid bitch. Not to mention, your shorts are always so short. What part of the brains says, "let's go outside in the shortest shorts possible and the stupidest boots we can find."? No part of a competent human beings brain. The world hopes your legs catch a cold and fucking die. Go fuck yourself!! Read more!

Commercially Successful: Sun Chips

What do you do when you're a snack company that's been around for over a decade, but yet still haven't embedded yourself in the pop culture main stream? Recently, Sun Chips, the delicious chip type snack, had to answer that dilemma.

Their conclusion? You remind people they have no clue what the fuck Sun Chips are, of course!

With their new ad campaign centered around the slogan "The Best Snack You've Never Had", or something like that, Sun Chips are reminding people that they've been around forever and you still don't give a shit about them.

The commercials involve some lady annoying people on the street into picking a few Sun Chips over free popcorn. Yet nobody on the popcorn's payroll is annoying people into picking it, so it seems a bit unfair. Plus, who the fuck doesn't know what popcorn is? Here, take this snack you've known about for your entire life, or this snack that you and the entire world have managed to ignore during it's entire existence.

It's the equivalent of the nerd sitting in the corner going up to the hottest girl in school who doesn't even know he exists and saying, "Hey, you hot piece of ass you, we've been in the same class since kindergarten. Now let's fuck."

That's not gonna work out very well.

Not to be a dick or an asshole to the environment, but maybe if Sun Chips were more concerned about the product inside their bag than the actual bag itself, maybe people would eat the shit. Seriously, Google or try to do any type of research on Sun Chips. All you'll find is information on the bag and how awesome the company is for the environment.

That's all fine and good, but the end result is just like the hot chick said to the naked tree hugging hippie: "It's cool you're into the environment and stuff, but that's not going in my mouth."

In short, Sun Chips have built their entire latest ad campaign around reminding people that they're the mildly attractive boy with good intentions that still can't get anybody to fuck him of the snack world.

Read more!

Prank Phone Call: Petting Zoo

This is a prank phone call Zane did over three years ago, and to this day, it's still one of his best. In this one, a truck driver is going to be late delivering a trailer full of animals to The Petting Zoo, which happens to be a stuffed animal store.

Sadly, this one never got animated. Yet, at least. Maybe if we're nice we can get Jimmy to do that for us. Even with no animation and just a random phone image, it has somehow managed to get nearly 5,000 views on YouTube. It's pretty fun. Read more!

Fuck You Du Jour - Mar 3

Today's Fuck You Of The Day: Twitter. You wanna make me update the app for my phone that I think works perfectly, only to have it not open now? You want me to try to open it 30+ times only to have it crash everytime before opening? Now what the fuck am I supposed to do? I can't go back to preupdate. Who knows how long this will take you to fix? Go fuck yourself!! Read more!

Based On A True Story: Overnight

Setting: Dave's apartment.

Scene: A 19 year old Dave and his coworker Tom come back to the apartment after an evening of drinking to get ready for work.

TOM

Shit. What time is it?

DAVE

9:33.

TOM

Fuck. We have to be at work in a half hour.

DAVE

I know. I don't think I can do it.

TOM

Tell you what, let's take a quick power nap. Sleep for an hour or so and go in at 11. That way we get some sleep and we're only about an hour late.

DAVE

That sounds perfect. Great plan.

DAVE and TOM take to separate couches and begin to nap. An hour goes by and an alarm goes off. DAVE turns it off and sits up.

DAVE

(tiredly) Tom, wake up. We gotta go to work. It's almost 11 already.

TOM

(never sitting up) You go in now and I'll come in about 15 minutes after you. That way they won't know we were out drinking together. They won't get suspicious.

DAVE

Good point. You're full of good ideas tonight. I'll see you in a little bit.

DAVE leaves and goes into work. His coworkers are upset at him for being late. He approaches them.

COWORKER

(angrily) Hey, it's about time. Thanks for showing up.

A MANAGER walks in.

MANAGER

Well guys. Don't be too mad at Dave, just be glad he showed up. We're gonna be a bit shorthanded tonight. Tom just called. He's apparently pretty sick and won't be able to make it in tonight.

