Dirty Underwear

INT. LAUNDRY MAT - DAY

It's a slow day at the Wash'N Pay. FAN FACE is mopping the floor while TRACY is finishing her laundry. The two have never met before.

Fan Face starts mopping down Tracy's isle when he notices something special about Tracy.

FAN FACE
I couldn't help but notice how dirty your underwear are.

TRACY
I know. I've been shitting my pants a lot lately.


FAN FACE
Could I make a suggestion?

TRACY
Please do.

FAN FACE
Don't bring those shitting things in here ever again. You're stinking up the joint.

TRACY
I guess I could have hosed them down or something.

FAN FACE
No kidding. I mean, there's still clumps in the back end of those things.

TRACY
The fronts no picnic either.

FAN FACE
Let me show you something.

He starts riding his mop around like it was motorcycle.

FAN FACE (CONT)
VROOOOM! VROOOOOOM!

Tracy is starting to panic because he's not wearing a helmet. She picks up a washing machine and throws it at his ass. It's a direct hit.

TRACY
I know how to skateboard.

She puts a can of soda on the floor and tries to do a kick flip 360 over it. She can't land the trick and has to call the hospital. NURSE EMPTY GLASS answers the phone.

INT. HOSPITAL - DAY

NURSE EMPTY GLASS
Emergency room. How can I help you? Press two if you've just wiped out on an imaginary skateboard.

Tracy presses two.

NURSE EMPTY GLASS (CONT)
Dear God!

All the alarms go off in the building. Nurse Empty Glass gets on the loud speaker.

NURSE EMPTY GLASS (CONT)
I need a God Damn Doctor! People are dying!

A young med student named COMPUTER SPEAKER just happens to be walking by.

COMPUTER SPEAKER
If it's a number two then you can just go fuck yourself. I'm not ready for that kind of shit!

NURSE EMPTY GLASS
You're all we have!

She slaps the shit out of his face.

NURSE EMPTY GLASS (CONT)
You have to do it!

She stabs him in the stomache.

NURSE EMPTY GLASS (CONT)
I can't live like this!

She fills out some early retirement paperwork.

INT. LAUNDRY MAT - DAY

Fan Face just pulled off a really long wheelie and Tracy has been dead for hours. Fan Face notices that she's still holding her cell phone. Someone is talking on the other end. He picks up the phone.

FAN FACE
Mom?

It's his mom.

FAN FACE'S MOM
Don't you even think about wearing that pour girls underwear on you head.

FAN FACE
But mom! I need a helmet!

Some gangsters bust in the joint and shoot the place up. Fan Face is killed instantly.

Or is he...?
Read more!

Queef and the City

INT. RESTROOM - NIGHT

There's a bunch of guys waiting to use the urinal in this dirty restroom. The place is a wreck. Someone needs to clean this shit hole.

TOOTH MAN and some other GANG MEMBERS are in the restroom selling drugs to little kids. KYLE is a nine year old boy and addicted to Queef. Queef is this new bad ass drug that really fucks you up.


TOOTH MAN
Kyle my boy. I knew you'd come begging for more of this Queef. You know's where the best Queef in town lives don't you?

Kyle
C'mon Tooth Man! If I don't get a little Queef in me I'll die!

TOOTH MAN
Hold on little man. First things first.

KYLE
Please Tooth Man. Anything but that. I'll pay double! I swear!

TOOTH MAN
No way doo doo lips!

KYLE
OK.

Kyle pulls a shower curtain out of his nose and starts singing the blues.

All of the guys who were waiting to use the urinal start break dancing to Kyle's singing. One guy was pretty good at doing the robot.

TOOTH MAN
That's enough!

Tooth Man pulls out an envelope and hands it to a gang member.

TOOTH MAN (Cont)
Take this to City Hall. I want the Mayor to see this.

Gang Member
(crying)
Can I take my clothes off?

KYLE
Queef! Queef! Queeeeeeefff!

TOOTH MAN
Get the kid his Queef and for you Mr. Can I Take My Clothes Off, the answer is I don't know. Can you take your clothes off? How about, May I take my clothes off?

Some girls walk into the room. One has a gun and another has some sort of chemical that she could throw on someone if shit gets out of hand. GOOF NUTS is one of the girls and she has the power to knock shit off walls.

Tooth Man knows this means war and he does a bunch of Queef. Too much Queef. He's so high and he freaks out.

Goof Nuts pulls out a police badge.

GOOF NUTS
You're all under arrest!

KYLE
(he's swimming in some pee)
I can't swim!

Goof Nuts hates crime and she decides it's time to bring the boys downtown for good. She starts throwing make up and bombs at everyone. Some of the bombs explode and half the city is killed.

When the smoke clears Goof Nuts walks slowly from the wreckage.

GOOF NUTS
Maybe crime pays and maybe the good guys are really the bad guys sometimes. It's so hard to tell these days. All I know is that crime and me just had some hot sex and I made it use a rubber!
Read more!

April Fool's Sets Rick Roll'd Record

April Fool's Day sucks. It sucks even moreso when people aren't even creative enough to come up with pranks of their own. That was the case this year as the number of Rick Roll'ds worldwide more than doubled the previous world record of people getting Rick Roll'd in a single day.

For those who aren't familiar with the term Rick Roll'd, it is the practice of thinking you're getting one thing, when in actuality you get a version of the Rick Astley hit song, 'Never Gonna Give You Up.' There is a better definition of the term at the Rick Roll'd wikipedia page. Anyways, Rick Roll'd was the number one prank pulled this year for April Fool's Day.

Not only was it the number one prank pulled, it was the only prank pulled world wide.

"It was fucking whatcky!" said Bozo Poopenstein, prank historian. "There wasn't one single prank pulled worldwide that didn't include Rick Astley. How do you think that makes him feel."

With creativity nonexistent world wide, singing telegrams were sent doing the famous song and work email chains went out in high number all leading to the video. Even world famous site YouTube.com got in on the act by Rick Roll'ing all of it's April 1st visitors.

Some people fear that making such a giant joke of such a great song will make people forget just how kickass the song is.

But how does the Rick involved in Rick Roll's feel about it?

"I love the prank," said 80's music superstar Rick Astley. "I hope nobody ever gives it up, never let it down. Never turn around, and desert it." Read more!

Love and Fire Works

INT. FIRE WORKS STORE - DAY

JUDY and WILL are throwing unlit fire crackers at one another, laughing. Judy is running too fast and she knocks over a case of apple pies. MR. DOORSLAMMER bursts in from the back room and angrily shoots Judy with a 9mm pistol.





JUDY
(crying)
Hello Mr. Doorslammer. Thanks for shooting me.