DAVE

(to himself) That motherfucker.

Cut to TOM sleeping comfortably on DAVE's couch.

Read more!

Shit Talkin' - Superheroes

This is a cartoon Jimmy and Dave used to do. It's called Shit Talkin'. This was the first episode. It's about superheroes. It was going to be weekly, but that fell off after three episodes or so.

We've been brainstorming ways to retool it and make it better in hopes of bringing it back for new episodes. Will we manage to do that? Who knows? We've never been super consistent. But we're trying. Read more!

Fuck You Du Jour - Mar 2

Today's Fuck You Of The Day: Angelina Ballerina. You wanna grow up to be a ballerina? Then stop the fucking whining and practice. Who cares that other kids in the school are hip hop dancing? It's a fucking dance school. Not everybody has to dance the same way you miserable cunt. Go fuck yourself!!
Read more!

Zane Did It

GONADSVILLE, N.J. — Guess what, it doesn't take some super human type person to beat Watson, the "Jeopardy"-winning computer.
U.S. Rep. Rush "For a TD Late in the Third" Holt of New Jersey — a five-time masterbater — topped the IBM computer Monday night in a "Jeopardy"-style match of 'guy who looks at his own asshole in the mirror' vs. machine held at a Washington hotel.



Though Holt isn't the first dude who pees with his eyes closed to beat Watson, the victory adds to the 62-year-old Democrat's already-impressive resume: a former State Department arms control expert and ex-leader of the rub your butt on your dogs butt association of dog and dudes butt rubbers association.

"I give most of the credit to my diaper. Without him holding all my shit tightly against my ass I never could have won," he told The Associated Press in an interview Tuesday.

He built a lead in categories including "Who farts the loudest," in which the correct response to "Herbert and his Ma just ate cabbage" was "Hoover." The congressman also correctly identified hippophobia as the fear of long words no one gives a fuck about.

Watson beat him to the buzzer with "Not It" when someone in the audience ripped a juicy one. Holt was then offered to either eat it on a platter, plate or bun.

In the end Watson loses and we at the A.P. say good. Smart computers ain't doin' no body no good to no body. You think I want my toaster tellin me when or where it's a good time to take a bath? No sir says I.
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Fuck You Du Jour - Mar 1

Today's Fuck You Of The Day: February. 28 days? Seriously? You lazy fuck. Every other month has 30 or 31 days, what the fuck makes you so special? And leap year? We're glad you're gone. Go fuck yourself! Read more!

Tom Selleck Says: Episode One

This is a video called Tom Selleck Says. It was written by Dave, animated by Jimmy and voiced by the guys of Reverse Cowboy. There are some major audio issues, a typo in the title screen, and is overall sloppily edited. But Tom Selleck Says was an idea for years before this got put together, so it holds a soft spot in our hearts despite essentially being the equivalent to a "demo."

Don't tell Jimmy, but we may try to get him to redo this completely in full animation and with brand new audio. We'd also like to make it a recurring series, which was the plan all along. Read more!

Based On A True Story: Little Caesar's Pizza

Setting: Inside a Little Caesar's Pizza place.

Scene: 18 year old Zane and David are taking a dinner break after a long day moving David into his first apartment.

DAVID

Man, I'm starving. Moving takes everything out of me.

ZANE

(only half paying attention to DAVID) Hey, see that cashier? You think that's a boy or a girl? (he points to the CASHIER behind the counter)

DAVID

I don't know. Could go either way. Try looking at the nametag.

ZANE

I tried that. Not wearing one. I really can't tell if it's a boy or a girl.

DAVID

Who cares? Our pizza will be done in a second and we'll be outta here. Then you won't have to worry about it.

The phone rings, the CASHIER answers the phone.

CASHIER

(answering the phone) Thanks for calling Little Caesar's, this is Rachel, how may I help you.

DAVID

There you go, Rachel. It's a girl.

ZANE

Cool.

DAVID

Good. Glad that's settled. We can get back on with our lives now.