MR. DOORSLAMMER
You're welcome.

Mr. Doorslammer starts jumping up and down on one leg.

WILL
Mr. Doorslammer please! It wasn't Judy's fault. It was mine.

JUDY
(crawling to the phone)
Oh Will! I'll die unless I get to that phone!

MR. DOORSLAMMER
Not so fast!

Mr. Doorslammer shoots Judy some more.

MR. DOORSLAMMER (cont)
It's your turn Will. I'm going to make you pay for what
you've done to me.

WILL
Please, I'm sure there's another way.

MR. DOORSLAMMER
Well, I guess you could help me get something heavy out of my
garage.

WILL
(pulls out a chainsaw)
The tables have turned haven't they!

MR. DOORSLAMMER
Fuck, that's a nice chainsaw.

WILL
(accidentally throws chainsaw into the lake)
I love you chainsaw!

MR. DOORSLAMMER
You're not so fucking tough without that chainsaw are you?

WILL
Maybe, maybe not. But just where do you think you're
going without this!

Will pulls a car engine out of his back pocket.

MR. DOORSLAMMER
You fool! That car engine will never join you! And the crank
shaft differential rod piston hammer spacer manifold block is
about to fall on your head!

WILL
I'm not falling for that old trick.

There is a loud explosion outside. Police rush in through the front door. CAPT. JOCKSTRAP starts to question the two.

CAPT. JOCKSTRAP
Who's this dead girl?

WILL
(crying)
That's my wife.

Will drops down to Judy's side. She's naked now.

WILL (CONT)
Who took all her cloths off?

CAPT. JOCKSTRAP
(sighs)
You weren't cut out for all this, were ya kid?
Get him out of here!
Read more!

The Apocalypse Is Taking Too Long

Members of a Russian cult who confined themselves to a cave to save themselves from the apocalypse have come out of the cave after growing tired of waiting for the end of the world.

The christian cult made a home in the cave in November of 1999, just in time for Y2K. Being christians, they knew that God does not enjoy caves, so hiding in one would keep them safe from his rapture.

Local authorities originally tried to persuade the group to leave the cave for safety reasons, but then forgot about them after a few months.

The cult consisted of 47 members orginally, including 11 children less than two years old. Thirty-four members made the trek out of the cave back into the real world, claiming the other 13 weren't ready to leave yet. When in reality, it's obvious that they ate them.

The cult's leader, who happens to have a nice 'apartment' in the local psychiatric hospital is glad to hear his followers are safe.

"What? They were still down there?" the cookoo said. "Fuck, I'd completely forgot about them. Man did I have my math wrong on that one."

The second coming of the Lord and imminent end of the world has been rescheduled for June, 23 2011.

Read more!

Pastor Loves Strippers

A New York pastor who has been missing since early last week was found outside an Ohio strip club this weekend.

The pastor was enjoying some drinks and titties when cops decided to run his plates and realize he had been reported missing.

When confronted by police outside the club he pulled the 'crazy old man' card by claiming he didn't know where he was or how he got there.

"I wanted to punch the fucker. I hate when people play that shit. We're not fucking idiots," the officer who found him said.

The strippers claim he was more than coherent inside the club, ordering drink after drink and using obsessive profanity.

"That dude totally loved titties," said dancer Candy Titties, better known by her stage name, 'Tasha.' "He kept screaming, 'I LOVE TITTIES!!!!!' And he kept thanking God for titties. That didn't make any sense. But I guess since he's a pastor it makes all sorts of sense. They have to thank God for things."

In his three hours spent inside the club, the pastor accumulated a tab with 24 shots and six lap dances. He also offered one of the strippers money to come back to his hotel with him and fuck him silly.

"It doesn't make any sense," the pastor's distraught wife said. "I show him my titties all the time. Sometimes I even let him touch them."

The pastor left his house early last week, claiming he was going to the local Best Buy to get some new porn. That was the last he was seen until the strip club incident.

His family was set to leave for a family vacation to Disney World the day after his trip to Best Buy. Friends and family allege this is the reason he took off.

"I didn't wanna fucking see Mickey and Minnie," the pastor said. "I wanted kitty and titties."

The pastor will return to work this Sunday with his sermon, "God Ain't Your Homeboy." Services begin at 11am with Sunday school starting at 9am. Read more!

Douche Cop Can't Take Ass Smack

A Denver area Douche of a cop has pissed off other less douchey cops after his doucheness has gotten a fellow officer suspended for 45 days.

The douche cop filed a complaint after a coworker innocently smacked him on the ass as he bent over to grab keys off of his desk.

"If you're going to stick it out, I'm going to hit it," the suspended cop stated. "It's like a dude rule. It's not like I pulled my dick out, pulled his pants down and then penetrated his ass until I shamed him by ejaculating inside him in front of all our coworkers. If that was the case, I'd understand the suspension."

The incident happened in August, and the higher powers knew it was a douchey complaint, so they had hoped it would go away. But it didn't, and they eventually had to do something just to shut the douche up.

"It's gross overkill. It's like executing somebody for blowing their nose and not washing their hands," said one of the people on the punishment committee. "It's not like he pulled his pants down, got down on his knees and proceeded to lick his asshole until he shamed him by causing him to ejaculate from anal stimulation in front of all of their coworkers. If that was the case, I'd understand the suspension."

The ass smack is a common bonding method among men. Many fear that the incident this douche has spawned will put a hamper on ass smacking across the country.

"It's human nature. Dude's smack other dude's asses," says ass smack historian Harry Hardy. "Now, dudes all over are going to be concerned that smacking another dude's ass will result in some sort of punishment, and that shouldn't be the case."

The timing of this story couldn't come at a worse time, with National Smack Another Dude On The Ass Day coming up on April 3. Read more!

At Least You're Not This Dude

A Connecticut man has been arrested and charged with worker's compensation fraud after a video surfaced of him participating in a race at the same time he claimed to be too injured to work.

Not only was the moron cheating workman's comp, but he was caught doing so in a dress and high heels.

The dipshit was taking part in a radio contest in an effort to win Hannah Montana tickets.

"I really wanna fuck that chick," the 41-year-old dude told co-workers before the incident.

Along with wearing a dress and heels, the participants also had to carry an egg on a spoon and do so with the latest Billy Ray Cyrus cd, Home At Last, shoved up their ass.

You'd think life can't get much worse after you get caught faking workman's comp while crossdressing in an attempt to win concert tickets for a girl in her early teens that you jerk off to regularly. But life got much worse for this douche: he didn't even finish top five in the race.

That's a lot of shame, embarassment and consequences all caused by the teen pop sensation.

"I really wanna fuck that chick," the dude said from the back of the police cruiser. "Out of hate." Read more!

Dude Pays Random High School Girl, Still Doesn't Get Laid

A Cincinnati man wished some random high school girl a Happy Easter by surprising her with a $500 tip, and still didn't get to poke that snatch.

The 18-year-old high school senior was selling newspapers at the hospital when a dude in his mid-20's gave her a wad of cash and told her to keep the change.

"At first I thought he just gave me four ones," the girl, who clearly isn't very intelligent, said. "Then I noticed it was far too big for that. Turns out it was $500 in 20 dollar bills. And four ones. So I was kinda right."

Who the fuck can mistake a wad of 29 bills for four bills? This girl clearly isn't good with her hands.

After realizing she had been given the money, the stupid girl went to thank the man, but couldn't find him anywhere. He was clearly offering money for some poking, but the ditzy chick missed the point, so he bailed.

Chances are the money is from a drug deal gone bad, or perhaps from sucking dick for coke. Either way, the dude didn't want it anymore.

The ditzy chick plans to use the money towards a prom dress, shoes and a limo for her upcoming senior prom. Her date will be getting laid. Read more!

Idiot Kills Wife

Some dumbass in Missouri killed his beloved wife while attempting to install a satellite television system for his family.

The dipshit put a shot from a .22 caliber handgun into his wife's chest after firing two shots inside the house in a brilliant attempt to put a hole in the wall.

After using many other various tools trying to poke a needed hole in his wall, the stupid motherfucker did what most logical people would do next.

"I needed a hole in the wall. Nothing else was working," the moron said. "I had no other ideas. Then I look over, and there's my gun. It was looking at me, and I could hear it saying, 'give me a chance. I'll get the job done.' Who am I not to give him a chance, ya know?"

Local law enforcement officials are currently investigating the incident to determine whether or not the fuckwad will face manslaughter charges.

"We've been sending officers over there nightly to interview him and retrieve a statement," the local sheriff said. "But they keep getting distracted by his more than 500 channels of digital quality picture."

The douche is sorry for his loss, but realizes accidents happen and that life needs to continue.

"Yeah, it sucks," the turd said. "But it worked, and now I'm able to mourn with the assistance of their highest quality package at a lower package's price for the first three months. This is how she would have wanted it." Read more!

Women Can't Drive

Police in Florida arrested a local woman and charged her with aggravated assault with a deadly weapon after chasing her husband around their lawn with the family minivan.

The husband walked away unharmed as his wife failed to run him over after more than 20 attempts.

"Thank god she's a woman," the husband said. "No way a man misses me with so many opportunities. I mean, fuck. It was in our goddamn yard. It's not like I had a lot of escape room. So fucking lucky I married an incompetent moron."

To make matters worse for the stupid bitch, she was also charged with child abuse because the couple's six month old daughter was in the van with her at the time of the attack. Luckily the baby was buckled up and walked away unharmed.

"I was like, 'what the fuck is mommy doing?' I couldn't figure out what the fuck daddy did wrong to warrant getting run over by a fucking van," the confused child told police. "I mean, shit dude. It's not like she was trying to throw a dirty diaper at him. This bitch went flat out crazy."

The husband failed in his attempt to stop the van by throwing a brick at the windshield. Seriously? That's the best he could come up with? Trying to throw a brick into a vehicle with your wife and young baby usually isn't the brightest idea. That baby's gonna grow up super stupid.

Police said the dispute started after the husband refused to pay the $300 he still owed his wife from 'Blowjob Tuesday.' Read more!

Dumbass Pays A Shitload For Cereal

Two Virginia sisters are living the highlife as some dumb motherfucker paid them close to $1400 for a corn flake shaped as Illinois.

The dumbass, who isn't even from Illinois, shelled out the money via an ebay auction.

"I really enjoy corn flakes, and the state of Illinois," the dumbass said at a press conference.

The two sisters, one way hotter than the other, were both ecstatic and surprised by the success of their ebay auction.

"We were just fucking around," the hot one said. "We really didn't think there was anybody fucking stupid enough to buy it. Luckily this dipshit exists though. What a fucko."

Since the sale of the corn flake, ebay has been flooded with coat-tail riding douche bags trying to sell state shaped food items, ranging anywhere from edible condoms shaped as florida to brussel sprouts shaped like Reno, Nevada. The most plentiful and popular item being McDonald's chicken nuggets shaped as Ohio, Indiana and Illinois going for upwards of $7,000 a piece.

"I'm gonna buy a pony!" the non-hot sister said, not realizing that ponies cost way more than her share of the $1400. Sucks for her the parents gave her sister the looks and the brains. This chick's fucked.

Lucky for the dumb motherfucker who bought the $1400 Illinois shaped corn flake, it is also a part of his perfectly balanced breakfast. Read more!

Dude Digs Old Chicks

Peter Cupis of Mesa, AZ was arrested on Saturday for digging old chicks a little too much.

The 28 year old Cupis is being held without bond for breaking into a 93 year old woman's house and raping her.

"Hey man, pussy's pussy," Cupis told reporters. "Old chicks need dickin too."

The sexy party was broken up by a relative responding to the old lady pressing her medical emergency button.

"Help, I've fallen and I can't get up because some dude is on top of me raping me," the old lady was screaming as the relative arrived.

The old lady was treated for minor injuries and released from a local hospital. She's still alive. For now. Read more!

Always Pracitce Safe Text

A recent study by a group of London scientists has concluded that people are fucking morons while text messaging.

The research was spawned after the mind boggling number of text message related injuries in 2007. London alone had over 6.5 billion accidents that resulted in bodily harm while texting.

The incidents range anywhere from people walking into poles, tripping in potholes, bumping into the wrong people, walking into cars and being shot by people who hate text messagers.

"It's very dangerous," one scientist said. "Hopefully these numbers will make people start paying attention while they're texting and stop being such fucking bloody tampons."

One neighborhood in London has taken precautionary actions, going as far as padding all the lamp posts along their busiest street.

"Apparently our residents are dumber than most," said the mayor. "These bastards can't stop walking in to shit."

Some personal precautions the scientists advise are making sure you pay attention if texting while walking and to stop being such fucking bloody tampons. Read more!

Goat To Hell, Doggie!!

A Boston dog has been sentenced to death by the city council after brutally raping and murdering a goat.

Niko, a six-year old black lab of sorts, viciously ripped the fuck out of Miss Daisy, the goat next door.

Animal rights activists think the death penalty may be a little too harsh, but the city council feels it's more than a just punishment. Miss Daisy's owner, Richard Circlesquare, strongly disagrees.