ZANE

I'll be right back. (he gets up and starts heading to the counter)

DAVID
What? Where are you going?

ZANE

I'm gonna go hit on the cashier.

Read more!

Fuck You Du Jour - Feb 26

Today's Fuck You Of The Day: blog sites that make logging in while in a foreign country a pain in the ass. What? You wanna fuck with Zane and make his life difficult? You think he doesn't have other shit to worry about? Guess what? He does. Go fuck yourself!
Read more!

Not Getting Help

I'm going to start putting shit on here again. I had to teach myself how to do it. It's not like I'm in a foreign country and instead of English text I get these little squares that make logging into a blog site a real pain in the ass because I don't know what the shit I'm suppose to type in and when I asked my friend how to do it he doesn't even write me back.
Read more!

Fuck You Du Jour - Feb 25

Today's Fuck You Of The Day: Snow. You fucking cunt whore slut bastard asshole fuckwad. You wanna show up after three days of 50 degree weather and make people postpone the filming of a webseries they've been planning since June? Go fuck yourself! Read more!

Coked Up Movie Pitch: Suckers

(this is an example of a movie pitch I would give if I just got completely coked up instead of preparing anything)

The pitch: Suckers

So here's the deal. There's two families, right? Hundreds of years ago they open up a candy factory together. After a lot of years of working together, one of the families drops out of the business and disappears. They're still owners, they're just not involved. They just disappeared to keep a big family secret from being revealed. That secret? Get this, they're vampires!! Oh my god, I know, right!!

Fast forward a few hundred years, and the last surviving member of the non-vampire family has passed away. Somebody finds the vampire family to tell them that they are now sole owners of the candy factory. So they take over. They get all up in that factory and are raking in all the money because they're the only owners. It's fucking rad for them.

But then, hold on, get this. It turns out, there's a brother and sister that are technically members of the other family. They were bastard children of one of the outcast brothers, so nobody knew they existed. Their mom just died, and they're kinda fucked in life, ya know? So they come hunting for their dad, only to find out he and his entire lineage are dead. But they also find out they should be heirs to this giant candy empire!! Awesome for them, right?

Not right!! The vampire family have gotten used to being the only owners, and they wanna keep it that way. The older vampire brother is an asshole. He wants to go kill the brother and sister to solve all the problems, ya know? But the younger brother doesn't want him too, cause they're trying to survive quietly without ever revealing they're secret. Then, get this. This is where shit gets insane, cause you'll never see this coming. But the younger vampire brother, the non-dickhead one, he falls in love with the sister from the other family? I know, right? Holy shit. We just got Romeo & Juliet in this bitch.

So, they fall in love. The dickhead brother still wants to kill them. The sister's brother discovers that the other family is vampires and rounds up a posse to kill them all. This is where shit gets crazy, man. Then it just escalates before an epic fucking ending. It'd be so insane.

It'd be awesome too, cause I can see the poster now. Black. A red sucker, big and in the center. Then it just says "Suckers" across it. But get this, the bottom of the "k" form fangs and there's blood dripping down from them. How fucking awesome would that be?

We have a giant fucking hit here. I accept cash.

Read more!

Intervention

This is a skit Dave wrote based on an idea from Zane. This is a live performance by Dave's sketch comedy troupe, Reverse Cowboy. Read more!

Fuck You Du Jour - Feb 24

Today's Fuck You Of The Day: People who tell other people they'll grant them blog access in an hour or so, yet two days later still haven't done so. What? Do you have other things more important to do? I doubt it. Go fuck yourself! Read more!

Fuck You Du Jour - Feb 23

Today's Fuck You Of The Day: People who say it's their birthday when it's not. Do you need the attention that bad? Go fuck yourself. Read more!

Pinky The Pink Elephant

here is a video jimmy made a few months back. we're gonna put his little drawing parts to work here soon, so there will be plenty more to come.
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Fuck You Du Jour - Feb 22

Today's Fuck You Of The Day: Assholes that bitch about other people driving slow in the snow. Go fuck yourself. Read more!

Don't Call Us LL Cool J

We're back!!.

Maybe. We'll see. Read more!