"Fuck those animal rights cocksuckers!" Circlesquare exclaimed. "Miss Daisy never harmed a soul, and all she got in return was violently raped and murdered. That motherfucker tore the fuck out of my goat. He deserves to die! He deserves to burn in hell!!"

The city council released a statement saying their decision was made after following the advice of local animal control specialist, Bob Barker.

"We make a decision, and anybody who disagrees with it can go fuck themselves," the council says in the statement.

Niko has refused to speak to the media, but his owner/lawyer Mike Pissanti has his own theories.

"Everybody seems happy with this verdict," he stated. "But the real killer is still out there. I would bet my life that Miss Daisy was bastardly raped by a coyote. And that coyote knows there's a dog right next door to take the fall. They got the wrong dog. The real killer is stalking his next victim as we speak, and he's very wiley."

Niko's past doesn't help support his owner/lawyer's claim, as he has a record longer than a horse's cock.

That dog's gonna die. Read more!

NY dentist arrested for laughing

SMITHTOWN, N.Y. - A Long Island dentist was arrested after one of his patients called the police and ratted him out for inhaling nitrous oxide or "laughing gas" as it's more commonly known.


Dr. Jip Cocksuckinston says he's been "partying" on the job for years.

"I work on peoples teeth for fucks sake. It's not like I'm cutting their heart out or something. Cut me some slack yo!"

The state of NY did not see this as a "laughing" matter.

"We feel that doctors should not be abusing anything while working. If they want to get all fucked up after work then that's cool but as long as they have their hands all up on someone then they have to be sober."

Dr. Cocksuckingston is currently free on a 4 billion dollar bail. He said he sucked on an old ladies boobs and butt to raise that much money.

Read more!

Boy forced to crap in lunchbox during class

ORLANDO, Fla. - Parents are outraged over what happened last Friday in an Orlando middle school. Gappy Faffer, 13, was forced to shit in his lunchbox then eat his own shit in front of the entire student body and faculty staff.



The incident began during Mrs. Rashballs social studies class when Gappy asked to use the rest room.

"I really needed to shit," Gappy said. "She said the I shit too much and that I was interrupting her class with all my requests to go shit."

According to several eyewitnesses, Gappy shits a lot.

"I watch Gappy shit seven, eight, sometimes twelve times a day. Sometimes I sneak in to his house and play with myself."

After pleading with Mrs. Rashballs for several hours the two finally reached an agreement.

"She said that I could either cut my legs off and eat them or I could shit in my lunchbox and eat that. I didn't like either option because my mom made me shitty legs for dinner just last night and I ate the fuck out of that. It was unbearable though. The urge to shit was stronger than a hookers dog who likes to eat mustard stains with big dicks."

So Gappy shit in his lunchbox and he ate it. Everyone laughed at him and called him 'Asshole' and 'President George Franklin'(the kids at this school think there was really a president named George Franklin who fingered his own fucking asshole)

The teachers union is doing nothing to stop the lawsuit currently being filed against Mrs. Rashballs. Of course the teachers union could not be reached for comment so we sword fought with our dicks for a while.

"We are not going to lift a fucking finger. Fuck! I woke up this morning, jacked off and punched a bird in the ass. What the fuck do you want from me!"

Gappy hopes that no one will ever have to go through the torture he has experienced.

"I just want girls to know that I'm open to anything. I'll let you slap me around or throw acid in my face. Whatever turns you on."


Read more!

Swan Stops Fucking Fake Swan, Starts Fucking Real Swan

It seems like there's not nearly enough hot swan action in the news nowadays. Until today.

Petra, a black German swan named after a shitty christian rock band, became a local celebrity years ago after starting an affair with a boat shaped as a giant white swan. Sadly, that love story is coming to an end.

Petra met somebody else over the winter, a white swan named Stryper. It wasn't until this week that Petra broke the news to the big fake swan.

"It's heartbreaking," the Swan shaped boat said. "You think you know somebody, then it turns out you don't know them at all."

Petra and Stryper are wasting no time starting their new life together. They've already moved in together into a brand new nest.

"We're so excited," Petra exclaimed with his new hussy by his side. "We don't see any need to wait. This part of our life was such a long time in the making."

The new relationship isn't the only news in Petra's life though.

"We're pregnant with our first of many children to come," Stryper said while smiling lovingly at Petra while holding wings. "And it's a boy!!"

"It's so wonderful," Petra added. "Just looking at her and knowing that little Jeremy Camp is growing inside her as we speak."

Things aren't as wonderful for the swan shaped boat, who plans on returning to it's abusive ex-lover by Thursday. Read more!

Heroic Chick Uses Brakes Heroically!!!

Remember that awesome movie Speed? You know, the one about the bus that wants to blow up but those good looking people won't let it? This story is kind of like the real life version of that, except instead of blowing up, this bus wanted to kill a lot of elementary school children.

That is until some 15 year old chick was heroic enough to step on the brakes, stopping the out of control bus and ruining a disaster potentially more awful than Speed 2.

The chick, who happened to be skipping school, was on the school bus with over 40 elementary school students. Now, it's obvious what you're thinking, and no it makes absolutely no sense that some chick skipping school was on a school bus. Apparently she needed a ride and figured a school bus was the best form of transportation, so she asked the driver for a ride home. Again, it's obvious that you're wondering what kind of school bus driver is picking up school aged hitchikers.

Clearly not very good ones. Ones that could possibly fall out of their seat and hit their heads after making a routine right turn, putting the lives of over 40 elementary school students and one chick skipping school in danger.

Lucky for those kids though that this chick is better at saving lives than playing hooky. She heroically jumped out of her seat and used her heroic feet to heroically step on the brake pedal, bringing the death trap of a bus to a heroic stop. Nobody was injured during the fiasco, but two parked cars got completely fucked up.

"I really don't think Speed 2 was as bad as people make it out to be," said former relevant actor Jason Patric. "I'd be down for making a third one if they called me. I have some awesome ideas to complete the trilogy."

Though the school and community are thankful that this chick prevented all those kids from becoming dead, they're not too happy about her skipping school. For her actions, this chick was handed a Saturday suspension.

"I'm stoked to meet her this weekend. I can't wait to see what kind of shenanigans we get into together," said former relevant actor Judd Nelson. Read more!

Testing on Animals

Have you ever wondered why PETA and all those other nuts get so uptight when they hear about a product being tested on animals? We haven't either but here's a video of what we think it might be like.



This was out first collaborated effort. We like it so get off our ass's already!

Written by: Zane
Illustrated by: Jimmy
Colored by: Zane
Voiced by: Jimmy & Dave
Edited and mixed by: Zane
Enjoyed by: Jimmy, Zane & Dave

Read more!

How do idiots avoid drug tests?

PASCO, Wash. - They have a friend shoot them of course. At least that's what Richard Dodangle, 38, did last week.



With a face like this, I'd want to be shot too.

Mr. Dodangle had been working his job for only 4 months when they popped the piss test on him.

"I loved my job and I knew I hadn't a chance of passing that test. There's more meth floating around in me then breasts on a Dolly Parton dog impersonator."

When confronted with a difficult situation such as this, some people might call in sick, say someone in their family passed, or maybe that they glued their ass checks to a penguin and the penguin took off on some god damn march and it's dragging you along and there's nothing you can do about it and you'll be back in six months. Some people might, but those some people would not be Dick Dodangle.

"Just the thought of failing that drug test and having to face my friends and co-workers was unbearable. The embarrassment would kill me. That's why my best friend and I put on some women's cloths and sucked some cock for a bunch of meth."

This was when the idea smacked him in the ass like a dirty red head feeding a reindeer.

"I thought that if I was mugged and shot while jogging then that would keep me out of work for a few weeks and I'd just stop doing drugs and go back to work clean and pass the shit out of a piss test."

So Mr. Dodangle went to the park and started jogging. He jogged and jogged but no gun totting muggers in sight. He actually got in great shape, qualified for the Olympics, and received several lucrative shoe endorsement deals.

"I just couldn't get mugged and shot so I just asked my pal to do it. He did it too."

The two were arrested immediately afterwards.

Mr. Dodangle is currently spending time in county jail for conspiracy to discharge a firearm into someone other than a murderer. His pal is also behind bars for the unrelated charge of aggravated masturbation. Read more!

Thai Karaoke Party Leaves More Than Eardrums Dead

Some crazy dude in Thailand killed his brother-in-law and seven others after tiring of their karaoke renditions of John Denver's 'Take Me Home, Country Roads.'

Fifty-two year old Weenus Chumkamnerd became enraged from hearing the victims sing awfully during karaoke, leading him to put a gun to the back of the head of the party's host and pull the trigger.

He then proceeded to turn the gun on seven other guests and fire away. One of the victims accidentally ended up being his brother-in-law, Boontip Desaro. After realizing he had killed his brother-in-law, he started to slightly regret his actions. Chumkamnerd had his son take Boontip to the hospital, only to be proclaimed dead on arrival.

"When I began shooting nobody pleaded for his life because they were all drunk," Chumkamnerd calmly said after being tracked down by police.

One party-goer was able to survive the rampage by pretending to be dead.

"I warned these people about their noisy karaoke parties. I said if they carried on I would go down and shoot them. I had told them if I couldn’t talk sense into them I would come back and finish them off," Chumkamnerd added, fairly reasonably.

'Take Me Home, Country Roads' is an extremely popular song in south east Asia for some reason, and a favorite of this group of friends. They were known to sing it over and over again.

"I'm just glad I died before I had to read about one of my songs leading to such tragedy," John Denver said in a statement. Read more!

Fish With Dicks

Pharmaceuticals humans take to remain healthy are leaking into a Las Vegas lake and really fucking up some fish.

The lake has become contaminated with remnants of pain killers, antibiotics and mood stabilizers, among other things. The contamination has resulted in some female fish growing male genitals, as well as some dude fish developing female genitals.

Other than turning a lot of fish into hermies, it's also decreased the sperm count of other fish and lowered their sex drive. Now, how can you blame the contamination for the lowering of sex drives? That could just as easily be contributed to the fact that all the chick fish have cocks now. Of course the dude sex drives would go down.

Oh, it should probably also be mentioned that this lake is one of Nevada's largest sources for drinking water.


This is pretty much completely unrelated, but here are the first few paragraphs from the CNN.com article on the subject:

"On this brisk, glittering morning, a flat-bottomed boat glides across the massive reservoir that provides Las Vegas its drinking water. An ominous rumble growls beneath the craft as its two long, electrified claws extend into the depths.

Moments later, dozens of stunned fish float to the surface.

Federal scientists scoop them up and transfer them into 50-quart Coleman ice chests for transport to a makeshift lab on the dusty lakeshore.

Within the hour, the researchers will club the seven-pound common carps to death, draw their blood, snip out their gonads and pack them in aluminum foil and dry ice."

First off, it was nice to see some intern to take a break from writing their earth-changing novel to write an opening paragraph.

Secondly, so we should be overly concerned with some chick fish growing some wangs and completely overlook the brutal electrocuting and beating to death of the fish? Some of the stuff we humans do in the name of science is mind boggling.

Thirdly, gonads is a funny word. It's fun to pretend you're at a high school football game as the North Central Nads play their cross town rivals, and in a dramatic come from behind victory you find yourself yelling over and over again "GO NADS, GO!!"

In closing, when medicine says "For External Use Only," that doesn't mean pour it in a lake. Read more!

Japan To Get Harder Over Child Porn

The United Nations Children's Fund (UNICEF, somehow) is publicly criticizing Japan for their lackadaisical laws concerning child pornography.

UNICEF fears that Japan's laws are putting children worldwide in danger.

Japan added new child porn laws in 1999, then stiffened them up in 2004. Lawmakers are currently working to firm it up even more.

Here's how much sense the law in Japan makes: It is illegal to produce or distribute kiddie porn, but not illegal to possess it.

The law also doesn't prevent child porn from making it's way into computer games, animated cartoons and comic books. This opens the way for Saturday morning cartoons such as Narurto Kamikaze Fuckdoll Ichiro (Watch Baby Sally Get Gangbanged) to consistently gain top 5 tv ratings for their time spot.

With the weak law allowing Japanese citizens to own kiddie porn, it leads to a lot of the content being avaliable online.

"I think their laws are awesome!" said the 44 year old virgin who lives in his mother's basement. Read more!

'Timmy' from 'Lassie' authors tell all book

New autobiography written by child actor 'Timmy', no one cares about his real name, reveals all the behind the scenes dirt, drug abuse, and promiscuous sex he experienced as a child actor.

"Timmy was what they now refer to as a 'child star'. We didn't say that back in the 40s. We called them 'child laborer'," says Gary Milkem who directed several episodes of Lassie, "or we just called them 'Fuck Brains'."

In the book Timmy paints a very dark picture of his time spent in front of the camera and explains why he chose to leave Hollywood.

"I spent 7 years as a chew toy for that damn collie. Lassie was nothing more than a mean spirited, angry, over sexed version of John Mellencamp."

Drug use was very prevalent on the set as well. Timmy tells a story of the time he and Lassie spent a week in Vancouver hopped up on meth.

"Lassie just couldn't put the pipe down. It was meth, meth, meth, meth, and more meth with that dog. I've never seen a dog smoke that much ice. I've never seen any dog but Lassie do drugs."

The book isn't going unnoticed by the Special People Eradicating Ridicule, Masturbating, Hepatitis AND Slip'n slides better known as S.P.E.R.M.H.AND.S.

"We at S.P.E.R.M.H.AND.S think this book is a big stupid turd. If it were a camel and I was stuck in the middle of Egypt without any other form of transportation, I would ride the camel but I wouldn't punch it in the face like Conan did in Barbarian."



Read more!

Small Town Rhymes With Asshole

Residents of a small Massachusetts town are getting all anal over the fact that their home reminds people of assholes.

The town of Athol, Massachusetts has a population of roughly 11,500 assholes, all of which had a stick up their ath over an ad ran by Comcast Sports making a mockery of their home's name.

"It's not funny," said angered citizen Harold Asswad. "It's not even pronounced like that other word. People just assume certain words are pronounced one way, when they're pronounced a completely different way."

The ad ran by Comcast Sports simply said "We can pronounce Worcester...without sounding like an Athol."

"It's insulting," Mayor Richard D. Ickwad proclaimed. "We're sick and tired of being the butt of so many jokes."

Comcast has pulled the ad and sworn never to run it again after an angry letter from the whiny town.

"Whatever. If they wanna be athols about it, let them be athols," Comcast President Skip Skipman said. "I don't need this shit."

The most upsetting fact to residents is that the correct pronunciation doesn't even rhyme with asshole. Saying it correctly would cause it to rhyme with asshawl. Close enough.

Another insult to the name that residents suggest is adding an 'r' at the beginning and an 'e' at the end to create 'rathole.' They also say they're perfectly fine with Pussyvile, Stickupourbuttville or Wecan'ttakeajokeopolis.

"I didn't mind the ad," said local housewife Susan Applebottom. "I'd rather have an ad like that than have the town invaded by rapists. Then I'd get upset." Read more!

Magical Baby Can Read!!

Elizabeth Barrett is just like any other 17 month old toddler in the universe, except for one minor detail: she has super powers.

This magical little girl showed off her powers on national television this week as she proved to the world she can read.

It was on the Today show Monday morning that she read word after word off of flash cards. Some words as difficult as 'kangaroo,' and even some phrases. One of which being 'Good Morning, Ann,' a phrase even today show anchor Ann Curry struggles with at times.

These powers didn't develop overnight. The child's mother, who has a blackhole where her heart should be, says young Elizabeth read her first word at just 13 months. And if that wasn't creepy enough for you, she also signed it at the same time.

The superhuman's parents are both speech pathologists, which is the key factor to her lack of a childhood to look forward to. They've been teaching her sign and spoken language since she first popped out of her mother's cooch. They also only allow her to watch one show on television, a show which teaches sign language to children. The show also happens to be the superchild's favorite.


The baby's reading doesn't stop at words, it also extends to cursive.

"That baby's awesome!!!' said some random eight year old kid standing by a window.

How are people older than eight reacting to this phenomenon?

"I think she has extremely well-developed visual perception and visual memory," some smart bitch said. "I think that her parents have done a great job depriving her of any toddler-like fun and giving her a lot of multisensory input, so she sees things, she’s talking about them, she is signing and she is using all of those skills together."

The amazement isn't limited to just eight year olds and smart bitches though.

"My world has been shattered today," says lonely 22 year old Michael Kinsman. "I've been waiting for a sign. Ever since my first meeting with the late Master Koochoo, I've been waiting for a sign from his reincarnated soul. He's finally back! Master Koochoo is back! I need to go put on my Nikes and get the cult back together."

The world is in agreement. This baby is super.

"THE END IS EXTREMELY NIGH!!!!!!" Kinsman added with an insane look in his eyes.

The parents added in closing that their next goals for baby Master Koochoo is to read Tolstoy's 'War and Peace' by her third birthday and to never get laid as long as she lives. Read more!

Old Lady Goes Crazy, Punches Cop

An 80 year old Florida woman went crazier than usual after a traffic stop on Saturday.


After being pulled over for an improper lane change, 80 year old Thalia Logas refused to sign her citation and felt it was a better idea to repeatedly punch the cop in the stomach and chest.

The police officer, who also happens to be a pussy, had to call for backup to restrain the crazy old lady. It wasn't until another officer arrived that they were able to get her into handcuffs and place her in the back of the squad car. While in the back of the car though, she used her wrinkly old frail wrists to wiggle out of the handcuffs and throw them out the window, hitting an innocent duck passing by.

"We had to make sure we were careful," said one of the officers. "She's old, and old people are easy to break. We didn't want to do that. The paperwork for broken old people is ridiculous."

The crazy old lady, who dyes her hair, was released on bond and instantly praised by the local chapter of Old People Who Hate Cops (OPWHC).

When asked by family what caused her actions, Logas summed it up perfectly.

"I'm old!," she said. "Where's my pancakes!" Read more!

Dumb Bitch's Night Ends Well

A Pennsylvania dumb bitch wrecked her car early Friday morning while drving home completely intoxicated.


Police say this dumb bitch hit a fence and concrete pad. Then as she drunkenly stumbled out of her car, she fell down a 30 foot well.

The dumb bitch was in the well for over 30 minutes before rescue efforts were made. All in all, she suffered a sprained wrist and several bruises. She will also be facing DUI charges.

What a dumb bitch. Read more!

Dude Builds Robot, Fights Crime

Some dude in Atlanta, GA has turned an old BBQ smoker into a magical robot armed with a spotlight, loud speaker, infrared lazer and a super duper water cannon in an effort to defer crime near a local daycare center.


The dude calls his creation Bum-Bot, while locals go for the more homeless friendly name of Robocop.

Bum-Bot Robocop is used nightly to patrol the area near a local daycare where hookers, drug dealers, homeless people, Lindsay Lohan, murderers, kid touchers and accountants gather when the sun goes down.

The daycare happens to also be within a block of the local homeless shelter, which loclas claim leads to a lot of the riff-raff. First off, what a shitty location for a day care. When I need my kids wathced, drug dealer hotspot isn't the first part of the neighborhood I'm going to. Secondly, how does the homeless shelter feel about this? Not happy, that's how.

"He thinks he's attacking only criminals with his super duper water cannon, but what he's not realizing is he's using it on a lot of our innocent patrons," said some uptight bitch from the homeless shelter.

The need for Bum-Bot Robocop came about after the area outside the daycare was corroded every morning with used needles, condoms, crack pipes and leftover drugs. That's when the dude who built this thing decided it was time to take action.

"I don't want the kids every morning playing with used needles, condoms, crack pipes and leftover drugs. Those aren't good toys," said the dude who built this thing.

On a side note, the dude happens to own a bar in the immediate area and has had problems with breakins in the past. But this crime fighting robot has nothing to do with his troubles. It's all for the kids.

"Creating this robot has nothing to do with my troubles," he added. "It's all for the kids."

So, if you're in need of a new daycare, Beacon of Light in downtown Atlanta is always looking for new clients. They're easy to find, located right between a bar, a homeless shelter and the best crack dealer safehaven in town.

Read more!

CDC issues warning to old people

WASHINGTON - The U.S. Center for Disease Control recently released the findings of their 2006 report on old people falling down. It states that one in six Americans over the age of 65 have a 80% chance of seriously injuring themselves when they fall down the stairs.

This outraged many senior citizens who feel this is just a ploy by the CDC to ultimately limit seniors privileges.

Eighty year old Wilma Rogers had this to say, "First they say we fall down too much and next they'll be saying I can't drive! I hate the CDC!"

The CDC was not immediately available for a response but did send this memo later in the week.

"We at the CDC think old folk are crazy and they fall down too much. In an effort to reduce the cost associated with treating old broken bones we are suggesting that once an individual reaches the age of 65 they can't walk anymore. Wheelchairs will also be unacceptable means of moving about. Anyone over the age of 65 will need to just lay down and roll to where ever it is they think they need to be."

This did nothing but piss the fuck out of some oldies.



"If they think I'm about to start rolling around in dog shit, they're out of their minds! I can't remember how to roll anyway."

Others had this to say.

"I'm so fucking old, I can't roll. I'm scared to roll."



The American Health Center estimates that it cost 2.9 zillion dollars annually to glue old people bones together.


Read more!

Drunk Driver's Ed

A Massachusetts man was charged with a DUI while teaching a driver's ed class after blowing a .233, nearly three times the legal limit. The .233 was just short of the current Massachusetts record (.241) for blood alcohol level while teaching high school.



"I could tell he was feeling good," said 16 year old Alyson Langham. "He gets very handsy when he's that drunk, and he was touching me the entire lesson.

Although he wasn't technically driving, since driver's ed teachers have a brake on their side of the car it makes them eligible for getting a DUI.

"He was sipping out of a cough syrup bottle ever since we left the school," 15 year old Kevin Beakman added. "It's cool he's getting the DUI and all, but had we not got pulled over for a few more minutes, he totally would have got the record. You could just tell it was supposed to be a special day." Read more!

Teeage Boy 'Just Says NO' to Cursing

Little Sammy Hendricks, 14, CA somewhere, has had enough of all the cursing and wants to ban cursing all together in his community.

"My parents told me that every time someones curses God takes a little piece of their soul away. They also told me that poison will come out of my pee pee if I touch it before I'm 25."

"We're so proud of our son", Joanne Hendricks says, "He's becoming our little clone just like we always hoped he would."

When asked how his friends reacted to his proposal he had this to say,
"What are friends?"

Little Sammy is planning on a career in politics when he grows up. He would also like to find a cure for pee pee poison. Read more!

For Crying Out Loud!

This is a prank call of mine that was beautifully illustrated by Jimmy.

Phone Call by: Zane
Illustrated by: Jimmy
Put Together by: Zane Read more!

I have some questions

Zane was reading this Chinese restaraunt's menu and had some questions he needed answered.

Read more!

Cat Suvives Twister and Fire

CLINTON, Ark. - Charlie Brown was a happy go lucky baby cat until mother nature came screaming through her world last February. Charlie was picked up by the 70 mph winds and flung over 200 yds to what her owners thought was her death.

"We thought little Charlie Brown was a goner. I stopped putting out her food dish and two days later that little fucker found it's way home."

Just 2 short weeks after the twister Charlie Brown had her next brush with death.

"We was burning trash and I just tossed ol' Charlie right in the fire."

This cruel act was a blessing in disguise for Charlie. The neighbors just happened to be watching.

"I saw them throwing stuff in the fire and that's when I saw the unthinkable. They were burning old Reader's Digest magazines. I couldn't believe what I was seeing. I ran right out and told them to put that fire out immediately."

Charlie survived the fire also but didn't fair so lucky with a bullet. Bill Hookey was there when it happened.

"I was standing there and this guy shows up with a gun and I'm all like 'Shoot that fucking cat' and he's all like 'I ain't got no bullets' and I knew for a fact that he had just bought a box of shells so I'm like 'God Dammit, I'll give you one of my bullets when we get back to the car!' He shot the fuck out of that cat."



Charlie Brown was a brave little cat and she will be missed.

Read more!

There's no lights in the chicken coop!

Jimmy kicked ass on all the pictures for this.

Phone Call by: Zane
Illustrated by: Jimmy
Put Together by: Zane Read more!

Soap Fans Want More Gay

Fans of the long running "As The World Turns" are outraged at a storyline involving two of the show's characters in a gay romance. For once, this isn't homophobic outrage though. It's the opposite of that. Homoloveic? I'm really not sure if there's an anonym for phobia.

Anyways, the outrage isn't that there's a gay relationship on their beloved show, but rather that the gay relationship isn't gay enough. Lonely women throughout America have started letter writing campaigns and online petitions to show their disgust in the fact the two dudes haven't kissed onscreen since September. The september kiss was only their second, the first one being in August, which is believed to be the first time two dudes have kissed on a daytime soap. Believed to be? You'd think there'd be somebody out there keeping better stats than that.

Basically, what this all comes down to, is that next time you're wondering if raving soap fans have anything better to do with their lives, stop wondering. The answer is clearly no.

On the flip side, the Homophobic Alliance National Branch (H.A.N.D.) gives mad props to "As The World Turns" for making the story homophobe friendly.

"It's nice to see them handling this story so gently. They're pleasing us without sacrificing their gay storyline," says H.A.N.D. President Norman Fabulous. "It's excellent to finally have a love story between two young men that we can really get behind."

Producers of the show react to the entire thing by patting themselves on their backs. They remain confident in the fact that their storyline is groundbreaking and would love it if their lonely female viewers would concentrate more on what they are showing, as opposed to what they aren't.

"We're telling an excellent, engaging story," one producer said. "There's really no reason we can't have it both ways, just like our characters."

Read more!

Happy Free Crack Addict Day!!!!

A decision made in December by some federal agency to make retroactive reduced sentences for some crack related convictions could lead to the potential release of up to 20,000 crackheads back into the streets. The first batch of overturned convictions is scheduled to happen as early as today.

I personally say this is an excellent first step to reducing the amount of crack running wild in the streets. The more addicts set free, the more crack that makes it's way off the streets and into crackhouses.

So go hug a crack addict today. In a matter of no time they'll be rejoined by their friends and you won't mean anything to them anymore. At least not until all their friends are sent back to the slammer in a few months. .

Read more!

Cabbie Loves Helping, Hates Babies

Earlier this week a New York cab driver was hailed as a hero after dropping a six month old baby at a firehouse after claiming it was left in his cab.

First off, I've never driven a cab before, but I would imagine allowing a customer to 'forget' a baby in the backseat isn't a sign of a very good cabbie. But that's beside the point. Yay for him for taking the baby to the firehouse. Firefighters love babies. It's known fact. Especially when they're adorable.

Turns out there's slightly more to the story though. Here's a summary. The mommy is 14, the daddy is 27. The daddy's sister is 21 and happens to be dating the cab driver, who is 44. To show off some mad math skills, the average male age in these relationships is 35.5 years old, while the average female age clocks in at 17.5. Fantastic. And perfectly normal.

Anyways, the baby daddy and and the baby momma get in a fight and the baby momma runs away. Now, it's never good news when a 14 year old girl runs away from home, but it's somehow worse news when she's not even running away from her parents, but rather her 27 year old boyfriend. The baby daddy can't handle the baby on his own, so he asks his sister to convince her cabbie boyfriend into concocting the ridiculous 'baby left in cab' story. That's what families do, they help each other out.

The baby is now in custody of a foster home. When reached for a comment, the baby's 15 year old boyfriend said, "I'm just glad she's safe. I was so scared for her safety. It was totally affecting my stick ball game."

The cab driver's Chief (it's safe to assume cab stations are ran in the same format as police stations) isn't too angry at his employee's ridiculous actions. "I am looking at a desperate man who was trying to help a desperate family," the Chief said.

As charges file in and arrests are made, it's the baby who gets the last adorable giggle and the most help. All offense intended toward the family, but it's hard to imagine a home that would be worse to grow up with than one with the turds who came up with this master plan.

Read more!

What's in a name?

A list of the most popular baby names of the last century is finally out. Underneath the title of the list is says 'discover which American names have become more or less common'. Of course I read the entire list like I'm going to be surprised. Do you know who would be surprised by a list like this? Someone who died in 1920 and magically appears in 2008. "What do you mean Mildred is a funny name? I'm from 1920. Just wait till President Harding hears about this!" (he knew the president).



I bet girls named Mildred had this mean little ditty sang to them a lot on the playground

Mildred, Mildred
you're so stupid

Mildred, Mildred
she eats her boogers

Mildred, Mildred
her vagina was installed backwards

Just thinking about that makes me cry.

Of course Zane was nowhere to be found on the list. They never have Zane pencils or small license plates at the store. This has never bothered me though. I like my name. My name could have been Dr. Fart Sniffer. If someone ever came up with a least popular baby name list I bet Dr. Fart Sniffer would be near the top. I think if your parents name you Doctor then you should be able to practice medicine.



Forgetting someones name is a real bitch. When I have to ask someone for their name again I always tell them that I'm a face person. "I never forget a face, but names just don't stick with me for some reason." That's what I always say but it's complete bullshit. I'm too self absorbed to look someone in the face long enough to remember it. Why take up valuable brain space remembering someones ugly puss? Most people are really ugly. Read more!

Top 5 Zane Quotes of the Morning

Here's the top 5 things my three years old has said to me just this morning.
It's only been 30 minutes.




#5 Good morning dad. Let's play Jedi's! I'm General Grievous!

This was seconds one through five of my morning. There's nothing like waking up and immediately being challenged to a light saber battle. Now I know what kept Yoda going for 900 years.

#4 I'm turning into cereal.

This one's a bit abstract. I'm pouring myself a bowl of cereal and Zane asks what I'm doing. I tell him I'm pouring a bowl of cereal and that's when he says "I'm turning into cereal." I asked what the hell that means and he just stood there. Apparently transforming yourself into cereal doesn't require much motion.

#3 I have to pee

Not that surprising by itself but this is what he tells me right after asking me to put him into his Darth Vader outfit (Jedi clothes). It takes nearly 10 minutes just to wrestle the little fucker into to the clothes and nearly as long to get him out so before they go on I need to make sure they're staying on. So I ask, "Do you have to pee?" Of course he says no. Ten minutes later, he's Darth Vader and he has to pee.



#2 Your hair is messy, so you don't need a hat

His logic seems a little skewed on this on.

#1 It's a real train, like Darth Vader.

This gem was just laid on me 2 seconds ago. He comes into the room playing with his wooden train and I ask if that was a passenger train and if there were any whores on board. No, it's a real train, like Darth Vader. Read more!

Robot dog brings joys to crazy old folk

Some mad scientists did a study recently to find out just how lonely and crazy old people in nursing homes are. They took three groups of crazy and lonely old people and one group was visited each week by "Slur pie" a beagle puppy, the next group got a robot dog, and the last group (my favorite group) they got shit. No one came to see the last group except these scientists who only came to see just how much crazier and lonelier this group was than the others.




I'm just picturing four to seven starved for attention men and women in their 90's strapped to a wheelchair in a empty room with 10 to 12 guys in lab coats standing around them with clipboards. The old folk are trying to wheel to them with an outstretched hand desperately hoping for some human contact and these scientists just keep writing. They make notes like this



The results of this mess was that the robot dog group seemed just as happy being visited by a the robot as the real dog group. What does all this prove? That a robot dog is just as nice to be around as a real dog? I think this all started out as a "my grandma is crazier than yours" argument. One guys like "My grandma is so crazy she thinks it's still 1967." and the other ones like "Oh yeah, my grandpa is so crazy he fishes in the bathtub. And he thinks he catches fish!" the last guys goes "I gave my grandma one of those crappy robot dogs and she likes it so much I don't have to visit her as often." All the other jackass science guys thought that was great and wanted to see it their elders would react the same way because they hate visiting them too. Next thing you know they have a grant and they're studying old folk.

I wish I was one of those science guys. I would have peed on the old people.. Read more!

Through the eyes of a child

My three year old insisted on taking some pictures yesterday. I thought I would be nice to be able to catch a glimpse of what it's like to view his world at his level. What I thought I'd get and what I got were two different things.



Here's a couple of plastic men. I know they look dead but I know for a fact they're just pretending so my son won't play with them.



The more I look at this one the more it scares me. It reminds me of the time I sat on the toilet backwards and I sprained my neck looking for the toilet paper.



Anyone could identify this one as garbage.

After looking at these pictures I can't help but wonder if my son is a complete moron. I hope he doesn't grow up to be on of those thirty years old fat guys you see riding their bikes to Wendy's for a job interview. . Read more!